To: K-list
Recieved: 2004/11/05 09:47
Subject: [K-list] No inspiration to go up in the morning
From: Gustaf Grefberg

All inspiration has gone out the window. I spend 9 hours in bed every night.
Because my body needs it? I wake up after 5-6 hours completely rested, but I
have -no desire to get up. There's nothing in the coming day that inspires
me. nothing.- So I stay in bed until I absolutely have to get up.

I have a job I love, a wonderful relationship, stable economy, wonderful
sadhana every morning.

I still have no desire for next day. No joy, no inspiration. All I
experience is the cold weather, the noisy traffic outside, and the stupid,
cursed left side of my nose. I've never felt so unbalanced in my whole life.
The left nostril is very often underactive, and with a pressure that's
extremely disturbing.. There's not even mucus as far as I can tell. In a
whim, it can be completely clear, (so it's nothing directly anatomical or
physical) then it seizes right back up.. It makes me feel lop-sided and
imbalanced..

So people tell me to -breathe- to get through. I hate breathing! I just feel
imbalance most of the time when I breath.. When I DO have balance there I
rarely remember it because then I'm always off in some trance state.

I feel constricted, closed inside a small shell. I've tried to release it,
surrender it, shatter it. I've tried to embrace the pain I know it's there.
I can't feel the frigging pain. I can't feel any of it. I can't cry, I can't
laugh. Screaming just makes my throat hurt. Singing and chanting helps, for
the moment, but the moment I stop, it's all backagain.

I'm so tired of this. So tired of having no joy in the morning. So tired of
the imbalance in the nose (It affects my whole being) tired of the pain that
I can't feel. I want to rip it all out. But it's not happening.. I can't get
out of this.. I don't know how to get in balance.. This despite that every
part of my sadhana is about balancing.. body, nadis, everything.

The only thing I look forward to is going to bed, to go to sleep.. I fall
asleep so easily, because then I know the day is over. I try to enjoy life,
I try to embrace life.. But I can't FEEL it! Only numbness and this
cursed nose and being closed in.

With love
Gustaf

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