To: K-list
Recieved: 2004/10/13 11:33
Subject: RE: [K-list] forgiveness
From: Kimberly
On 2004/10/13 11:33, Kimberly posted thus to the K-list:
Hi Janel,
I've been lurking about this list for several months now, and this is my
first post to it.
I just wanted to say that I totally understand the feelings of not being
able to forgive people or circumstances or even the world itself for the
cruel things you have had to endure. There are things that happen to us in
life that are just so unfair and bring such hard consequences upon us that
we didn't deserve that it makes it extremely difficult to come to a point
where you can honestly, in your heart, forgive.
This is an issue that I've had to deal with a lot in the last few years.
There were people in my life when I was younger who made my life a living
hell, and I hated them for it. And one reason I couldn't bring myself to
forgive them is because I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that they held no
remorse for what they'd done to me. Knowing that just made me cling even
harder to my anger at them. I put so much of my passion into those dark and
accusing feelings toward those people, that I ended up having very little of
my energy left for myself. And it wasn't that I was making any sort of
effort to hold on to those feelings or pay attention to them. They were just
there, part of me and I could do nothing about them.
One thing that helped me very recently was a session with Mystress. I had
the tummo initiation with her over the phone. I was skeptical about this at
first because I'm sorta new to all this energy stuff, but the conversation
that I had with her along with the actual clearing of blockages that she did
was really helpful and opened my eyes to a lot of things I didn't realize I
was holding on to so desperately.
Earlier this year, I had come to the understanding that the anger I was
carrying around for these people and situations, by or in which, I'd been so
wronged, was not effecting anybody but myself. My step-mother was feeling
none of the pain and anguish that even the mere thought of her brought to
me. I was the only one hurting. But this wasn't enough to make me let go of
it, because naturally, its hard to forgive somebody for something they've
done when they don't care that they've done it. And I felt guilty for not
being able to forgive, just like you.
But after my tummo initiation, I came to the realization that my life up
until now, no matter how painful it has been happened exactly as it was
supposed to happen. That was an -extremely- hard concept for me to grasp.
But it all seemed to come clear when I thought about how each person on this
planet has their own path, their own journey in which they are destined to
learn certain lessons.
And in my mind, I began to separate the past that I endured from the people
who effected it, like I was disecting the past. I looked at it like I was
drawing separate pictures of different aspects of my life. I looked at the
blank, empty body that represented my step-mother, and the others that hurt
me in my life. I separated them from me and looked at them individually.
Yes, their actions were cruel and I was the one harmed by them. But, most,
if not all, of their actions were committed out of ignorance and probably
out of their own anger or fear, ya know? But regardless of the reasons
behind their actions, it was those actions that brought me to the place I am
right now in my life. It has made me stronger or taught me lessons I might
otherwise not have learned. So, what I started doing was thinking of those
people has merely markers in my life, not people. Things that directed my
path or taught me lessons no matter how harsh.
If I look at the actions separate from the person, it allows me the freedom
to have compassion for that person, knowing that whatever trials they go
through in their life (or lives) will be their own path of misery, pain or
revelation. During my tummo initiation Mystress helped me surrender a lot of
karma I've been holding on to for other people. It was a massive amount, let
me tell you. And she asked Goddess to send that karma back to the person who
it belonged to, so it occurs to me now that these people who have no part in
my life any more, whom I barely even know any more, are now about to get
their own karma back for things they've done. While this thought used to
give me a satisfying feeling of retribution, now, it only makes me feel more
compassion for what they will have to endure. Being blind as they seem to be
to the workings of karma and energy and stuff like that, they will probably
not understand why whatever happens is happening to them, and that allows me
to feel compassion for them, because I remember when I was blind to that
stuff as well. I remember when I had no understanding at all of how things
that I did affected other people, and no understanding about why all these
horrible things were happening to me in return.
Please understand though, that even though I have forgiven these people and
things that have happened, it does not erase them from my memory, nor does
it take away all of the pain all at once. It actually feels like a continous
process sometimes, like my mind is used to thinking a certain way about
these people, and I end up having to remind myself that I've forgiven them,
to try to change the pattern thinking.
I don't know if this helps at all, but I do hope you know that there are
others out here who understand what you are going through at least. :)
There are a few other techniques that might help as well. I don't know if
you are into yoga or meditation or anything like that, but there is a mantra
that works wonders on stuck karma. The mantra "Tiru Neela Cantum". If you
repeat this over and over while focusing on the blue light at your throat
chakra, it will help. But, a word of caution, it really does help bring up a
lot of karma issues to be released, so once you feel released from the karma
thats been holding ya back, I wouldn't continue to do this mantra unless you
are ready to be bombarded with even more karma that needs to be released.
LOL. It can be overwhelming if you try to release all your karma at once.
LOL My husband can attest to that! :)
Anyway, I hope this has helped you a little bit at least.
Warmest regards,
Kimberly
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