To: K-list
Recieved: 2004/10/09 03:22
Subject: [K-list] Back and Forth-Letting Go
From: Diamondsutra
On 2004/10/09 03:22, Diamondsutra posted thus to the K-list:
Sigh. After 12 days of no smoking I finally got so very tired of being split
in two. Both wanting and not wanting (a cigarette) whilst endeavoring to
surrender to what the energy within has become. It has been such a
delightful joy to just go to bed and sleep. I was surprised to find after a
day of rather vigorous communication with a new person who came yesterday,to
get back exercises for a bad back that I did not sleep till very early this
a.m. And I was once again in the throes of an over- active internal energy,
the first really since the smoking dropped.
I spent the day at the hot springs again--a wondrous day--good soaking and
a meeting with a few healing souls, one a body worker(who did some very
capable work on my neck and shoulders-just where it was needed!) and another
into heart healing music. I see God everywhere! I had some wondrous singing
in the caves and got home to find myself surprising split in "craving" for a
cigarette.
I "worked with" this craving for a couple of hours, breathing it into my
heart, seeing it as desire and not necessarily "for" a cigarette but perhaps
for ultimate union?? At any rate...desire.
Finally I realized I was not in acceptance of what is and that acceptance
and surrender means I have to accept that even if I am a tobacco addict, that
too will ultimately fall away. Its K's work after all to move out all that
is in its way. The resistance to having a cigarette became as big as the
desire for.....well the desire, anyway and the tapasya...the friction of it
was causing such a tension, I finally just had one---after 12 days of none.
Of course, one cigarette will not quell this.....this....empty object less
wanting.
I know the space where giving the body what it wants in the moment matters
not one whit in eternity. Am I striving for a liberation that is not ready
to come? Nothing happens before its time.
My deepest sense is--it just plain does not matter. All will drop utterly
when it drops as past addictions have done.
Any comments on this are gratefully welcomed.
love, deesutra
DISCLAIMER!
Home | Archive Index | Search the archives | Subscribe
K. List FAQ | Kundalini FAQs | Signs and Symptoms | Awakening Experiences | K. list Polls | Member Essays | Meditations | List Topics | Art Gallery | Cybrary | Sitemap | Email the moderators.
symbol.