To: K-list
Recieved: 2004/09/15 05:49
Subject: RE: [K-list] (no subject)
From: robert hoffman
On 2004/09/15 05:49, robert hoffman posted thus to the K-list:
I never woke with th aching head, but I identify totally with the
feeling alone and unable to fend for myself or family. I have been
unemployed a lot since my awakening, but I know I am not unemployable. I
just cannot seem to find the direction in which to focus my productive
energy. I am grappling with what to do to serve Spirit. Where and what
is my Bliss? And with seemingly endless regularity I grieve, about who
the heck knows what. It just comes, like a way fr my heart to breatehe.
I sense that what is happening is a continual working of the energy
throughout my system freeing up blockages, releasing stuff, nameless
endless unending painful stuff; and I nam just so fucking sick of it.
What is all this for; what the hell good is all this awakening shit good
for anyway if I cannot feed my children and just spend half my time
sobbing over who the hell knows or cares what?
I would be happy to serve Spirit in any manner but abundance appears to
have eluded me for the moment and I am baffled and frustrated because I
have no handle on how to proceed. Except put myself out there and see if
anything develops, knowing it is there and allowing it to emerge. That
is the trick--knowing it is there and allowing it to emerge.
Well m,aybe if I believe that crap long enough it will actually occur.
Robert Hoffman
robnrobertATnyc.rr.com
-----Original Message-----
From: K-list-bouncesATkundalini-gateway.org
[mailto:K-list-bouncesATkundalini-gateway.org] On Behalf Of
diamondsutraATnetidea.com
Sent: Tuesday, September 14, 2004 7:22 PM
To: k-listATkundalini-gateway.org
Subject: [K-list] (no subject)
A head so aching it felt like it was about to blow off woke me up this
morning and I've been dealing with it all day. Some support would
surely be
welcome if anyone out there has anything to say about this.
Yesterday I felt so even and good. I did quite a bit of stretching
and
exercise, the first in a coupla weeks or so and since it has been
raining a
lot here as summer changed to fall overnight I went for a walk up the
mountain, a bit strenuous. In between those two things I did a psychic
reading for a friend which took two hours.
I've been looking at all that trying to find the "why" of the head
blowing
off---and then my oldest daughter calls and the love touches my heart
and I
start blubbering and crying, which I've been doing for a few hours now
and as
I do, the head ache gets less and I feel the energy pulsing in my head
rather
than tight and horribly painful. So I see this is a case of more
kundalini
release, which is my bleep bleep life.
I feel like a jelly baby puddle of "poor me" but I am watching it and
not
identifying but watching this same old energy. Seems the release which
happens regularly with me (its happening now while I write this, tears
and
sobs just flowing) always carries the same "underthread insight theme"
if I
said that right.
something like (bear with me...its tough to share this..easier to just
watch it cry itself out and leave the blessed sense of well-being in its
wake..but maybe someone out there can relate or knows why...what...)
something like.. "o I'm so alone and winter's coming and I've got $20
to my
name and no one lives out here..i'm really vulnerable...and so
tired...boo
hoo hoo. I need help, God..i really need someone to help me..."
that's as far as I can take it. since this kundalini I've not been
able
to do any of the things I used to do for money and nothing is in my
control.
I do psychic readings but not on the level that I used to do before
this, ie
running weekend workshops, teaching inner alchemy, leading meditation
groups
and body awareness etc.
Now I post a few flyers and run ads in the local alternative paper
and
people come when God sends them, by Grace and there's nothing I can do
about
it so the money thing is a place of total surrender. I live on
disability
payments, because, for working in the world, kundalini has disabled me.
my
doctor, a deep meditator has helped me get this 10 years ago.
I feel like this writing is longer than I mean for it to be and yet
maybe
not long enough. I'll stop now. If anyone can relate, a bit of support
and/or insight would be welcome.
blessing, deesutra
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