To: K-list
Recieved: 2004/08/28 08:53
Subject: [K-list] RE: K-list Digest, Vol 1ife
From: J.1 G.
On 2004/08/28 08:53, J.1 G. posted thus to the K-list:
life is a funny place, a palace of fate and fortune. its weird grip you
know it has on you when a friend seems to go through all of the things you
wish you never became - just to come out a different place - some where far
better off, stuck in understanding, always burning too bright, for too long,
too hard. "falling" for me ment mostly connecting to my third eye, and
temporarily becoming all of the things i couldn't help but judge.
it seems sad, as if, in this point in time, i am only, finally, just now- i
am coming to terms to what was really given up in ordered to connect to the
earth, and k processes, and what would more honestly seem to me as "life".
in ordered to aptly do that, i have had to lie to myself to create a reality
that explains a truth normally hidden, normally false in the eyes that i've
been used to.
tonight i put my energy into change, an excited spiritual change. seeing
those around myself in change, in this moment and every moment. honestly
change, not for any desire or want, but for change it's self. in this kind
of way, i connect to the part of myself that wants to express change. i
realize,that in every placewhere i am unaware, i am more free. and in the
places more aware, there is more understanding. life unfolds a mystery, but
the hope of love seems to be a driving force behind all my emotions. who
doesn't want, or wish for, or wish they had, honest love?
maybe i surrender to the saddest part of myself. this to release some poetic
part of myself? or maybe its the abstract qualities of life that really
makes "me" want to speak? when it comes down to it, i got lost in a song
somewhere, and that turned me into this. its weird when you can become so
totally connected to music, act as if its song came from your heart(and in
some way, knowing you are connected to everything, you know it honestly
did), wile the visual world is so profound. and you believe in beauty, and
every movie seems to portray something inside of your self..
and being young and reading "it is better to have love and lost.." and being
lost in your self, knowing its all a game and somehow someone else..making
love with your heart seems impossible. and you've already given up orgasms,
unintentionally, and you know once you go down to the bottom of lust you
have no desire. and you've felt desirelessness to such a great degree you've
seen both its good and bad sides, and you look at people knowing all that
you see is exactly what you look for. or are looking for. and you cry
without crying, and thats the greatest song you(and your will) will ever
sing, boiling hot water showers in the mourning(and you are stilll crying
with out the wet dropplets of tears and you can see in rain the release of
built up pressure and emotion and you know you spelt morning wrong but you
know you've spelt it right), waiting for your next drink or your next job
and life is a dream pounded into you, from alpha males, and bullet trains. a
great game. love only laughs in your face. knowing that there is no reason,
no way to accept the fate you have been given, but you have already seen
your future, and you simply gave that answer away to someone else. knowing
you cant handle that problem. and you cant help but think everyone great in
this world has died to heroine, or had epileptic sesiures, or just took too
many pills to get what they had gotten. and you know no one could understand
this the way it was written.
just what would you like to become? a needle sticking to your gums, asking
for more, and a nurse notices your sexual fascination? and you feel like
everyone who ever cared was the reason you fall, and you forget everything,
in the end, to hold your self up to the light that consumes only the ones
you would love the most in it's greatness, and final being. bAHHH and
everything comes out wrong, and you expect this, and the responce, and you
expect what you go through due to the reponce, and expect youself to get
something out of that, and this, and what you think and where you feel into,
BAHHh
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