To: K-list
Recieved: 2004/08/01 22:31
Subject: [K-list] RE: ego\confidence\anxiety
From: C thasgudenuff
On 2004/08/01 22:31, C thasgudenuff posted thus to the K-list:
hi Patrick,
>From: K-list-requestATkundalini-gateway.org
>Date: Sat, 31 Jul 2004 22:09:32 EDT
>From: Shadow121ATaol.com
>i also have lost much of my confidence. i feel like a wuss , i cant look
>people in the eye anymore. through doing all this 'ascencion\prophecy'
>stuff , i
>have become sort of iffy about myself. so there goes my security. my whole
>reality is questionable and my mind is lost 35% of the time. so much pent
>up and
>still being dihonest with what i hold true to me.>>
i love Grotweed's advice re the challenges you're presently addressing. you
might be interested in checking-out some Buddhist ideas with respect to
these issues. Pema Chodron, Thich Nhat Hahn, Chogyam Trungpa, for starters,
all approach the issue of self and the shifting states of mind and awareness
naturally accopanying the human condition.
everyone deals with this cycle of lack of confidence and confusion,
alternating to complete self-assurance and apparent clarity. all of the
qualities of mind/awareness fluctuate. it's only the underlying desire to
feel affirmed in the solidity of our selves and ego that results in the
perception of discomfort at the phases of being we find painful (ie.
confusion, loss of a feeling of sense of self/confidence, apparent
disharmony between our selves and others/the world). we all experience this
from time to time in our lives.
some of the experiences of these mental states seem more intensified than
others. often this more to do with an increased awareness of these phases,
rather than an increased intensification of the states themselves. when we
become more aware of our inner workings, thoughts, impressions, feelings,
and perceptions, they seem to become intensified, due to our increased
awareness and presence of attention.
the trick in dealing with the situation, is to become more of a passive
observer...while working to cultivate a sense of humor. don't be so hard on
yourself, all things pass. sometimes it seems we're doing well in the world,
other times it doesn't. if you examine the situation carefully tho, i think
you'll find that altho the movie appears to be ongoing, often seeming as tho
you're being tossed on the random waves of fortune and misfortune, pleasure
and pain, gain and loss, all these phenomena simply exist as the appearance
of the movie, an elaborate virtual reality taking place around you, within
you and as you.
from the presence of your own awareness, from simply the fact that you are
aware, allow things to come and go as they are. maybe think, "hm. that was
interesting." then attempt to withold judgement as to whether something
exists as inherently good or bad. notions of good and bad result of personal
value judgements, based on the conceptual criteria we've come to habitualize
throughout our lives. there's no mistake it all appears to still be
happening and there's no avoiding that, but whatever it is that's taking
place (the interplay of all phenomena, as mind, as the self arrayed as the
world), exists as pure magic, always available to be apprehended by us, if
only we allow things to be simply as they are.
now this isn't to imply we shouldn't do anything -make the correct choices
in life (ex. choosing the foods we know to be good for our body etc.),
that's just making the right choices given the information we have re the
world. but...and this is like one of my personal mantras...
we do the best we can and we let the rest go.
it's perfectly alright as it is. now you feel confused, as tho the rugs been
pulled-out from beneath you. you're experiencing a loss of the points of
reference that have thus far allowed you to orient yourself in relation to
your self and the world. the confusion tho is actually a blessing. confusion
is a sign that things are about to become more clear. it's an indication
that a burst of growth and increased awareness is arising within you. enjoy
the confusion. take time to simply observe it, making no effort to alter it,
label it or change it in any way. it will pass of its own if you're simply
present with it. just watch. be an observer. "wow, the self and its
experiences are so multi-faceted! what a wonderful thing!" if we were always
clear, confident and self-assured, we'd have no way of realizing it's value
as such, would not have labelled it as good or preferable, having had
nothing previous to compare it to. even the self-assuredness resulting of a
loss of identification with the ego (as a solid, unchanging, autonomously
existing aspect of self), only arises naturally as a result of having come
to an acceptance of the confusion that seemingly arises from time to time.
it's all relative. it's all always changing. the trick is to not become too
attached to any of it.
it's been my absolute exprience time and time again that any period of
uncertainty and confusion, always passes with another stage of clarity and
assurance eventually arising to take its place. so long as we know the tide
always ebbs and flows, that none of these phases ever lasts completely and
forever, that there is no goal of an ultimate god-like state to be attained,
we're free to enjoy the movie with some degree of detachment.
and y'gotta have a sense of humor! that helps. it helps to be able to laugh
at oneself, to have some perspective for the situation for what it is. like
my spiritual teacher used to say, "you've all died thousands of times
and...you don't look any worse for it!"
so take care of yourself, but realize that confusion is a healthy part of
being an aware being. it's a positive sign. observe it. embrace it.
appreciate it for what it is. cuz like all things, it will pass.
>my friends are no longer my friends and i am no longer who i am. my
>appearance has changed and so has my self image. i lost my mind and my
>imagination
>takes over ,scared of what i would do with someone close to me. dreamworld
>and
>'lose ten pounds' clashing.>>
getting grounded might be helpful. i'm not sure what you've been doing with
this "ascension/prophecy" stuff. i don't know what that is. my own
inclination has been to explore the techniques and approach/practice of
those of the traditions that have been on this earth for a very long time.
Vajrayana Buddhist meditation practice works for me. it's very grounded and
very down-to-earth, not spaced-out and new agey. it's about bringing
awareness into the present moment. what could be more authentic and more
grounded than that?
just a thought.
>i am finding that down to my very root , there is an arrogance , even an
>arrogance in this arrogance. at one time i thought that i was an angel sent
>by The
>Creator. I thought that i would have all the answers and that they were
>stored in myself. I believed this and with this false confidence, i was
>humble, or
>so i thought. looking back on all of that now , i lost my mind , and was
>an
>egotistical\selfimportant\jerk and i thought i was holier than everyone.
>
>alienation as a result.>>
well, for a long time i thought i was Jesus Christ, now i know every one is.
people tend to be aversive to expressions/ideas of self-aggrandizement. few,
however, are aversive to someone recognizing the divinity within *them*.
begin to notice that these same qualities of potentiality and holiness are
present in all beings, and in the world itself, and you'll attract alot more
people than you'd prob'ly like to. : D
then your smile becomes, more and more over time given the pure and proper
intent, a smile to bring happiness to others, as opposed to bring attention
(and thereby happiness) to your self. there can be no true happiness in the
absence of compassion and selfless giving. true happiness arises as a result
of recognizing the sacred in all beings, in bringing joy to others, however
small or brief, and in expecting absolutely nothing in return for doing so.
this is a freedom. through compassion and selfless giving, through the
practice of Love for all beings everywhere, the attachment to the separate
notion of a self and an autonomous, permanent, solid ego, becomes more and
more transparent, until it's realized as having no more substantiality (and
no less) than any other thing we can name, experience, think, feel, or
perceive. the Buddhist's speak of this awareness as "equal taste".
>so now i have such anxiety and everything is magnified. leeching onto
>things
>because i dont know how to be myself. this form is uncomfertable. i am
>tired
>of doing all of this. thinking for lack of something to do. analyzing
>because
>i trained myself that way.>>
just watch. oh! look! anxiety. interesting. oh! look! i'm being myself in
not knowing how to be myself! interesting. i'm uncomfortable. i'm tired. i'm
analyzing all the time. interesting.
it all passes. simply be an observer. be "in the world, but not of it", so
to speak. did you think that saying implied all the things in the world like
traffic jams, relationships, rainstorms? well, the inner world also exists
"as the world".
>i dont even know what to write , i am just writing.>>
excellent!! : )
>so many insecurities as i look through my life and see there's barely
>anyone
>left.
>===
>i am looking for one answer to something.
>maybe that's wehre my problem is held in
>and the tension builds and my insanity is
>being something that guides me beccause
>i do not want to make choices that avoid
>making myself do something and being an
>actual person who has responsabilities.>>
you're running in circles with this. your thoughts are not the way out.
then, they're not not the way out either. simply sit. relax. as your
thoughts wander, no matter what they are about, simply watch them come and
go, in the absence of any sort of judgement whatsoever. simply think,
"thinking". it's helpful to sit like this for 5-10 mins in the morning and
at night, for starters. it doesn't need to be any more than this. simply sit
and watch. then throughout the day, practice mindfulness. when you notice
your thoughts going in circles like that, or when they're self-defeating or
repetitive, bring your awareness back to the present moment. think,
"thinking", then resume your activity, paying as close attention to the feel
of your body, breath, thing you are eating, whatever it may be. this is
meditation practice that's available to you even when you do not seem to be
able to make the time to practice zazen (: just sitting). only, zazen helps
to remember to do this throughout the day.
this is meditation. and life is meditation when we bring our presence of
awareness to it, to whatever activity it is we find ourselves engaged with.
if you're feeling confused and frustrated, simply observe it. it will pass.
>not an egotistical jerk , but it scares me.
>i dont know why , but i have no idea how
>to live without my ego. without that sense
>of defense which gaurds me and has
>shielded me from teh truth.>>
you don't have to live without ego. simply recognize it in its true nature.
in order to do that it's necessary to start from where we are. we bring our
awareness into the present simply by watching what's taking place within us.
while watching we might ask ourselves, "where are these thoughts coming
from? where do they exist? in my mind? where in my mind? in some neuron?
what is a neuron? what is it made of? is this the self? where do thoughts go
when they seem to pass?"
in truth i think you'll notice that the thoughts arise like bubbles to the
surface of a pond, appear on/as the pond, then disappear again into the
surface of the water. waves arise on the surface of the ocean, then vanish
again. a wave may be called a wave just as a thought may be called a
thought, but the wave is no more separate from the ocean, than is the
thought separate from the silence within which it appears. all phenomena is
like this.
an apple is the result of a seed, air, rain, earth consisting of decomposed
material that also once came into existence with air, water, sunlight, other
decomposed material etc. everything is like this, including the self. search
for a basis of the ego and you will find none. knowing this, thoroughly
exploring and searching for the basis, for the ground of being, for any
solidity whatsoever for the ego, one comes to experientially recognize it
for what it is, a vehicle for the expression of an ever-changing stream of
awareness, the mind-stream. there's no sense in seeking to rid oneself of
the ego, that only causes more problems if we're approaching the attempt
head-on like some sort of war we wage on an aspect of ourselves, like
attacking a pimple or something. agkh. no...we simply free ourselves-up in
coming to realize the true nature of the ego, which is illusory like all
things, which is not to say they are not 'real'.
aaanyway, i might should keep it simple! sheesh.
>i wish i had something worthwhile to write,
>neat to see though that others are ego clearing too
>
>i'd like to send otu much love , but i'm crazy and dont know how
>Patrick>>
crazy! how interesting, Patrick! me too!! i tend to think that us crazies
have some of the greatest potential for realization. it's a blessing, trust
me. the rug was pulled-out from beneath me in a BIG way when i was 19 and
began to experience what i now know to be kundalini-shakti awakening. it's
the confusion that eventually brings some measure of illumination. can't be
attached to any of it.
simply be present, and watch.
Aum,
christa
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