To: K-list
Recieved: 2004/02/23 19:55
Subject: Re: [K-list] journey
From: Deepak Srinivasan

i have been posting quite a bit in the last few days
and i dont know what sort of healing one gets and i
know that it is different for ALL, but sometimes,
there is deep distrubance within me...i read the
emapath bit that mystress had on her webpage, its
strange how i hooked onto one control drama to
another. I am scared of my own self. I somehow feel
that i keep tripping myself, like there is some mean
evil thing hidden within my own soul. I dont know why
i feel this but i do....and i try to overcome that by
feeling forced altruistic feelings for others....yet,
there's the altrusim...
i think having played the aloof/victim drama most my
life, I suddenly felt extremely powerful by the new
found sense of power, on the concious manipulative
level, and then i started playing the showering the
light thing....or looking for the higher self in
another...or something like that...
and once i discovered all the reasons from my past, as
to why i thought the way i did, there was an
incredible self-sympathy wave...
and i keep avoiding regular work that i need to do,
becoz i feel its not that important....but there's
another viouce telling me to get it done with and i
dont want to do it...
there's so much internal reisitance to a lot of
things...
is it bad to be happy with the "results" following the
awakening? i don't know....
i think im not letting go...to the higher wisdom...i
do, and there's peace, then there's a wave voice that
takes over...restlessness...numbness...the
manipulative thing comes back again and
again...without my realising it...
its scary....
is all this healing or am i fooling myself?
lost my train of thought...please excuse my
abstractness...
thanks all
D


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