To: K-list
Recieved: 2003/11/11 00:29
Subject: Void and Self. Re: [K-list] Picture and Question
From: Mystress
On 2003/11/11 00:29, Mystress posted thus to the K-list:
At 06:46 AM 10/11/03, Mpc5995 AT_NOSPAM aol.com wrote:
><< I'm not obese, but I'm bigger than
> ever before... wanna see?
> http://www.fire-serpent.org/data/Dcp01087%20copy.jpg
> >>
>Mystress,
>
>You look great!
Thanks... That one was the most flattering of that series. There are a
few folks that have said I look better, since I started gaining weight. I
know that what I see and what others see is not the same... perception is a
funny thing... but I love clothes, I have the largest wardrobe of anyone I
know, and I cannot get into most of it... including about $5000 worth of
custom leathers. Arg! A while ago, I went to the second hand stores and got
a few dozen pairs of tights, because nothing fit.
>Do you have a "before" picture? :)
Heh... dozens, from my days as fetish pin-up Queen. I mentioned going
through my old photos recently, it was because I finally got around to
putting up the photo album pages on my personal site.
Let me pick a few that are not too kinky.. ;)
AT_NOSPAM 116lbs:
http://www.domin8rex.com/serpent/images/classic/imag_album2.html
AT_NOSPAM 125lbs
http://www.domin8rex.com/serpent/images/altered/ima_geomet.html
AT_NOSPAM 135lbs.
http://www.domin8rex.com/serpent/images/classic/imag_me768.html
AT_NOSPAM 157lbs
http://www.domin8rex.com/serpent/images/classic/imag_leather02.html
I had fun at Hallow'een, (Samhain ritual, party, feast) making a parody
of my big belly voluptuousness in a mermaid costume, the jewel in my navel
was stuck there with honey, kept melting and sliding down. I wore big fake
comedy breasts that everyone wanted to touch, the nipples were pinched so
often that they were misshapen by the end of the evening... and a cheap
blonde wig apparently changed my appearance so much that people who have
known me for years did not recognise me... perhaps because the funny outfit
was so out of character for their mental image of the aloof untouchable
Mystress.
>I was wondering if you would describe "the void" or "passing throught the
>void" as I have been reading about this and I wondered what your experience /
>thoughts are on this "stage". I have read everything from it is a deep inner
>peace/silence tha come after the period of the waves of bliss to one woman
>who says it took here 6 months to clear and she was laid up in her house
>with only a few visitors and that some people can go into a coma.
The latter sounds odd, (six months???) and makes me wonder if it really
was the Void she experienced. The coma would be samadhi.
Some people consider the Void to be an aspect of the heart chakra,
others, the crown. I think it is more crown chakra related, because it is
an out of body experience, but as the heart has the entire universe within
it, the void is there, too. It is there, and it is no where, and
everywhere. Once you have integrated the void, it becomes all one sacred
space. The space between the stars, the atoms, the neurons in the brain are
all Void, and consciousness.
I'm in the mood for some story telling as I drink my morning whey
protein beverage...
I do not really know what it is like for other people. I can tell you
of my own experiences... which are not purely K, but also part of my Shaman
training.
My students attain the void at graduation of FST level 1, a ritual that
fully opens the heart (Grail) and directs them to the Void via the Sun.
They have a year's preparation, so the experience is not traumatic. Some do
access it sooner. The Grad ritual is coded into the Shaktipat of some
lessons, so if they are ready, receptive and it is "as Goddess Wills", they
may experience the ritual spontaneously at some point in the course... and
a few very receptive folks have experienced the grad ritual from the
grounding page. Shakti teaches.
After my Shamanic initiation (shamanic re-awakening, more like...)
Chacmool kept directing me to use acid (LSD) as a ritual of getting to know
some parts of myself. (That is NOT a recommendation to try it!) Enthogens
were a big part of ancient Mayan mysticism.
I have had odd, sometimes scary psychic events all my life, and at age
12 I taught myself self hypnosis from a book, and used it to wall off
anything even remotely scary... it took some powerful medicine to break
down those walls. Each trip, I would be shown a new aspect of my
consciousness, and would "bookmark" the feelings or associations so that I
could re-attain the state when straight. I was experienced in altered
states, and had good guides... but the stuff is certainly dangerous,
especially for Kundalites.
Spring 1996, two of my slaves asked to try it, and me be their
guide. With some preparation, I agreed. I'll refer to them as B and C. At
the beginning of the trip, the three of us were lounging on my waterbed,
chatting with c's guide, a mysterious being who appeared as a tiger with a
rich British accent. That somehow lead to the three of us turning into Boer
War soldiers... where C had met the Tiger when it was human, in another
life. We had fun identifying their roles. I vaguely felt was a high
ranking officer, (possibly my own grandfather, who was a Colonel in the
Boer War.) C was my second, and B was a private-ensign. We all saw his
uniform clearly, though physically he was naked. (later that night he
turned into a Mohawk Indian with a crow on his shoulder, but that is
another story.)
My attention was on them, but after a while of this they both turned
to me asking who I was manifesting. I said I did not know, but I'd check..
I lay back, closed my eyes, turned inward and asked Ramana's eternal
question, "Who am I?"
Wham! I was transported into an entirely different state of
consciousness... an incredible, immeasurable vastness, that said it was
infinite, nameless, nothing, and it said it was (is) me. I was shown
creation, stars and planets being born, primordial forests and dinosaurs,
shapshots of evolution and told I did that.
I was captivated by the state, but had to keep opening my eyes and
reassuring my companions, who were feeling it and getting a little
freaked... coming in and out like that, the experience faded, but not
before I had "bookmarked" it.
I spent some weeks after, contemplating the state. I really did not
know what to make of it, so hard to believe that THAT could be me? Doing
research that makes me laugh to think of, now. Looking in books to find out
what God-dess was infinite nameless nothing... LOL!!! The obvious answer,
eluded me.
Sometime after, another slave came to visit, and after his chores he
knelt before me. For no reason, as I looked in his eyes, I connected with
that energy. he started shaking with Kriyas, gasped "Goddess!" and fell
over. I had two thoughts... one of surprise. "he recognized it!" and the
other a recognition of "ups, looks like I got another one." These days, he
is my only slave, and I call him my druid, and husband. I have referred to
the Void as "Goddess", ever since.
The next 8 months there was much upheaval. I realized my SM sessions
had been causing K. awakening in my clients, for unknown years. This was a
big crisis of conscience, because they had not asked for that... SM games
are strictly consensual. My rented home/playroom was sold that summer, and
scheduled to be demolished, and it broke my heart to leave there. druid
offered me a place to stay, with him in his condo. I decided I would take
the winter off, and go visit some K-list friends in the US, to get insights
into where my path was to lead, but was denied entry repeatedly... which
was traumatic. Dec. 11, on the day of my last attempt, when I lost my
temper and asked for a hearing, slave c. died. I had forseen his death
repeatedly, and done all I could to try to change his fate, but it was not
mine to change. An accident (there are none) in Sacred space that New
Years left me with a severe back injury, that took months to recover from.
I lost my work, my home, one of my most beloved friends, my freedom to
travel, my health... all within the space of a few months.
This kind of loss and upheaval is typically a precursor to ego
death... and that came next... Feb 2. 1997. Easily, the most terrifying
experience of my life. Don't feel like writing it all out again, my
original post about it is in the archives...
http://www.kundalini-gateway.org/klist/k1997d/k97d00002.html
Funny to reread that old post... I really did not know what was
happening, did not have words for it: "Ego death." My perspective has changed.
In a nutshell: I was tripping, dancing in the void contemplating a
business opportunity I had been offered. My various doubts and fears kept
coming up, and in the void, a nondual place, they would turn inside out,
creativity turning problems into inspiration, each one unfolding to make
the plan even better... but nevertheless I became impatient with the part
of me that had fears and doubts, and asked to end it... not realizing what
I was really asking for, the end of duality.
The void opened in a new way, a swallowing abyss, and I got caught on a
fear... relived my own birth, dealt with a roomful of angry ancestors,
etc. I realized if I fell in (it was sucking me in irresistibly, but I was
resisting...) I would be reborn... but as what? My thought was, if Goddess
does not judge then what is to stop me from being reborn in the shape of my
fears?
A friend helped me get through it. Processing took a while. For months
afterward, any doubts about the destined perfection of my life would send
ice cold clammy energy up my spine, like the hand of death chilling my
neck... more old emotional energy releasing.
The ego death was incomplete. An ego splinter manifested by my age 12
self hypnosis remained, had me trapped in duality. 18 months later,
following guidance I integrated her, via a ritual of the Elysian
mysteries, as Persephone... that was also my graduation ritual as a
Shaman... and self realization... but it took a few more years before I
really stabilized in it and stopped attaching to things, growing new egos,
falling into self created astral hells.
Along the way I recognised the void in a new way, as an old friend. It
is the creative place of wisdom I go to, that I have been visiting all my
life in the ADD blink-outs, and when I leave my body to channel
guidance. I am not aware of myself, when I do that, so the recognition
took time.
And now... this healer I have been working with, said some interesting
things, last session. Some of what she said, I do not understand... some
things, not resonant, and other things really were, and are intriguing me.
Not attaching to them, but just sitting with them, to see what will unfold
of it.
She said some true things... that I have been just "marking time", and
that the work I do now is not wholly fulfilling to me.
After the Persephone ritual, I was "blissing out under the boddhi
tree." Seeing only perfection, Goddess in All, and All a reflection of my
Divine Self. Nothing to do, nothing to fix. Others came asking me to do
what I had been doing, heal, teach... but I saw God-dess in them and knew
they truly needed nothing.
Eventually, it occurred to me that bliss was getting a little boring,
and if Goddess in them was calling me back to the work, then why not? I had
attained my spiritual goals, and could not think of anything better to do
with my life, and it seemed a waste of an incarnation, to do nothing. So I
came back to it, created a teacher-ego to write Fire Serpent Tantra...
... and writing this I see, that I became what others wanted me to be,
which is the story of my life... and the new place, is to find out what is
inside... To find my purpose.
I have seldom given much thought to purpose. Life has the meaning we
give to it, it does not need a reason. Richard Bach said (sic) "In the path
of your happiness will you find the _ for which you have chosen this
lifetime"... Joseph Campbell said "follow your bliss." So that is what I
have been doing... I told her that, and she said quoting other people's
words was like throwing corpses at her with the power of my Shakti. Old
news, recycled.
She kept asking what I get out of doing what I do. "I like watching
people grow" was all I could think of. That was not the right answer,
apparently. "entertainment is not purpose." Oh? The miracles never get
boring, but the challenge and newness is gone. I have known that, for a
while. I have never held one job for more than six years, and I have been
counselling K people via internet since 1996, longer than that, in real life.
"Marking time"... yeah, I guess so.
She pointed out I am cynical... I had not realized it. On the "thanks
and credits" page, I mention people, mostly authors who have influenced and
inspired me, and state that there are no new ideas... just retelling of the
same few, just as music is all made of the same few notes. I had not
noticed how cynical that attitude is.
She was saying that from me will come something new. Something
original, that is wholly my own, coming of Goddess manifesting through the
unique vessel that is me.
mmm... having a new mystery to engage my curiosity, delights me. A new
place of growing, how fabulous!! :) Excited is not the right word, because
excitement presupposes anticipation, foreknowledge.. and I really do not
know what the new manifestation will be. Intrigued, curious, detached.
One of my priestesses called me the other night, all excited, saying
she had received a message for me... that my personal feeling of loss of
beauty is the foreshadowing of an incoming gift, a new talent or ability.
Heh, yeah I know, but thanks for the validation... the truth of purpose,
has to come from within.
She also said that other people will always see me beautiful, that it
is presence, not physical. Yeah, I know, beauty is in the eye... My desire
to lose weight it is about how *I* see me... "Big booty" might be trendy,
but it is not my personal aesthetic.
On Friday I have an appointment with an ADD specialist. I am
self-diagnosed, and it is time I got a professional opinion, perhaps some
medication to find out who I am, without it. This potential intrigues me
also.
So I sit again, at an interesting crossroads. Looking backward to see
where I have been, without attachment... and wondering about who I will
become, but without projection or speculation: enjoying the mystery. Asking
again, "who am I? Waiting for the insights... without impatience.
Listening to the rain on the roof, in the here and now.
Hey, thanks for listening, as I sort through my thoughts. Morning has
grown into afternoon, a very pleasant way to spend the day.
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