To: K-list
Recieved: 2003/10/20 01:38
Subject: [K-list] sunday night thoughts
From: Martin Kerr
On 2003/10/20 01:38, Martin Kerr posted thus to the K-list:
hello everyone,
:-)
aforehand, i'll say sorry for talking a lot....
i know i don't have to say that - here.
yet i just wish to say it as it often seems to me
that i may just appear to ramble on aimlessly
without any good direction.
i'm probably in good company :-)
i may seem to be to eager to rant on like this,
but i just feel that i learn so much from random
sentances that people may innocently say in the
midst of chatter...
and here, on this list there seems to be good
reason to chatter, just in case something is
a spark...
( "who for martin, us or you ?"
.. erm, dunno, maybe it is just me... )
...
Quiet noises make me shivver.
since about august this year, and co-inciding with
my very odd dreams where i was getting killed and stuff -
"quiet" noises make me shivver.
by a quiet noise, i specifically mean, noises which
one hears lying in bed at 4am as something-in-the-room
cools to a slightly lower temperature and goes "PLINK!"
or "CLICK!" ... quite quietly, but really percussively.
i don't know if this is a symptom, or a cause, but
this first happened, as i said, during august,
and specifically the first occurance was the noise
in the room that triggered the loud voice i mentioned
the other week...
as the sound in the room went "plink" ... i was half
asleep, but the sound came into my ears with a rushing
wave of shivvering which roared from my feet up to
my crown leaving me feeling "energised" all over my skin.
goose bumps all over me... and at the same moment
the howling noise of the voice shouted so so loud that
i thought i could feel the breeze of the speaker's breath.
the voice was shouting "get out!" - although it did not
sound like it...
if i had have been wearing pants at the time,
it would have scared them off me.
i sat bolt upright in bed, hugging my knees, i didn't
feel panicky, just a overawing sense of
"What the Hell was THAT?"
- as one can imagine.
i calmly answered my self saying :
"well, it's been weird week so far, so better buckle in"
[ "weird" here being used as an understatement,
what with having been killed 5 times in my
dreams the previous night an' all ]
so i lay back down again.
it was at this moment as i lay there, that i thought of
the previous night... and what i had been "working on"
with my philosophy earlier that night...
i had been "meditating" upon some text i wrote - without
realising i had been meditating ... and in my opinion -
i felt suspicious that i had accidentally left my
self open... and subsequently i had become schizophrenic,
and this was the result....
[ as i've said, i knew little to nothing about kundalini
at this time, or it's links - until two days later ]
but i felt feared of this thought of schizophrenia, i
felt "no, that's wrong - it just seems wrong" ...
i am feeling this because i have seen something,
i have noticed something - or at least my body has
noticed something.
and this is an subconcious signal to me to be careful,
to treat what i have seen with respect.
[ yeah, a little like the end of Arthur C. Clarke's 2010
if you've seen it ]
so on this thought i relaxed my tension.
and settled down into my bedding again.
then minutes later - in a corner of the room
- that same corner that probably sits there all day
quietly clicking to itself every 6.43 hours without
any care in the word - quietly clicked.
and the wave of tingling electric madness rushed up
through my body again, leaving my skin electrified
again...
and this time the voice was soft, gentle and loving,
and i could not even hear the words as words... it
was like a light silk being thrown over my head,
sensouous and weightless.
i slept soundly. effortlessly. and woke filled with
warmth and rest.
but ever since... and i've been noticing it more and
more [ probably since focussing on it ]
these noises, humble little noises which a rooms makes
all the time. in it's day-to-day expanding and contracting,
warming and cooling, tensing and relaxing.
well, they make me zapp and tingle all the time,
sometimes with a roar of sound, sometimes just soft
and subtle... but always intense in some way.
to be honest - i'm curious.
:-)
...
i was writing a piece of music tonight in my flat.
nothing exciting - just another mellancholy laid
back tune to go with all the other mellancholy laid
back tunes.
i was wondering about lyrics for the tune,
and i was thinking upon asking a friend to sing them.
a good friend, and part of a local band formed together
with her husband. a wonderful singer.
i don't know if she will, or whether i am going to ask.
all the same, i like to use ideas like this as philosophical
triggers in my head onto new questions and thoughts.
i don't mean as a phantasy - which to me, is a dream
world of desires.
in phantasy, we get attached to the projections,
and we get lost or hurt when they fade.
i mean simply as watching a tree of new thoughts,
watching them branch, and observing the beauty
of the way in which our thoughts unfold.
this is how i teach myself, without fear of any
thought, or loosing any thought,
but by watching and seeing.
so anyway, what was i saying...
i was thinking about how to express to her the feeling
i have tried to evoke in the music and the words.
so that she could see how i would feel the words.
then i thought on asking her to write her own lyrics
if she felt she wanted to.
and i thought then on how i would still like to keep
to the original emotive feeling of the tune itself.
so how would i express that for a tune with no words?
well, i tend to write from a perspective of rythym
and movement, perhaps we all do... but i went into
that thought...
.. i thought that i could say that the music to me
evokes the constant multitude of sensations that occur
in life, but without making them sound sweet, niether dark.
and i thought that i could say that i write from a
perspective of nature and love - not just of the
birds and trees and sky and hugs and kisses - but all
things that are our extended nature - our environment,
our technology. our religions and philosophies.
and i could perhaps say that i try to express the
nature of being natural.
perhaps i'm trying to speak about the process,
which is called in some ways - the tao.
or i could see the rythym as the quantum physicists
quantified particle, collapsing into reality with
the beat of each drum.
and the melody rides along as the wave of this
particle...
completing the reality... complementing it...
and so, do our feelings ride the staccato measurements
we make, our senses timed by the pulse of our heart?
if i focus in one single moment of time, on the feeling
at that moment, does it hit me with it's noise, like a sine wave
caught in a loop - like a jumping CD - like a skipping
record player.... ?
you see - if i focus on the moment, it is not living
in THE moment, it is living in THAT moment.
and my mind will be as much confused by what is beauty
and love, as the physicist is confused as to the
uncertainty of matter.
i can stand with the other false-enlightened and shout:
"i have love, i have it's measurement here!"
and listen to the shout back:
"well, if you have, you've really not got it!"
so, how do i need to live...?
i need to listen to the music, and dance.
and i need to listen to the sensations, and act.
listen, watch, observe...
not: measure, judge, and project...
i cannot dance if i am constantly checking the tempo,
wondering what the last note was, guessing what
the next word in the lyric will be....
... i would fall over.
so it is perhaps i should live...
listen and dance - in perfect synchonisity.
watch and learn - in openness.
observe and understand - in syn-Thesis.
sense and love - in harmony.
.... perhaps.
... it may, of course be complete rubbish, but hey
who's to say :-)
this is just one way i see it... subject to change...
by eternal fire and re-growth in the fertile soil
of the cosmos.
sorry, i've rambled for too long, i'll finish now....
with love and peace,
martin.
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