To: K-list
Recieved: 2003/09/28 11:22
Subject: [K-list] Was: Irrational fears? Or there is a cause ... ? Now:
From: Charles
On 2003/09/28 11:22, Charles posted thus to the K-list:
> > Somehow this is like recarnation. You have a life to "clean"
> >yourselve. If you are not able to do so, all your faults go to your
children
> >etc ...
>
> When we clear them from ourselves, it sends ripples into the past and
> up the hierarchy of ancestors.
Yes this is very true. My father has steadfastly refused to do anything to
alleviate himself from his bitterness, shame, anger and regret, rather
repressing it because it is too painful. Both my brother and myself have been
on self development courses and the like but my Dad gets very fearful when we
talk about healing in any capacity and wriggles out of our space if the focus
ever turns his way. But recently Ive noticed slowly but surely the changes in
him are becoming apparant as time goes on and my brother and I work on our
"stuff". It is as if somehow he is being released from his prison too. Its
really incredible to see.
The K is firing strongly for me right now and more and more negative
energy/karma is coming up to be released. The opportunities are presenting
themselves that are enabling me to confront my shadow and learn to embrace
and love every aspect of myself.
Most recently it's shame that I'm confronting and the fear of being exposed.
My shame, family shame, ancestral shame and cultural shame. But first and
foremost my own shame. Fear, anger, hatred and sadness present themsleves in
a much more obvious way than shame and are almost undeniable. Its a matter of
choice as to how you deal with those emotions but I think shame is a
different animal altogether because it creeps up on you perhaps lingering for
years silently in the background nibbling away at self worth and self esteem
relatively un-noticed.
I felt very moved this morning to write a list of all the things that I feel
ashamed of. I couldnt believe how long the list was. I found all sorts of
things that I have judged as unacceptable and have buried and repressed in
the hope that they would go away in the fullness of time. But as I have seen
written on this list on many occassions "What you repress comes up ugly!" and
this is very true. Its like there has been a "little me" cowering away
somewhere feeling unloveable, inadequate and unworthy due to some of my past
thoughts, words and actions, and that negative energy has pervaded every cell
of my being to some extent whether I like it or not, causing me to reject
myself on some level. Its no wonder Ive always felt uncomfortable accepting
compliments, gifts and essentially love.
So I think the first stage is complete, which is acknowledgement of the
things that I am ashamed of, by bringing them into the light of present
moment awareness. And the next stage is to do a meditation getting fully in
touch with the "ashamed little me" sending unconditional love, acceptance and
compassion from my heart without judgement, loving me in all my shame.
I really want to feel joy in my heart and I know that by doing this kind of
work, that will become possible. I know that the more fully I embrace every
aspect of my being the more free I will be to express myself and speak my
truth without having to try and please the whole time, always saying and
doing the "right" thing so that I feel good enough, acceptable and loveable.
Im reading a very special book called "Spiritual Alchemy" by Dr Christine
Page. Ive read many of these types of books but this has climbed to number
one in my list and I highly recommend it.
A paragraph that really resonated for me:
"........ some have compartmentalized their life often creating an enigmatic,
elite existence where they feel special while obscuring the feelings of
inadequacy and invisibility that are present within their real world. Now
they are forced to live in fear that one day someone will find the key to
their mind and expose their humiliating secrets." Dr Christine Page
Thank you for giving me the space to share this.
Charles
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