To: K-list
Recieved: 2003/08/10 07:40
Subject: Re: [K-list] Age of awakening poll II
From: Julie D
On 2003/08/10 07:40, Julie D posted thus to the K-list:
>
> What age were you when you first became K awakened? What do you think
> triggered your awakening?
>
Hi Hillary,
I was 33 years and 9 months.
I had been practising TM for 3 months. About a year earlier I had read
Steven Covey's book "The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People." It was
in this book that I had heard about the focusing and relaxation benefits of
TM. I had approached the Melbourne centre at the time and was outraged at
the prices they charged for the group service they offered. I decided they
were a cult and decided not to have anything to do with them. The thought
of doing it wouldn't go away though. Each Saturday I would see the ad in
the newspaper and somehow feel guilty. In October of that year I found out
(in 3 different ways) they were teaching the course free in the first week
of November in order to lift the vibrations in Melbourne for the '92 state
govt. elections. My ex-husband and I did it together.
Prior to this I had been mulling over death. In January '91 my mother in
law had died. This was the first funeral I had ever been too. Somehow I
had managed to get to my 30's without anyone close to me dying. It seems
astonishing now. In August '92 the first man that I had fallen in love with
died. In between I had been to 8 other funerals. Everywhere I looked I saw
death and decay. I started to ponder the futility of my own existence. I
was at a point where the plans and dreams of my youth had happened. I had
a husband that I loved, 2 beautiful children, a home that I'd renovated, a
business that was doing quite well and a yuppie life style with a wide
social network. These things had been the goals in my life, when I got
these things then I was going to be completely happy. Instead I felt so
empty, so unfulfilled it was almost unbearable. There was nothing left in
my world paradigm to hope for. I couldn't project my fulfillment into some
imagined future because I couldn't imagine or understand what was missing.
Each day I became more mired in the existential angst that was consuming me.
I remember getting up one morning and saying out loud "God, if this is it,
if I have to live the next 40 or 50 years of my life like this, I'm ready to
die now." The really scary thing was that after I said it I realised I
meant it to the depth of my being. There wasn't even a small part of me
that wanted to retract the statement.
During this period I also started to have realisations that my relationship
with my husband wasn't as wonderful as I had believed it was. I started to
wonder whether I did really love him. There was really no emotional intimacy
and I was carrying a hell of a lot of deep resentment about it. I walked
through the family room one day where he was watching TV and turned to him
and said "I'm not going to wait for you forever you know," and then wondered
what in the hell I meant by that. I had no idea. He didn't bother to ask
either. Our relationship had deteriorated to a business relationship with
sex. I started to feel really trapped and we went to marriage guidance
counselling. It made things worse. More and more stuff was coming to the
surface that I could no longer repress. I started to feel I was a slave to
my sexual desire and because of that unable to change my life circumstances
with my ex. Eventually I stopped having sex with him.
Within a month of starting to meditate, I was feeling a presence that warmed
me to my core. Often I would be flooded from above by a golden light. My
spirits soared. I remember coming out of meditation one day and saying, "I
love therefore I am." I had been pondering Descartes statement, "I think
therefore I am," earlier that day. I was overawed by the truth in my
variation. I think of this as a golden period. Everything I touched turned
to Gold. Our business and staff were flourishing and I seemed to be
acheiving things effortlessly in all area's of my life and everything seemed
to be charged with a new vitality. I was also having quite incredible
spiritual experiences that I was interpreting according to the spiritualist
paradigm that I'd discovered a month or so before I'd learned to meditate.
Toward the end of January I started feeling arousal in my genital region.
I'd been celebate for about 3 1/2 months by this stage and this arousal made
me feel so uncomfortable that I stopped meditating. By this stage I was
totally addicted to meditating. It kept happening and eventually after
several experiences in meditation it became clear that if my spiritual
development was to continue I needed to open up. I sweated over this for
two days. I wanted to and didn't want to simultaneously. I had no idea
what I was opening too. On February 8, 1993 I jumped into the unknown and
accepted the terms and felt the ecstacy of Kundalini for the first time.
Over the next 3 months I got the grand tour of my personal heavens and hells
as kundalini charged through me on an almost continuous basis. The decision
to open up meant that for those three months I couldn't close down again. I
had signed up for the complete tour and there was no option to get off
again. There is a fine line between pleasure and pain and I crossed it over
and over again. In this period I did nothing else accept deal with my
internal wars. My family ate takeaways, my house disintegrated into a hovel
and I didn't go to work or socialise. Kundalini totally consumed me in a
huge battle for soveignty. Eventually I gave up. I see it now as the best
thing I have ever done.
Regards,
Julie.
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