To: K-list
Recieved: 2003/05/05 22:48
Subject: [K-list] New to the list because of liquor
From: The Lime Tree
On 2003/05/05 22:48, The Lime Tree posted thus to the K-list:
Hello everyone,
This is my first post to this list. A few things I've read here and on other
sites today have prompted me to join the discussion.
A bit about my experience. Two years ago I had a traumatic sexual
experience that triggered what I concluded was post-traumatic stress
disorder. While PTSD explanations helped me keep my mind straight as I
battled an overwhelming mind-body split, helped me come to grips with
terrifying thought patterns polarizing everything between good and evil, and
affirmed my instinct to explore the concept of breakdown (I call it the
Humpty-Dumpty experience) as a path towards spiritual growth, I couldn't
find much to explain certain symptoms. The inexplicable symptoms I learned
to observe and accept (mind you, not without tears/thoughts of suicide,
etc.).
Basically, in addition to all sorts of other pains/processes, for several
months I was chronically sexually aroused. I felt on the verge of orgasm all
of the time, had overwhelming energy rushes and felt like my being had
become a conduit for a primal sexual force. There was a tiny bit of
literature on women becoming hypersexual after trauma, but this was
described mainly as a form of sexual acting out as a result of having a
diminished sense of self. What I felt, however, seemed more than sexual and
took over my entire body. I didn't want sex, and wasn't pursuing it, but
felt overwhelmed by this energy. More than any other symptom, I wanted this
one gone. My therapist didn't have any answers (particular as most women
became sexually deadened after trauma) and concluded that I was
"hyperaroused" due to being stuck in a fight-flight psycho-physiological
state (which seemed reasonable to me). She said, "Just enjoy the orgasm;
stop judging your experience. " So, I listened, practiced, and overtime, its
power waned.
Fast forward. Six months ago I met a man who had been suffering from a
spiritual emergency for several years who called his experience a kundalini
awakening. I was surprised to learn that these sexual rushes and energy
rushes were described in kundalini literature. Prior to learning about
Kundalini, I saw a Reiki practitioner hoping she could help quell my sexual
energy. During the session I felt energy rushes up my spine and began
shaking on the table. This had happened to me before, on falling asleep,
but I had always attributed it to my body/mind detoxing and thought of it as
a fun side-effect of an otherwise hellish psychological state. I began to
notice that a certain quality of energy would build up whenever I was
irrationally afraid, on the verge of betraying myself, or when I found
myself face-to-face with some difficult truth I needed to
face/process/realize. I'd cry, scream, sing, dance, exercise or pray to
work off the energy and eventually accepted the feeling as a deep and
connected form of intuition. Reading about Kundalini, put much of this into
perspective.
So, these days I am beginning to accept that there are differing names for
similar experiences. Much of my experience in the past two years falls
firmly into the PTSD camp and much in the Kundalini camp and I don't think
such nebulous processes as spiritual/psychological breakthrough and growth
need be firmly defined. I am grateful that I happen to live in a time/place
where one has access to experienced, open-minded psychotherapists as well as
internet information about spiritual awakening and kundalini. I definitely
needed therapy first, to get to the point where recognizing and
understanding Kundalini could be helpful to me. These days, I'm seeking
support in the kundalini realm as I am beginning a yoga practice and am
slightly apprehensive ... I feel more sexually energized after yoga, but
don't really want to return to that dark place. On the other hand, I feel
mentally cleaned up enough to experience any unexpected energy rushes in a
positive way these days and it doesn't make sense to hold myself back.
This is a long message that will be at least interesting to some of you.
Thanks to everyone for this list. I am glad I came upon it.
One more note - Sean's message prompted me to post. Since January, I've
been telling a few friends (serious wine drinkers) that a single glass in
the evening will knock me out for the following day. I've always been a
light drinker, but now I feel like I have to recuperate in a major way to
recover from consuming any alcohol. What he wrote was yet another
revelation from the kundalini pages that has broadened my view of the last
two years. Interesting, interesting.
Be well.
Lynea
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