To: K-list
Recieved: 2002/12/04 20:50
Subject: [K-list] Speaking of Jesus
From: Shellelr
On 2002/12/04 20:50, Shellelr posted thus to the K-list:
In a message dated 12/4/2002 3:18:59 AM Eastern Standard Time,
K-list writes:
> Jesus was in
> a way in the world, but not exactly of the world, yet from what I
> understand he also led a life that was both Divine and yet based in
> the heart as far as some were concerned.
I am reading a book by Marcus Borg called _Meeting Jesus Again for the First
Time_. It is interesting to me on many levels, especially as a person trying
to deprogram from Christianity. We weren't even regular churchgoers when I
was a kid, and still I managed to suck up all the guilt and fear and
self-loathing that was pushed at me.
Anyway, this guy Borg is a Jesus Seminar scholar who had mystical experiences
in his 30s that opened him up to Divine reality and gave him a new
perspective on Jesus that was very different from the Christianity he grew up
with.
The story he tells in the book of his transformed understanding puts me in
mind of something that happened to me. The spiritual part of my K experience
really got going a couple of years ago with something I dreamed coming true
in a really funny way, which sent me into a week or so of bliss before I got
frightened and started freaking out.
During that bliss time I tried to tell my committed church-goer sister-in-law
that something extraordinary was happening to me. I remember saying to her
at some point that I knew that God was really real, and that I knew what
Jesus must have felt like. I wasn't comparing myself to Jesus, I was saying
that I had this understanding, as I imagined he did, that "God" is actually
real, and is love, and is here now among us, and in every single thing, and
not some beastly old far away judge. And you would not have believed how her
face changed in that moment, from someone politely trying to understand her
blathering sister-in-law, to absolute barely controlled sneering derision.
It hurts me now to think about it. I watched her judge me and turn off to me
completely and almost violently. I saw immediately that she was not getting
my meaning even remotely. What I meant and what she heard and became offended
by were very different things. I immediately tried to figure out a way to
make what I'd said somehow less offensive to her. I fumbled around with
something like "I can't explain it clearly," and changed the subject. And a
short time later she asked me in a very hostile and derisive tone, "What
makes you think I don't feel exactly what you're feeling?" And there was
nothing to do but say, "Nothing!," while thinking "My God, you would be
someone entirely different, if you understood what I am talking about."
I have known this woman for 20 years, since she was 9 years old. She is very
competitive and a control freak, but I love her. And her hostile and
uncomprehending reaction, this experience of profound rejection and
separation from a family member I'd previously been close to made me realize
how very, very different and separate I was becoming from everything I'd
previously known and been. I felt like I was freakishly different and never
to be "normal" again. This realization sent me into quite a fear and anxiety
spiral that ended the bliss state. I spent the the next three days with
tears running down my face constantly, clinging to my very patient husband
and begging him not to leave me alone. I had terrifying dreams and a
micro-moment of no-self, followed by a long period of fear cycles and lots of
physical k activity. It really stirred up a hornet's nest, in many ways.
Anyway. I think of Marcus Borg, Oxford Jesus scholar, writing a book for his
colleagues and all the indoctrinated world to see that describes Jesus as an
enlightened human, but still holy, and he admits that he came to this new
understanding through personal mystical experience. He's smart enough not to
alienate people by directly saying he thinks he knows how Jesus felt, but I
bet it took a lot of guts to put a challenging new perspective out there. I
haven't finished the book yet, but so far I recommend it.
love to all,
Shelle
http://www.kundalini-gateway.org
http://www.domin8rex.com/serpent/spirit/kindex.htm
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