To: K-list
Recieved: 2002/12/01 16:01
Subject: [K-list] navigating duality and mutuality
From: LK
On 2002/12/01 16:01, LK posted thus to the K-list:
Hi everyone!
I had this impulse to share with the list a tangled friendship surrendur
problem that no matter what i do (or don't do), i can't seem to find a good
direction or resolve. I am not sure what i am being asked to do here,
perhaps there is no one asking, only what is, but that leaves me even more
at a loss, since i can't imagine this never shifting in some way to
something more manageable for me...though i have tried surrenduring to that
possibility too.
Anyways, i have surrendured it (and to it) every day for several years now,
and i am still in the same place with it, so i thought maybe i should get
some intersubjective perspectives.
i am beyond attracted to my best friend (yes, it is one of those sob
stories), for five years now, i love her alot, we have weathered alot
together, i have never had a friend like her before, but she is dating
someone else and i wouldn't say that she is in the same head/body/life space
as me even though i know she loves and admires me very much
the problem is that each time we draw closer as friends, which we both
crave, and things start feeling really awesome, i am so overwhelmed with
love and attraction that i get my hopes up or interpret it differently than
she does and of course am repetitively disappointed and hurt since she is
not exactly going to the same place in herself, and then i feel like i have
to stop being friends with her because it is too much for me to be intimate
with her at the level that we actually are intimate and hold back my
impulses to express it physically or desire to be her girlfriend
but i can't stop being friends with her. i have tried that route, it feels
like a crime against the dao, we both feel awful about it, it doesn't get
better in time, the friendship is so much of a gift that it would be the
greatest tragedy if i couldn't just amend my responses or be able to at
least sit in them without any hope of them being reciprocated in order to be
able to functionally handle what it stirs up in me.
i am pretty adept at alot of emotional holding and honesty, but i have to
say, i am human, this situation has got me beat
this is made more complicated by the fact that she doesn't tell me no, that
it is never going to happen, that she absolutely doesn't feel that way about
me, she has consented that it is ok that i have erotic thoughts about her,
it just doesn't mean she wants to go there right now, and perhaps it is not
her first impulse toward me.
this makes me want to eradicate my attraction to her, first out of respect
for where she's at, second because i don't want to go around hoping it will
ever happen cause that is bad for my now, third because i don't want to
pressure her into something she doesn't want out of fear she will lose me as
a friend because i can't navigate my attraction, forth because i am trying
to match what is happening in so-called reality instead of living a fantasy,
fifth because it is really uncomfortable to be like this, blah blah blah
eradicating it hasn't worked. even just numbing it down hasn't worked. is
this my failure?
i guess i am wondering what i am not surrenduring to here, and why, if i
have surrendured it thousands of times, it does not shift to something more
peaceful or humane for me internally or externally, in fact our friendship
gets more loving which drives me even crazier, and then i am perpetually on
the edge of relational chaos since i alternate between running away and
staying, and neither way i go feels functional for me or the friendship
does anyone have any wisdom?
i feel totally inept at this point
kindly,
laura
http://www.kundalini-gateway.org
http://www.domin8rex.com/serpent/spirit/kindex.htm
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