To: K-list
Recieved: 2002/10/31 09:11
Subject: [K-list] About Mystress' Reply to me
From: HSV & AAL
On 2002/10/31 09:11, HSV & AAL posted thus to the K-list:
Dearest Mystress (even though you're on hiatus):
Very insightful and beautiful. I actually understand some
things more-so now than I did before your most recent post,
such as the "There is no <belief/attachment>" concept. I
don't believe I understand it fully, and probably won't for
quite a while, but I think I understand it enough now to no
longer fear it. Thank you.
As for all the other things I want to say.. well.. they're
still flying around inside my head like all the objects in
Carol-Anne's room in the movie "Poltergeist". So, until I
can catch some of them and examine them a little better, I
think I'm going to hold off on my reply. [add-in after I
finished writing this post: Every time I intend to write
something short, I end up writing a damn novel! *giggle*]
Hey, Mom, are you proud of me? I am. See, one thing you
didn't mention about me, Mystress, is my deathly fear of
humiliation. Well, I suppose the line about me wanting
approval and caring too much about what others think of me
sorta touches on that topic. However, it's more complicated
than that. See, I don't give a flying fart what others
think of my hair or make-up or clothes or beliefs or speech.
However, I -DO- care about people laughing at me or my
actions, or shaking their head at me or my actions, because
of something stupid I did. Like when I shoot my mouth off
before thinking things through carefully enough and then
am pointed out as being wrong. Also, I have a VERY VERY
hard time saying I'm sorry... especially after being so
emphatic about something, then finding out I was wrong.
Why do I have that attachment? I truly don't know. I do
remember my ex-husband, when we were still dating, doing
something hurtful to me... I ran off, but stayed outside
because I really didn't feel I had anywhere to go. When I
turned and looked across the street at the apartment bldg
where he was, he was standing outside on a patio with his
stripper friend, and she and he were pointing at me and
laughing. But I don't know if it stems from that particular
situation and others that followed, or if I had it from
earlier in life.
Why do I hold onto that attachment? Ego/Pride and Insecurity
I imagine. See, I don't mind being wrong. I just don't want
to be wrong and then feel laughed at or ridiculed because of
it. But it's an illusion.. or delusion.. for me to play the
victim, right? Goddess knows how hard it is for me to admit
that. I thought I'd discovered that trap a long time ago and
disarmed it. It was extremely hard for me to hear it the
first time, too. That wonderful friend of mine from college,
she was the one who first pointed it out to me. I would sit
around and talk about the horrible things my husband had done
to me... woe is me. Don't get me wrong.. it was a very, very
traumatic 8 years for me... and I still carry attachments
from it, whether I want to admit it or not.
But she said that I give away my power when I put him in
charge that way. Saying "He did this to me" and "He makes
me feel this way." was a way of saying, basically, that I
was slave to him and had no control over my own actions and
feelings. But that wasn't the case. I made all the choices
myself. Talk about some anger that came out from hearing her
say those things to me. I wasn't a victim of verbal,
physical and emotional abuse?? No, he'd never gotten me down
and beaten me like some women experience, but still according
to all the "experts" out there, I had been abused. For her
to tell me I hadn't been was unthinkable and infuriating. But
because I hate to be blatantly wrong, I took it with me and
thought about it... and realized that she was correct. I
had -HAD- other choices. They were unthinkable choices to
me, difficult ones, but I had to hold and own the responsi-
bility for the choices I had made.
I did a lot of growing and learning during that year and half.
I looked at myself deeply, or so I thought. I learned who I
was and what I believed in... but not on any truly deep
level. Still, I looked at myself enough to change from the
naive child that I was. I had always worried about getting
into that same cycle that so many women fall into... going
from one abusive relationship to another. I found out that
the secret to not doing that is to change yourself from
within. Once you change, your likes and dislikes change,
along with a lot of other things. That's what allowed me
to make this great choice of a lifetime partner. I actually
was facing two paths.. two men. One was very "cute" and
sweet and mostly cute. He was a good kid, but we really
didn't have a lot in common. Alan, my Beloved, wasn't very
"cute" as we're taught to think of as physical beauty. And
I almost passed him up because of it. I must have my DB to
thank that I didn't pass, and I am in his debt for it.
Back to the subject of victim-hood, I thought I had learned
my lesson in that area. I had become very independent. I
was happy with who I had become. I was strong, capable,
able to look at life in a more objective way, didn't go too
far over each side of the fence with my emotions and
decisions, didn't get offended by most things. I felt more
balanced and happy. I had decided that my meter for
choosing a love was too high, but I was not going to lower
it, so I was going to be alone for the rest of my life. I
had come to accept it and be quite content with it. Really,
I felt no sadness or regret.
But as soon as I let a man into my heart in a romantic way,
all that old neediness and dependency came flooding back
from the door I'd hidden it behind. Still, I was strong
enough to end that relationship because it was unhealthy
for me. He was possessive and overly-needy... I felt very
smothered. He was kind, but also a "crier" and was hard to
talk to. Being truthful has always been hard for me when
it comes to other people because I'm afraid of hurting them
or of them being angry with me. But I had trained myself
to be honest anyway... and I was always honest with him,
but it was very emotionally draining since I had to push
past the fact that he was bawling tears in my ear on the
phone. It was an internet relationship. I lived in GA and
he lived in Kansas City, MO and neither of us had any plans
of moving. He said that he had no problem with having a
long-term, long-distance relationship that's devoid of any
physical love. I told him I could not do that. And with
me dealing with losing my job on my son's birthday, being
in deep depression because of it, and my son's reaction to
it was to mirror it, I could not deal with a relationship
that just wasn't going to last anyway. So, as hard as it
was for me, I ended it. Still, the flood-gates had been
opened. From that moment onward, I started to disentegrate,
to lose myself.
Then I found Alan... another online romance which almost
never happened. Now we've been living together in Maine
for over 5 years and we're still very happy. I was, as
usual, euphoric for a few months because of new love. I
still stayed way above the waters of depression for about
a year or so. Then I felt it begin to tug at me, but I
was always able to lean on Alan and get through it. See,
I found out that I had someone who would love me no matter
what... and that allowed me to be myself, no matter what.
Well, I love to eat.. I love sweets.. and I'm not very
motivated to exercise. I didn't need to do anything to
keep him impressed. I opened myself up fully to him,
showed him my vulnerable side, found that the love he gave
me was warm and inviting... and so I let myself go and gave
in to the most unhealthy parts of me. I gave him someone
to take care of and love and dote on, and then took advant-
age of that to the point that it was no longer a choice..
it became an actual need. No matter how much he loves me,
he's an enabler. I've gotta somehow find the strength to
stand up again, but a part of me doesn't want to. It's too
easy to stay down here.
The fish-hook that snagged me and yanked me down below the
murky waters of depression was the loss of a very very
close internet D/s relationship. He'd asked me before,
"Mistress, what happens when this boy finds a girlfriend?".
I told him that he would be allowed to move on and we
would have to go from Mistress/slave, to just friends. I
expected the transition would be gradual, that he would
start telling me along the way. But he didn't. He always
was afraid of hurting someone's feelings, but then he ends
up hurting them anyway. It causes him great sadness. But
he ended it suddenly one day, and since the lifestyle is
consensual, I could only say goodbye and thank him for the
gift he'd given to Me. I was never a very good Mistress.
I made a lot of mistakes. But he asked, and he needed me,
so I obliged him.... for two years. Then it suddenly
ended, right after his second trip from Minneapolis to see
me. It was the catalyst needed to trip me and hurtle me
back into those oh-so-familiar waters of darkness. I've
been there ever since. But I don't blame him.. well, not
too much. But I let myself get too attached, and I
shouldn't have. Nobody is at fault but me.
So it is... I see that the paths are different. Even the
paths that lead to the discovery of K in the first place.
My path seems to involve me throwing myself clumsily in
front of you all, making an ass out of myself for a while,
then breaking down into a blubbering mess under all these
watchful eyes. Talk about humbling. And it rips my pride
to shreds. I hate it. But my head (most likely my DB)
tells me that I need this.. and I agree with it/him.
Ugh, to play the victim. I never thought I'd do that again.
I just knew I was wiser than that. I suppose that was my
mistake... my arrogance. People respond to the victim, and
as my Mom used to tell me when I was a kid, I'm very good
at the manipulation game. And here I was in all this time
wondering how my son got so good at it. It always comes
full circle, doesn't it?
Thank you to those who have been patient enough to read
through this long babbling session. (hey, look, i'm fish-
ing for love again... but doing it consciously at least
*tickle*).
Mystress, you've reached through time and space to snatch
my eyes open, with part of me kicking and screaming all the
way. But even if I'm never motivated in physical tasks, if
I never exercise or strive to go out and get a job, I can
at least be honest with myself, learn myself, and find what
there is to be found. I can at least do that much. I hope
that you feel my love and that my DB, whoever he may be,
will bring these tears of gratitude to you. *kisses you
softly on the cheek*
In hopes of serving Goddess,
Ollamh Druidh Anjalena,
Goddess of Nature and Love;
Cambeie,
Lover of all animals;
and Holly,
Proud daughter of a wise Mother who taught her
to question.
(and a little bit of ^slurpy, my subbie, who mostly
either stays quiet, or either I haven't figured out
how to separate her words from my own yet.)
http://www.kundalini-gateway.org
http://www.domin8rex.com/serpent/spirit/kindex.htm
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