To: K-list
Recieved: 2002/08/07 12:00
Subject: [K-list] paranoia poll results
From: Druout
On 2002/08/07 12:00, Druout posted thus to the K-list:
>Have you experienced K induced paranoia?
>How did you resolve it?
A short definition of paranoia
1 : a psychosis characterized by systematized delusions of persecution or
grandeur usually without hallucinations.
Results for Kenneth's Saviour poll to follow shortly
Dear List,
Twenty people responded to the poll. The experiences of paranoia ranged from
simple, unspecified fear, to the feelings of being watched, and finally to
complex hallucinations with elaborate plots of conspiracies and persecutions.
Ten people spoke of the more complex form of paranoia, and five spoke of
unspecified fear or fear of being watched.
Two list members made comments only,
Three people said they did not experience paranoia.
There were a number of suggestions for "resolving" paranoia
Time seemed the most frequently mentioned "cure." Some comments: "It
resolves itself over time." "The episode just has to pass and disappear." "I
make a vow to myself not to act on the paranoia till at least 6 hours after I
think the storm has passed.or waiting it out and not acting on it." "I
learned... to not take any action or say anything until I was perfectly
balanced inside."
Others used rational processes such as reality checks, or realizing that
whatever one looked for one would find, or recognition that the "tiger has no
teeth" or the realization that fearing the dark side is wasted misery and
pain. One person followed the maxim "take nothing personally"
Others suggested forms of surrender: "Not to fight it...let it happen."
"Accepting fear." "We should not be afraid of going mad."
Still others suggested a physical approach--more calcium in the diet or
breathing and physical excercise.
**********
The Posts:
**********
Some of what Nash experienced was so close to what my second K energization,
I couldn't believe it. I didn't hallucinate like he did, but the paranoia
made me see "real" people in a completely different light. I was constantly
terrified that there was a conspiracy against me....not just the Russians
were looking for me, but EVERYONE was looking for me; trying to catch me in a moment of responding to energies that it seemed that only I was aware of so
they could haul me off to the psyche ward.
It seemed to me like people were peices on a great quantum chessboard and
that we were manipulated by divine players in huge groups as easily as a
human chessplayer moves a single piece. I could step out of this control if
I wanted to, but when I did it made me look insane to others.
*********
Oh yes, indeedy.
How did you resolve it?
Resolve it? LOL! Endure it, more accurate. Lots of reality
checking when safe to do so, e.g., honey, are you weird or is it me?! When
it is intense, I try to sit very, very quietly, observing the turmoil, and I
make a vow to myself not to act on the paranoia till at least 6 hours after I
think the storm has passed.
*********
A big YES to your paranoia poll.
My K thingy happened 7 years ago, with no preparation. It was spontaneous,
and I didn't have a clue about what was happening, except that it was
magical and wonder-full. But as wonderful as it was, it did lead to
paranoia. It was interesting, because I was aware all along that this
paranoia would be interpreted as mental illness by any professional, along
with many of my other "symptoms", yet the paranoia at the time was so easy
to fall into...
When my experiences first started happening, I thought that it was either
something totally magical, or that it was insanity, or maybe both. So,
determined to hold onto my rationality, I started a notebook which I called
my "evidence" notebook, to prove to myself that everything was "real". And
cripes, did I ever compile the "evidence"! - so many awesome syncronicities,
siddhis, guidance, physical changes, etc. But I also started compiling
"evidence" of many paranoic occurences. And like the "good" evidence, the
paranoid evidence spiralled and grew to become all-inclusive. One event led
to another, to another, until it seemed my whole life tied into one grand
plot. (kind of hard to convey)
Some examples of my "evidence" compilation which led to paranoia:
Letters (snail-mail) arrived in my mail daily from 4 people in Rhode Island,
Los Angeles, Nederlands, and Massachusettes who I did not know. These four
people somehow "found" me and informed me that I was destined to be part of
some new messiah entity. These letters were real, and I still have them.
There were 3 men, and one woman. They seemed to know things about my life
that they couldn't know.
I was contacted out of the blue by a group from Stanford and requested to
participate in a remote viewing experiment. My assignment was to go to
Mansk and check on the activities of a nuclear site, specifically to look
for any type of accident.
I heard electronic "beeps" throughout my house, and on my phone. I saw
strange vehicles out front...
During this intense period of K, I was also experiencing regular OBE's.
This all lasted approx. 7 months. The synchronicities occured at such
astounding rates, along with very rapid manifesting of thought, that it was
very very easy to fall into a messiah/persecution syndrome. I even gathered
my family and loved ones together at one point to tell them good-bye, as
rationally as I could, as I fully expected that I would mysteriously be
"abducted" by some mysterious higher entity, be it government, or alien, or
whoever. ?? I think they believed me, as my "evidence" was real.
Anyway, how did this all end for me? I think it started to fully dawn on me
that I was writing the script. My "knowing" "Ah-Ha" was that we do indeed
create our own reality, and my K activation was somehow manifesting my
internal thoughts and emotions into external physical events at an alarming
rate! And this was a lesson in itself, as this realization showed me how we
ALL do this ALL the time anyway. It was really a very powerful and freeing
lesson, this idea of total responsibility, yet total freedom for my own
creations on this plane.
I remember the thought hitting me, at the peak of my paranoia,
"Why, you're all a Pack of Playing Cards!"... and I laughed, and laughed,
and said and thought this over and over... It all became like a Huge Cosmic
Joke to me! And after this everything kind of mellowed out, and faded
slowly back to normalcy.
Strange tale, huh? Ya know, I could still slide back into that paranoia I
think, if I focused on that stuff. But I simply choose not to. :-)
*********
Absolutely! I thought too much! And I was reading books at the time that
totally gave me a wacky spin. My paranoia came from coincidences, thinking
too much, about myself and others, and also physical symptoms.
How did you resolve it?
I realized that whenever I look for something..I find it. I look for
something to be wrong..And I will find it...I look for something wonderful..I
will find it. A lot of it ran dry after I stopped thinking so much. I just
told my self, 'No..Life isn't like that'. I began to understand that I was
confused! That I was having a hard time understanding what was going on...And
we tend to fear what we don't understand..we all know that.
*******
Oooooweeeee. In 1996 paranoia didn't even begin to describe my state of
mind.
K had energized POWERFULLY for the second time and I was certain everyone I
knew was in a conspiracy against me. The police were looking for me and so
was the FBI.
LOL
Yeah right.
I dealt with the police aspect back storming into the police station downtown
and demanding to know if they were looking for me. They were not. No
warrants. I knew this consciously but I could not convince my subconscious
that is wasn't true. Same thing with the FBI; I went to their office and
asked if they were looking for me. They weren't either. After that the
conspiracy among my freinds eventually fell apart on its own....with a little
help from my psychologist. I was GLAD that was over.
Still laughing about that one
********
I was paranoid as a child and it got worse on K awakening. Probably reached
it's climax in late teens/early twenties. It mainly manifested in the form
of acute self consciouness, thinking people were staring at me everywhere I
went, imagining the worst outcome of all possible situations etc.
> How did you resolve it?
I don't get it at all now. Seemed partially to have resolved itself
gradually over the years and experiences - but the last chunks got cleared
out during the course of my last two breakdowns/psychological clear outs.
**********
Hello all! paranoia is my middle name anymore especially when it comes to the
physical symptoms and all the emotional stuff Im either terrified of dying or
worried Im going crazy so yes I am paranoid hehehe. As far as resolving it
who knows when I figure out how to you will be the first to know.
**********
we're all going crazy with you
so at least you can be
at peace
knowing
you can never be alone.
As for figuring it out,
know one has...
Chaos is not as unorchestrated
as you think.
There's an intelligence
beneath it all
and it transcends thinking...
Peace
*********
...yeah iam scared im going to die too!. I only had about 3 hours
sleep in 2 nights my body feels like its going to be destroyed out of pure
exhaustion, yet im still not even sleepy. And when im not sitting in bed
doing nothing, im having crazy visions/out of body experiences so iam kinda
in hell. How are you doing? I know in one of your previous emails you stated
how you were going through some tough times and could not sleep for a few
nights too. Did you get through that and can you sleep now? Or is it the
same?
*******
I never, I had ...moments of fear of thinking something/someone ???? was
after me or so.
No problem with that aspect of K.
************
Have you experienced K induced paranoia?
WHO SAID THAT!?
Oh... No I can't say I've gotten any paranoia. In fact my understanding and
pleasantness is the best its been in a while.
I rarely mame small children for their lunch money anymore.
How did you resolve it?
More calcium. Really that stuff is great. You can buy tums in bulk at
costco.
*********
well, i really can't sort out the reason
for the various paranoia-experiences
i had in my life, but if i try to do so,
most of them were related to drug abuse
and not to Kundalini.....
What i label as "my K-experiences"
is much more connected with Love, Happiness,
a profound positive shift, a deep experience
of Oneness, shelter and compassion than
all that other stuff.
The difficult thing for me was,
that all this happened at the same time
between 1978-1985, so i often have mixed impressions
about it:
Were these Synchonicities real or mere projections ?
All that conspiracy stuff in any way related to K ?
And this Astral-Guru ? And this tiny little black-red Devil
who was so nasty ? Mhm,mhm,mhm, i still have no clue... but:
From all th recapitulation of experiences and states of that time
there slowly crystallize some pearls and more and more
sand and stones have been washed away...or maybe i'm just gettin'
older, mama?
********
I have experienced paranoia at times. Extreme paranoia at times, thinking
every machine like answering machine/phone/computer etc. is full of material
to listen in on me. People are parading outside of my window to control me
etc.
I can't get out of this thinking when I am in it like this. The episode just
has to pass and disappear and it takes away my paranoia.
**********
I've always been paranoid, though more so in the last decade or so. LOL I
have not resolved it. I Follow one of Don Migeul's 4 agreements to put it
asside.
That would be, 'take nothing personally.'
It mostly works. Unless the Mayan was really really good. LOL
*********
oh yes!
>How did you resolve it?
it's been off and on allot lately. i try to do something physical, breath
deeply to allow the energy to flow, do not give into the fear it causes, and
imagine light and love inside my body while drawing my consciousness to the
center till i regain my sense of happiness again.
*********
I don't know if you would call it paranoia but I get severe panic attacks and
anxiety, and at times cannot leave the house or drive. This has been going on
for a couple years. Oddly enough, it's eased up a bit in the last month or
so, but for a while I really went thru hell with it.
********
this time, so far I have "baby sit" 2 people that have went through a
"QUICK" awakening...
1 person... We ...
were online with him in a chat program, and he was typing
like mad-listing his sensations, aches, feelings, and so forth... We were
there offering IMMEDIATE feedback/support for him...
he wanted to go jump out the 3rd floor window-we convinced him it would be
better if he did "this" instead (every situation is different) Everything
he had happen, we got him through it...
the second person (more recently) took about 10 days...so, that was taken
care of by a LOT of again, on line chat, and checking emails 4-5 times a
day... again, listening to what was "happening" with them, and telling them
what to try to do to assist that particular problem...
Did each of them have paranoia? yep...did they both get through it? yep...
but in both cases, they were told, to not fight it...let it happen, but
BOTH had support people that had been through it before...
***********
... I suspect that everyone who experiences K
experiences paranoia to a degree. Comes from the heightened time-space
sensitivity. I used to get pretty spooked, when I couldn't tell what was
setting off my alarms, so to speak.
The worst part was that the "spider sense" was on 24/7, and often got pretty
loud. Time's fluid with K, and the damn thing could be going off regarding
something in the future or something my conscious mind missed in the past.
Darkness. Silence. Alone in the house at 2 in the morning with my K set off
like Neal Peart in my head doing a drum solo. That's what it felt like. It
felt like being tickled from the inside out, and no way to know why or to
shut
it off. Then it was like spiders on my skin, needle pricks and every
sensation
building.
Of course, the mind fills in the gaps, interprets, rationalizes. From
memories,
past scripts, beliefs, projections....
Yeah. Paranoia. Unreasonable fear. Who ever said K was reasonable.
But what is fear, ultimately? And, in the end, what do we fear? Can all
fear
be traced to pain? I'm not an authority on this topic...we have a number of
much more learned psychologists in our midst. My personal take on fear is
that
it involves 3 root impulses:
- Fear of physical pain, e.g. being beaten or maimed or succumbing
to disease.
- Fear of emotional pain, e.g. one's sense of familiarity or universal
order shattered.
- Fear of death, or more specifically fear of meaninglessness.
Fear can be associated with the ego (as in fear of being wrong, fear of
insignificance, fear of failure), and it can be associated with deeper
physical
and survival impulses. And in K people, I imagine fear gets amplified many
times over because of our acute sensitivity.
The way I have seen people conquer fear is in recognizing that the tiger of
fear
has no teeth in a context bigger than 4 dimensions. Easy to say, hard to
live.
In my own experience, I banish fear with openness, meditation on the heart,
and
perspective. While it does not remove all fear, it does keep the volume
down.
PS- And, worth mentioning....courage is living your highest truth, even when
fear comes to visit. So, all you K-lites out there, give yourselves a pat on
the back. In my mind, you are very courageous people.
********
I never experienced k-related full-blown paranoia. Depression, regret, doubt,
yes. Never paranoia.
I learned... to not take any action or say anything until I was perfectly
balanced inside. I can't confirm whether this was a k-related lesson, or a
life lesson. In the end I guess, they're all the same -
********
... for many years i have been having some extremely
twisted compulsions ...at some
point, a friend did a reiki session on me and told me some of the
dark visions he had seen within me. at which point I become extremely
upset b/c i did not want to share these visions with others. A few
days after the session i was lying in bed with my boyfriend when i
started trancing out and having all of these visions. They led me
through a series of childhood memories which ended with a vision of
me being confined in a tree being sexually controlled by some shadowy
being. At another time when i was meditating i saw a vision of a
spirit hanging out in a red plane, sitting on a flying carpet in mid-
air. He had curly dark blond hair and a wicked lascivious expression.
I believed this spirit to be my tormentor and blamed the dark
thoughts I'd been having on this creature.
For a long time i was obsessed with the idea that this person was my
spiritual enemy, that the was the reason i was abused as a child and he was
the one who
caused me to develop rhematoid arthritis when i was six. I couldn't
stop thinking about him and started to have vivid lucid dreams or
nightime obes in which he'd appear. In the dreams he would force me
to experience these dark visions while telling me to give into them,
that it was what i really wanted and craved. I was terrified!! I
asked the goddess how i would defeat this entity and all i got was
the gifu rune, which symbolizes love. For years I was looking over my
shoulder, wondering when this demon would get me.
I finally got fed up with living in fear and decided he didn't really exist
and that i
was just experiencing some weird kind of shock left over from
childhood. Anyhow, I took up meditating earlier this year and once
again I had a vision of this being! At first I freaked out, but he
was smiling and saying hello. Remembering the gifu rune< I tried to
at least give the spirit a chance to say something. I started talking
to him and he told me he didn't want to hurt me, but that he'd been
trying to get my attention for some time.
Apparently, spiritual desperation was the only thing that got me to sit down
long enough to meditate and communicate with him. He said he was sorry to
cause me
such grief, but that i was too lazy and that the only way I'd move
towards enlightenment was through sheer desperation and terror. I
still have *crazy* thoughts, and I'm never really sure if they're
mine or what i pick up through enpathy. My new spirit guide/divine
beloved/shadow tells me they are all about having compassion with
those who are *evil and sick*. Also, some of them are mine but that's
ok!
... I guess i just wanted to say
that the extreme paranoia I experienced was completely unnessecary!
That fearing the dark side of myself was wasted misery and pain. I
still do have some guilt and shame still kicking around, but I have
made it far enough to know this is necessary and will pass
eventually. Not enlightened enough to bless the guilt tho! Still
pushing through it.
<snip>
I guess we have nothing to fear but fear itself. Accepting the fear
and object of the fear as valid and of some meaning has helped me
tremendously.
Writing this is doing some powerful stuff with my third chakra at the
spine. ...
********
I've had a recent relationship with ...paranoia... tied in with a book on the
subject that I read at the weekend:
G.K.Chesterton, "The Man who was Thursday".
A Man is enlisted as a Secret philosophical policemen, who's job it
is to stop those thought crimes of the anarchists of whom they
believe are a secret society plotting to take over the world with
disorder. ... Full of imagery and
symbol's of symbolism that I havn't a clue with.
To go on. To go on with some thoughts that have also been occuping
me, and to which I could only give them shape a day or so ago.
It had occured to me that I had two choices in respect
of "Enlightenment". It was either, thought I, the accumulation of
history's friuts coming foward in an ego which would inevitably pass
away, the friuts of which are us.
Either..or, it was the manifestation of some other foundation that
is mediated through the particular epoch it's situated in while
retaining the aspect of One, Being, etc. Thus one would be able to
find the answers to the same questions thousands of years into the
past(Plato, Heraclitus, Nagarjunia and so on). History would have
made, no progress, and the modern condition was not the result of
some prolonged experiment with language, but perhaps a forgetting, or
a mediation with the eternal.
It dosn't seem as good a distintion as at first, but perhaps between
a temporal or eternal conception. Now while I was thinking this I
walked into a book shop and picked up a book called "The
Philosopher's Secret Fire", ...This
book professed to be revealing the "golden chain", of thinkers that
had existed throughout the ages and had acted as a secret society
inasmuch as you couldn't understand the message they were writing
unless you were of the same mind as them, for it is not as though you
symbolise and sign/signifier to understand. One must cease to "think"
and become a part of the stream, so that a work on the secret society
necessarily became part of the cannon, as does someone who
understands.
But is this, I thought, Either ..or? What does it mean, what does
it mean?
I know the answer now, I think, but I am unable to uderstand it.
Perhaps because I am now using my ego, I don't know. But the answer
seems to be the Third dimension, or Depth. What do I mean? I'm not
sure. but whether the Third dimension refers to this specific
problem, as indeed it might, or whether it is the answer to any,
Either...or question(Deleuze), I don't know.
Depth.
...
There is a difference between madness and insanity, my little book
told me. Madness is the free play of the imagination with ITSELF, and
insanity is imagination palying with things other than itself, things
which "really exist", like ego. Eternity. We should not be afraid of
going mad, for it is only this fear that could possibly drive us
insane.
i've not talked to any deamons myself, as of yet.
Patience/Anticipation
**********
I've already sent my "yes" to the poll but it is occurring to me that a big
factor in k-paranoia is that the experience of divinity includes an
increasing sense of meaningfulness. In bliss states everything is connected
and everything has meaning. Meaningfulness seems to be an attribute of
Goddess.
*********
End Thanks everyone!
Love, Hillary
Original question:
Dear List,
Paranoia seems a pretty common aspect of awakening. I think because we lose
our filters, everything becomes part and parcel of us--no separation. There
is no "me" to be fearful--a heavenly rest. Then as we "come down" our ego
safety valve jumps in and our brain tries to make sense of what has occurred
and uses all sorts of metaphors to rationalize what has happened. At this
point all sorts of thoughts can occur. If we hear the mermaid sing (or
someone on TV speak), she *must* be singing to us because we hear her.
Wonderful sublime music! But then we start to worry why she might be singing to us! lol
Shall we do a poll on paranoia?
Have you experienced K induced paranoia?
How did you resolve it?
http://www.kundalini-gateway.org
http://www.domin8rex.com/serpent/spirit/kindex.htm
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