To: K-list
Recieved: 2002/07/24 16:51
Subject: [K-list] Fear of Living... was: Fear of Dying
From: lavinaleone

When I read the subject line "Fear of Dying" the words played
themselves out in a mental debate. I had not thought I feared death.
Nor did I think I feared life. But listening to this banter in my
head makes me wonder if I have even a clue about either life or death.
I have managed somehow to get very sick, mentally and physically
repeatedly as a child and as an adult. I have, IMO, been able to
pinpoint some conviencing reasons for my having taken on these
illnesses. (I think it is very possible that illness is self-
inflicted and self-healed) I find myself wondering which I am more
afraid of, considering the number of illnesses I have had if perhaps
it is living that I am most afraid of. But then, on the other hand, I
have devoted an enormous amount of time and effort to healing these
illnesses too. The simple solution would be to just stop getting
sick, but I never know I am going to. The realization that I have
made myself sick only strikes when I am in the throws of an illness.
Then in desparation I am able to trace it backwards to the point of
desparation where I made myself sick to begin with.

I don't have any deep realization coming from this line of thought,
at least not yet anyway. I am accually perplexed by this. It seems on
the one hand to be counter-productive but on the other hand it seems
to be productive too. Almost as if I have set about to prove to
myself a belief about illness and healing.

I feel like a ping-pong ball, but I look like a golf ball : 0
Lavina

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