To: K-list
Recieved: 2002/07/15 16:22
Subject: Re: [K-list] mental "illness": non-irritating approaches
From: Mystress Angelique Serpent
On 2002/07/15 16:22, Mystress Angelique Serpent posted thus to the K-list:
At 11:59 AM 15/07/02, Laura wrote:
>Hi folks,
>
>I am still working through certain personal ramifications of Mystress' post
>on El Collie, as well as my previous psychedelic emergency that i posted
>about a couple of weeks ago.
Thank you for sharing your process and experiences in that post. Sorry
I did not respond, it seemed to need none but I am glad you shared!
>fifthly, perhaps the nature of the surrendured human duality consciousness
>is to experience both the light and the dark, non-duality holding duality
>together, and these episodes are not episodes at all but honest unfiltered
>emotion releasing itself from the pig pen of its unsociability when the pen
>gets too full, like a tornado or volcano cleaning itself and me of
>negativity releasing me into peace, the aftermath (guess i am all fire and
>air, the poet's disease)
YES! Usual disclaimer applies, I am not a shrink...
Jose is also bipolar, and some months ago she shared a dream which
seemed to me to be a perfect illustration/metaphor for the bipolar process:
I started writing a response to her, then realized she needed none,
having already a perfect understanding of her process... although, as she
is in hospital again, perhaps I was mistaken... I'll finish it and share it
with you.
( Kate, will you forward it to Jose, please? .. if you think it will be
safe for her to read. I would not want to trigger another manic episode. )
At 02:30 PM 26/05/02, José H wrote:
>Just before my last crisis, I met with a friend of my husband, who is
>bipolar, like myself. In some ways it was as a sudden mirror (in many
>others not)
>- what I came up with, after meeting him was this expression: the
>source/well is closed.
>
>I started writing a fairytale, on a child coming to a country where
>everybody has his or her own well, you get one when you arrive, but you
>are supposed to build a small wall around it for protection and a small
>roof over it. This child forgets and starts learning and mingling right
>away - everybody is invited to use his well, but then dirt and leaves etc.
>start to fall in and it gets clogged up untill it bursts like a geysir.
>
>Anyway, I am not a good fictionwriter so it didn't really get finished. It
>did start another manic episode.
I am not surprised. It is an excellent metaphor for what happens to
you. To me too, but my expression comes out differently because I am ADD
not bipolar.
The well is your inner connection to source. Most people build a wall
around it... they call it an ego, or a sense of self. What Jose really
wants, her bliss and true hearts desires. Jose, Goddess wants to experience
being you, in your perfect uniqueness.
You are very generous with your love, you try to please everyone and
you do not have much sense of your own boundaries. I have spoken before of
how sending love and light to people can mean you get karma back. This is
the same as the dream. The child gives the water of life away freely, and
gets back stuff in return, debris that plugs the well. People come for
water, and kick dirt in because there is no wall to protect it. No boundary.
When the dirt from other people builds up enough that it cuts you off
from source, (depression) and then there is a big explosion to get the well
clean again... (manic episode) like you having to go to hospital. Manic
comes out and starts throwing dynamite into the well to blast you clean of
attachments so you can be soverign in yourself again. That part of you is
like an inner perimiter guard.
It is a metaphor for what happens to your energy, what is the bipolar
cycle. No wall around your well, so manic has to come get it clean when it
plugs. Manic is the body running on desperation. Fighting for its life to
get the well clear again. Trying to get you to a place of safety. All that
fear mud and dirt that got into your well, erupting in a geyser as the
blocked energy blows the stuff out of you.
Was it because you had taken in too much debris into your well,
society's expectations of motherhood? People projecting onto you how you
have to be to be a good mother? You have no wall around your well, to keep
that stuff from getting in. To know what kind of mother Jose wants to be...
All that stuff, Jose gets lost in it and then the manic comes out to
defend her. There is a geyser of energy, and any thought you attach to has
so much power behind it, it creates a world... it can become a temporary
psychosis. The intense energy release of the mania does what it takes to
break all ties, committments and projected expectations that are blocking
your well, so your life energy can flow again...
Unfortunately, the explosion also makes some chaos that leads to the
start of the next depressive cycle. You feel you cannot trust yourself
because there is this part of you that does crazy things. This part of you
that is manic, it loves you. It is trying to protect you, trying to save
its own life too because when your life energy is a blocked well, your
health is not likely to be good.
...............................................................end of old post.
I have something similar, ADD reactivity... what is it called,
resistance reflex or something. Part of my episode in January came of doing
some research on this aspect of my persona. Easier to share it now, because
it seems to have mostly passed. Blessed be!!
At that time, in a private post to one of my slaves, I wrote:
>It is called Resistance reflex disorder. In extremes they call it
>oppositional defiance disorder, and either way it means "crazy." It is a
>common aspect of ADD. I know I have mentioned it to you dozens of times,
>and I even have some pet names for it, like "berserker." Because of it, I
>surround myself with submissive people who think it is dominance and enjoy it.
>
> They are also less likely to trigger it, and quicker to lie down flat,
> when they do, so that Alpha wolf will not have to kill them. Submissive
> instincts make it safe to be around me. Am I really Dominant, or just
> insane but good at coping? Some days I do wonder. Perhaps there is no
> difference, maybe all Doms are ADD...
>
> I have ideas like rule #1 and #2 so that it will not get triggered...
> and I also have rule #3 so that the people who love me will SUPPORT me by
> standing up for their own truth when I am possessed by my insanity.
>
> POSSESSED! When it kicks in, I am its hostage. Berserker is in
> control and it has to win. Dominance is not a game, to the berserker.. it
> is life and death. It does not think of the consequences, does not feel
> pain or battle wounds but only of the need to win and take back
> power. It reacts to any effort by anyone to control me, with the
> sensitivity that I use in my work, and it can be dangerous.
In other posts in other years, I have compared it to a trapped wolf
chewing its own leg off, to escape. It comes when I am trapped in a
projection, or I have taken on karma from someone that they will not
surrender. The wolf can chew its own leg off because the pain from the trap
has created enough endorphins so the wolf's teeth crunching its own bones
is blissful. It does not feel the pain till later, when it is back in the
den realizing it is short one leg...
The archives are full of Alpha wolf with the Zen stick beating the
karma out of people so I can be Free of it. Tough love, and often powerful
healing but very hard on the vessel. Their stuff is tangled in my and I
have to clear it from us both, to get free... when it is gentle, it is the
work I do... abandoning myself to be Goddess for people, give them what
they need. No sense of self at all. Just a reflection of Goddess within them.
Big scary Dom B*tch goddess image... a sheep in wolf's clothes,
disguised to keep the predators away, so they will not realize I am the
most sensitive and vulnerable person...
> At the least, it is frustrating because it eats up energy and
> friendships over stupid arguments. It is vulnerable to anybody who wants
> to play "wind her up and watch her go" like that asshole who was
> impersonating me... even if I do not allow them the satisfaction of
> seeing my fury and loss of control.
>
> It made me a difficult child and gave me a difficult childhood. Empathy
> has it tuned to a fine trigger.
>
> When I write that one has to be in control of oneself before trying to
> control someone else, it is a lie, because I am not in control of this.
> If I try to control it, it blows up worse. What I resist, persists... It
> is a weakness... a dysfunctional social behavior pattern that my image is
> set up to camoflage... and accentuate the positive aspects of, but it
> still traps me in stupid places. Like how I reacted to my stalkers, or
> to any detractor, any threat or criticism... so much un-neccessary drama.
> I am so tired of it, I rearranged my whole life to cope with this because
> I could not make it go away. I just want peace, and I have found peace in
> a universe where it goes away...
>
> It is just so useless. I KNOW that surrender and vulnerability are
> true strength and power, but that part of me has no comprehension of the
> concept and is totally set up as an automatic self defense mechanism. I
> would like to think I have finally learned how to shut it off! I do not
> know yet, whether I can sustain it, or whether without an outlet it will
> erupt elsewhere.
><private stuff snipped>
> Alpha wolf is not paranoid.. the joke is, it is not paranoia if they
> really are after you... but he is reactive to normal human social
> interactions of control, manipulation, energy vampirism, to a degree that
> is insane. If you think it is hard to deal with him you have no idea how
> hard it is to be him. If I move to the Unity Universe, he does not
> exist... and neither do ideas of slavery and ownership. He does not own me.
>
> A middle path comes to mind... I have taken a game and evolved it into
> an esoteric form of tantra and healing.. and maybe I need to reset my
> agreement about what "slavery" means to me... owning people's karma and
> all that. Go back to playing ordinary D/s games like most people play...
> but I dunno what that means. I do not know what is normal or ordinary...
>
> Please read this web page, which explains the pattern you are calling
> "slightly neurotic attachment to needing to be right". At the moment I
> seem to be attached to persuading you I am insane. Perhaps so you will
> not give me responsibilities. Whatever, it is an odd experience to be a
> passenger aboard berserker...
> http://www.scatteredminds.com/ch20.htm
>
> That is the funny thing, even if I realize I have lost control to it
> again, it does not mean I can change the feelings or reaction. It has a
> mind of its own, and it takes me over. Sometimes I can find out what it
> is really protecting, and find another way that is win/win. Defuse the
> critter.
Shamanism and the Berserker... Officially I date my Shamanic
initiation from my meeting Chacmool, but truthfully I was born to it. Some
days I still wonder if it is a gift or insanity. Gift of insanity?
When my mother told me the light under the earth was not real at age 2,
I knew it had to be real, or I did not want to be alive. Instead I decided
the light within the Earth, the vast love which told me I was It's child
was my real mother and my birth mother was a stranger... I never forgot
where I came from, so my third eye never closed, and I used to watch the
golden glow to fall asleep in my crib as a tiny child. Later the glow
turned into op-art kaliedescope patterns like fireworks... similar to the
patterns of Australian aboriginal paintings of animals of the
dreamtime. The op art patterns are the portal to the dreamtime, and my
nightmare monster the portal guardian. I was killed by this giant shadow
being over and over, in my dreams until I learned to approach it with
unconditional love... the only safety. I'd wake from these dreams but
waking was no comfort, it did not stop the experience. Every shadow was a
monster, even staring at a blank wall made the microdots form into images
of skulls and monsters. Scrying fear. Probably entities and spooks for
miles around coming to feed on the emotional energy of the terrified child
with the open third eye. Parents were tired of being woken to soothe my
night terrors, they told me it was only a dream but it could not be because
it did not stop when I woke... So I was on my own. A tiny child trying to
cope with a process that has been known to kill adults, or drive them insane.
The dreams got worse when I learned to approach it in love because the
next part of the Shamanic process was to become the Portal Guardian... a
reflection of fear magnified. Instead of being destroyed, I became the
destroyer, passenger in its beingness, with no voice to warn those I
destroyed to focus on love and be safe. No control.
At that point, I was old enough to have learned to say my prayers at
night. I prayed for "no bad dreams" and it worked so I kept doing it till
the dreams stopped.
Now I know that all it did was interrupt the Shamanic training, push
it underground till Chac jump started it again decades later. My childhood
was full of people reacting abusively to me for no reason... driving me to
screaming temper tantrums that have no soundtrack in my memories. A symptom
of clinical detachment like people experience in major trauma like bad car
accidents. Now I understand that on some level, I was still portal
guardian, still reflecting their fear.
The webpage http://www.scatteredminds.com/ch20.htm defines the cause of
oppositional defiance... big insight for me. I quote:
>The child's oppositionality is not an expression of will. What it denotes
>is the absence of will which--as with Steven's abandonment of music--only
>allows a person to react, but not to act from a Free and conscious process
>of decision making.
>
>Counterwill is an automatic resistance put up by a human being with an
>incompletely developed sense of self, a reflexive and unthinking going
>against the will of the other. It is a natural but immature resistance
>arising from the fear of being controlled. Counterwill arises in anyone
>who has not yet developed a mature and conscious will of their own.
>Although it can remain active throughout life, normally it makes its most
>dramatic appearance during the toddler phase, and again in adolescence. In
>many people, and in the vast majority of children with ADD, it becomes
>entrenched as an ever-present force and may remain powerfully active well
>into adulthood. It immensely complicates personal relationships, school
>performance, and job or career success.
>
>Counterwill has many manifestations. The parent of a child with attention
>deficit disorder will be familiar with them. Most obviously, it is
>expressed in verbal resistance, the "no's", the "I don't have to's", the "
>can't make me's", in the constant arguing and countering whatever the
>parent proposes, in the ubiquitous "you are not the boss of me's". Like a
>psychological immune system, counterwill functions to keep out anything
>that does not originate within the child herself.
And obviously, for an empathic sensitive, any projection can set it
off... other folks stuff blocking my connection to source. In Jan most of
it became healed because one huge archtypal aspect of my persona got bored
with me, and my attachment to peace and fucked off... left me, went
visiting people without me. I did not know she was not me, till she left..
but her departure gave me the chance to surrender everything and grow a
new, whole self, from within.
Peace at last... the disorder is not completely gone, it erupted at a
restaurant recently because my order for eggs was not filled as I
desired... but so much more gently, and I was able to extricate myself
fairly easily. Understanding has also made coping easier... for example,
these days I rarely read Christopher W.'s posts, because I decline to deal
with his "good intention" projections of his worldview.
It is also assisted by an affirmation:
"I resolve to use only my own energy, especially in a social situation."
No projections, no empathic feedback... peace in myself.
It goes together with another: "I reset my four fields to their proper
size and shape".
Empaths tend to pull in their energy fields unconsciously, crunch them
down to be non intrusive, like a rabbit hiding under a bush. The
affirmation gives a feeling of light expansiveness. It will replace the
pink bubble at the end of the grounding exercise, when I have time to
update the page.
To me it appears that oppositionality and mania come of the same
source... the inner shadow erupting to clear karma and projections that are
not-self. Berserker.
>sixthly, since women are more likely to be affected with this than men, and
>it is cyclical, circadian, lunar, or seasonal or some other natural rhythm,
>perhaps it is once again an inherent experience in being human, and some of
>us are just stormier than others depending on how our cycles rhythm of
>oppression and release were formed through our younger years
Feminine is receptivity... the opened well with dirt thrown in. For
me, PMS is a positive time. Crap I have been too patient with gets a dose
of impatience, and then it is gone. It balances. However, I know not to
post to the list then... the ancient feminine practice of turning inward
and using it as a time for meditation, energy clearing along with the womb
cleansing itself works better than spewing at people.
One of my Tribe is ADD and bipolar. I will refer to him as A.
I used to do ego death rituals, back in... 1988? Before I decided the
results were too dangerous and unpredictable. People who have just been
through ego death are as impressionable as baby ducklings. When a duck
(goose, etc.) first hatches it latches onto the first "big thing" it sees
as "mother" and will follow it thereafter, until mating drives of adulthood
take over. Whether it is a dog, a person, whatever... thus the story of the
"ugly duckling" Swan hatched by a duck thought it was a duck, till it
became suicidal and met a swan.
The north American natives did an ego death ritual as a rite of
passage into adulthood. Thus, they were all enlightened. One with nature,
"All my relations". The child ego, necessary for socializing the youngster
was killed in ritual, followed by the recipient spending 3 days alone on
visionquest, till the unconscious and nature supplied a vision of their
adult name and sense of self. The new sense of self came from within. I
believe much of the trauma of natives comes of growing a european ego...
Perhaps someday when I have the facilities to provide that kind of
isolation afterwards, I will do ego death rituals again... they are
amazingly powerful healing!! ... but for now... no.
I did the rituals from a state of surrender, following guidance so no
harm came of my experimentations, only some odd but harmless effects... but
these mysteries are how a shell shocked German boy became Hitler, the
German messiah whose charisma made grown men weep, and sent an entire
country on a path of genocide and war. Masonic rituals of the German Aryan
supremacist illuminati deliberately created Hitler. Their figurehead.
It was death penalty for an initiate to speak of the Elysian mysteries
to a non-initiate, and that is why. Extremely dangerous magic. Similarly,
those who received the ego death initiation from me, are not allowed to
speak of it, and I do not disclose the mysteries either. I speak about the
effects, I talk aound the ritual without revealing the ritual itself. The
potential for mis-use, accidental or deliberate brainwashing is just too
great.
As a side note... I believe this same duckling effect is why some who
go into the light via NDE have such a hard time finding their way back,
compared to those who get there by a spiritual path. On their return, they
"duckling" on worried relatives and doctors. As another side note...
despite what I told David about having died a few years ago, I have done
the ego death on myself about 4 times since then... whenever I observed I
had grown one that was becoming ineffective.
I worked with a multiple who was an NDE as a child... karmic
projections formed into "alters" ego personas specific to each person they
reflect, created as a defensive mechanism.
Ended up taking on what she would not surrender, crashed badly. Had to
break off all contact to get free. Drove her away cruelly, like a mother
cat who uses claws to drive off her kittens, when it is time they were on
their own. He would not hear gently worded requests to let me be.
I still sometimes get a post traumatic stress response to her name.
Recently, someone who has both our email addresses in their address book,
and was infected with klez virus... klez sent a post to her old address in
my name, it bounced back to me and I had the reaction again... a moment of
catatonic deer-in-headlights shock. Scars. Glad the post bounced, tho...
better that, than she receive a virus post and think it is me reconnecting.
I cannot...
Anyhow... I did the ritual with A., back then... and responding to his
experience of it, (which closely resembled the human evolutionary process
from movie 2001; a Space Odyssey, with the final image of fetus in the
starry void) I wrote, "You are a child of the universe!"... and for the
year following, he was the cosmic child, signed all his posts "child" and
could not be persuaded I had not meant to name him that.
He functioned fine in the adult world, as an adult but his ego was the
cosmic child. I see perfection in it, now... he had a harsh childhood and
I think it was Goddess will for him to re-evolve his inner child in this
way... but it freaked me out at the time. A big ooops that led to me giving
up doing the ritual. I have done it once, since then... someone whom K. had
already put through ego death, but an ego splinter was left behind, giving
great pain and suicidal tendencies. Sending the splinter into the light,
gave her peace.
I gave up trying to persuade him, realizing it was better not to give
it too much attention. As an odd side effect of my High Priestess
initiation, such accidental projections last for a year and a day. (I was
initiated high Priestess a week after my own self created ego death and was
Cleopatra for a year. Weird having my inner self appear different from my
physical self, but I did not think much of it till she was gone... such is
the nature of ego. Cleopatra was too small a vessel for my energy, so it
was a strange year...) With the others, I got their guidance to provide a
name, usually it chose a Divine archetype to be the band-aid ego during the
year they spent learning to be egoless. Much safer.
After a year and a day, he "woke up" and realized he is not just a
child, but also a man, a warrior, a lover... However, during that year he
was not at all bipolar. He was in a state of ascension, blissful
detachment. When the "child" persona faded, he took on the projection of
who his wife and child wanted him to be and spent a year in hell, and I
could not reach him to pull him out again.
He is now finding balance in himself... balance that I believe will
last, because the process has given him so many insights into the nature of
his consciousness. He is staying grounded, not attaching to anything and
being true to himself. That seems to keep him Free of the bipolar cycle. He
is on the list, and may choose to reveal himself and share his perspectives
on the process.
>what i am looking for: i would like to read any alternative, feminist,
>k-based, or non-western theories or explanations of chronic mental illness,
>personal stories, what folks have done to manage it or even heal it, any
>success stories???
:)
>(or are you just in a manic phase and think your healed
>until next week rolls around hahahaha),
Oy!
I have an ego that thinks it is not an ego... ?? How can I know? I
cannot, so why worry? So long as I am not genocidal like Hitler... these
days I feel wonderfully human, more than at any time in my life, before...
yet..
My parents are taking the whole family on a cruise to Alaska to
celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. Nice idea, but I am dreading it.
Being trapped in a boat with my family projecting who they want me to be is
too likely to cause Alpha wolf to erupt destructive... like how Asa
described being with her family. I have spent the last 6 months focused on
clearing myself of family stuff, hoping I can be true to myself and remain
detached for that week. Enjoy the cruise ship trip without ending up
beating my family over the head with the bones of the skeletons in the
family closet. Scary.
Projection #1 is that my parents are doing this as a gift for us... but
really, it is for themselves. The only way they could get the whole family,
children, spouses and grandchildren together for a whole week. Knowing my
family is also afraid I will "act out" and disrupt the trip does not help.
>any experiential wisdom, warnings,
>book lists, non-drug approaches, alterna-consciousness explanations (what is
>really going on here? is it karma related? is karma a bunch of bullshit and
>just another narrative? is there a use for the storm?), is the faith true or
>the crisis in faith or neither?
Well, this is what I see... incomplete sense of self leads to weak
boundaries leads to karma and projections blocking the flow from source,
and Alpha wolf berserker mania comes forth to blow up the blockages and set
you free.
The cure? Get clear on who you are and what you want... even if it
means growing a new ego. Serve Goddess within yourself and have none before
her. Energy hygiene and respecting your own boundaries. Clear the well
every day, every moment, as a discipline. Practice detachment and
surrender, then there is no need for mania dynamite to blast it clean.
There are some schools of thought that believe Schizophrenia and
Kundalini are the same thing: an old, ineffective ego being gradually
dismantled and replaced with a new, healthy one. I do not wholly agree,
because there are effects of K. that do not appear with schizophrenia...
but certainly there are similarities.
I also observe that in cases where the soul has been lost or hidden
-protected, the sense of self is missing. The soul is the core identity,
and it carries the purpose of incarnating. There are many ways to do a soul
retrieval, the simplest being to pray for Goddess to Free the soul and put
it back where it belongs.
hope this is helpful.. it is all I know. Comments welcomed. Be gentle...
Blessings...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Shaman, Psychic, Empath, Healer www.fire-serpent.org/healing/
Fire Serpent Tantra www.fire-serpent.com
Kundalini Gateway www.Kundalini-gateway.org
Kundalini info www.domin8rex.com/serpent/spirit/kindex.htm
Personal website www.domin8rex.com
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