To: K-list
Recieved: 2002/07/09 21:20
Subject: Re: [K-list] Psychic Pain
From: Laura
On 2002/07/09 21:20, Laura posted thus to the K-list:
>Mystress Angelique Serpent wrote:
> No anal-ysis please, I am just expressing...
no analysis, but this deep melancholy holding of space for your authentic
expression
i feel moved to share with you and the list in return, some personal
thoughts and stories on self-destruction, the seeds of which i am still
occassionally unplanting and witnessing, trying to understand it myself,
heal it, gain ground and wisdom, hold myself up, knowing there is no road
map but myself, appreciating those like Angelique and my best friend who
have offered their hand when i was falling and i took it, crying now out of
great love and joy and a little grief for their help and sheltering (which
for me was their loving unconditional acceptance, all that i needed) and for
the chance to share my life and love and support in return
i love you Angelique and affirm that you are no one's savior but even more
magnificent you are a human that teaches herself and others how to love, or
that is what i see in you
most of this feels healed now (thank God-dess) but the stories still are
interesting, kindof dramatic for my current being which now has the rare
priviledge and freedom to create peace in her life, but perhaps honest
sharing will touch others who battle with toxic shame and self-destruction
i did not always want to die, it began in late high school when living at
home felt like a prison where i had to hide my face with false emotion to
protect myself and do what i was told while consciously betraying myself,
the details of which i no longer try to recount else i latch on to the wrong
current, or perhaps it began the moment i was squinting at my father because
i could not see his face in broad summer daylight through the black shadow
covering it and thought: was something wrong with my eyes?? later i was told
that he was suicidal and depressed for years and my mom was trying to keep
him alive
all by herself
perhaps i inherited it, perhaps he did too, my brother certainly did,
calling me talking about shooting his brains out and me or my sister there
holding his feet to the ground, numbing alcohol and antidepressents...
i thought he was being selfish and masogynistic with his chronic depression
lasting for years, my mom picking up his dirty socks and cleaning up after
him, mine was more cyclical, epileptic, out of character, independent,
private, i would not reach out or tell anyone since i judged it as selfish
and did not want to share my true face with my family (still don't i guess,
little steps), they could not help with this anyway
our madness, a scorpion's tail lashing itself to death
this strange priviledge of feverish cyclical insanity constantly holds me in
compassion for the fragility of life and the intricate delicacy of
consciousness...though i don't need it attacking me to know, i never needed
it, i just need my heart and senses, time to let go of trauma
the urge to kill myself was not constant, i generally felt passion,
strength, beauty, music. it often would arise slowly, stalk me, and bring me
to my knees in a feverish sobbing fits of inability to deal, tornados, two
deep thrashes in my unconscious which i have recently found in the flesh of
my vulva, manifest unhealed trauma, wounds to my primal instinct to support
myself, to be loved and to love, to touch, the root of life, sex always
hurt like ripping myself while my partners blamed me (himself) for not being
able to orgasm so i started faking it, falsifying my face, flashing
rememberance of breaking my collar bone at age 3 (unable to adapt?), back to
the womb, i was drugged into life and cut out of my mom's belly, day and
night, my two-faced gemininian truth, my hips were rotated too far inward
squeezing my privates, would i be able to walk?? is there something wrong
with me?? my face was wrong, no one could love it, i couldn't show it so how
could they.
a fit or fever, starting with the occasional detached image of some form of
bodily mutilation, being impaled on sharp metal objects, and then building
and crescendoing until i am screaming in a bad trip of myself trying to hold
on from ending it
other times it was not an attack, but just a deep longing to reunify with
God-dess and return to Nothingness. i had to learn that i could go there
without killing myself even in the most traumatic situations.
certainly there were triggers, deep chronic solitude, lack of touch, no one
to call, no one would know if i died, abandonment, inability to feel anger,
falling in love with the wrong people (is love ever wrong?), not feeling
seen or reflected by anyone
in the Power of Now, Tolle wrote:
“As long as you are unable to access the power of Now, every emotional pain
you experience leaves behind a residue of pain that lives in you…This, of
course, includes the pain you suffered as a child, caused by the
unconsciousness of the world into which you were born. This accumulated
pain is a negative energy field that occupies your body and mind. If you
look on it as an invisible entity in its own right, you are getting quite
close to the truth…It has two modes of being: dormant and active…Some pain
bodies are obnoxious but relatively harmless…Others are vicious and
destructive monsters, true demons. Some are physically violent; many more
are emotionally violent…Some pain-bodies drive their hosts to suicide…it can
only survive if it gets you to unconsciously identify with it. It can then
rise up, take you over, “become you” and live through you…when it has taken
you over, will create a situation in your life that reflects back its own
energy frequency for it to feed on…The pain-body which is the dark shadow
cast by the ego, is actually afraid of the light of your consciousness. It
is afraid of being found out…”
i searched out my pain body when my best friend's lover started destroying
herself with heroine and i went hunting for it. I wrote in a short
autobiography: "I was staring addiction, decay, malnourishment,
internalized anger, and suicidal toxic shame in the face and I saw myself
looking back." Ironically, this changed me, helped me heal, brought me to
self-awareness and empowerment, opened the door to accept myself. I only
feel regret that my friend's partner did not (yet i pray) experience the
same healing from her addiction.
There is only one tool that GRACE has instilled in me to transcend my
scorpion's tail: disidentification. ok, maybe two tools: DISIDENTIFICATION
and SELFLOVE. I have to remind myself in my normal stable happy times to
practice selflove constantly and to verbally remember it so that the grip of
psychic attack has nothing to hold onto even when i am weakened and gives up
the battle.
this was effort at first
now it is sortof second nature
i still wrestle with God-dess about certain realities of the universe that
seem unfair: like those who are in great suffering are often ignorant (and i
don't mean that in any belittling sort of way) of their own power and so
they are condemned to suffer?? basic lack of information or blindness. the
blind don't mean to lack vision, they just don't have vision, they were
created that way, i was created that way, i did not know i had to heal
myself from trauma or that not everyone struggled with trying not to kill
themselves, now that i do i am empowered, but i might not have ever learned
it if it weren't for Grace
Grace is the only explanation i can come up with, and i don't know what i
mean by that word
i just feel damn lucky to be alive
wherever you are El Collie, I love you and pray that you are at peace
resting in the loving arms of the beauty that you are, and whatever your
journey is, you are not alone
love,
laura
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