To: K-list
Recieved: 2002/03/29 19:25
Subject: Re: [K-list] Love
From: Soitpp
On 2002/03/29 19:25, Soitpp posted thus to the K-list:
In a message dated 3/29/02 9:09:01 AM Mountain Standard Time,
K-list writes:
> . I keep having this nagging realization that I need to leave my husband and
> it breaks my heart because as I pull away and try on possibility, he
> attempts to do more and more to accomodate me.
it was the same for me,.. I felt I was merely doing my girlfriend a
disservice by putting her in a situation where she herself could do nothing
but try to change herself to accomodate me, which I would say is not what she
wanted, but again, me opening my big mouth only caused her to try and try
harder to change herself
> I still feel however that I can't grow in the ways I need to when he is
> energetically clutching at me.
that's the biggest part, that's the part that will not do.
I cannot accomodate her energetic clutching needs, .. I simply cannot be what
I am not.. my silence eventually broke us apart.. in the end I didn't have to
say anything.. she knew "it was over".. to her it had to seem, like only one
thing.. "she wasn't good enough" and me.. I simply had to shut my mouth. The
more I said the more chaos I would cause. If I tried to tell her she was good
enough, then why didn't I want to be with her, the way she wanted me to? But
it's over now. I can accept that and move on. And learning lessons myself. I
put up a fight to the very end. In the end my worse fear was that I was doing
the wrong thing. After the same issues of clutching occured I could see
clearly that I could not be pigeon holed into the role she needed for a fair
relationship and still be truthful to my spiritual path. Our break up in the
end came without any words, .. I merely stopped re acting to her needs for
clutching,.. and after having been through the same cycle so many times.. she
let go.. and it was over.
> . I feel like since I have been with him I have shut myself down to a lot of
> that. I also feel like I have been waiting for him to catch up to me. (I
> don't mean this in an arrogant way. He feels it too. I am quite a bit
> younger then him and was born into the world with awarenesses that he has
> waited forty years to recieve.) I tend to move faster then him and I am
> open and ready for more then he is willing to play with. I feel unsatisfied
> with his inability to meet me where I am.
>
I know that feeling.
> I wonder about the love of Kali (a destroyer and creator goddess) and feel
> like somehow I have agreed to play this role in our union. However, I am so
> reluctant to let go. I feel two faced waiting for the right time for me to
> let go while he feels me withdraw.
> I feel two faced telling him that I love him when I am thinking of what I
> will do when I leave. The truth is that I do love him with all my heart. I
> guess love just isn't looking the way I planned.
> Aaargh, what a journey.
Guess we're in the same boat. You tried to tell me Isis but I wasn't ready to
listen until it happened to me. Until it was truly over. I'll always love
her. She is so precious to me as a person. But she doesn't understand that
kind of perspective quite yet. Perhaps I will see her again if our paths
cross. I believe they will.
Peace,
~Aaron
http://www.kundalini-gateway.org
http://www.domin8rex.com/serpent/spirit/kindex.htm
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