To: K-list
Recieved: 2002/02/24 11:50
Subject: [K-list] "Past "and present
From: isis robins-shaw
On 2002/02/24 11:50, isis robins-shaw posted thus to the K-list:
Dear List,
Last night my husband and I were talking and he mentioned the name of his ex-wife. Over a course of 5 or so years they were husband and wife, then lovers and best friends, and then house mates, lovers and best friends, before they finally went their seperate ways. This was over 5 years ago and is by no means an interference in our relationship. However, I have intense past life connections with this woman and they are past lives that my husband was involved in. In these lives I was "betrayed" by the both of them and she took him away from me without acknowledging me or my feelings.
I have never met her in her present form, but gosh darn it, every time he even mentions her I go spiralling into this well of hatred, victimhood, jealousy and darkness. I have tried several ways of working with this. (I don't think of myself as a jealous person!) I've tried to just let it go. I've tried seeing the gift in the experiences. I've talked and journaled about it. It won't let up. I know that in a way I am holding onto the experience. Like my childhood, once again I am in a situation that only I am conscious of and I am feeling betrayed without the acknowledgement that my feelings are valid or even that they exist. My husband wants to help but he can not tune in to those past lives and I feel like he is irritated by my trigger.
Last night when he mentioned her name I attempted to just be with it, feel into it and let it go. Instead I broke out in hives all over my legs and partially over my back. I have never broken out in hives like this and I momentarilly freaked out thinking that they were bug bites covering almost every bit of skin. We then sat and I had kriyas (shaking) until I was so worn out that I had to go to sleep. (We also had a fire and I sat in front of the fire as a way to cleanse my emotions but I didn't feel like that helped.)
I woke up this morning with my heart hurting (don't worry, I'm 21 and I know I don't have a medical heart problem) and congestion in my chest, and throat. I thought about the metaphor of my legs being the things that primarily had the hives. My husband thought it had to do with a hinderance of what moves me through life. That feels true.
I know that in every experience, especially the reoccuring ones, there is a gift and a reflection. It is interesting to me that I am having to feel into a role I have fought to avoid...the victim. I am sure there are lives and experiences where I have consciously or uncosciously betrayed someone. However, I am having a hell of a time with this and feel at my wits end. On an emotional and physical level I feel betrayed by my husband for something that was a wonderful teaching and learning experience for him- his relationship with his ex-wife. I also feel very alone in my feelings because I am the only one in the scenario feeling into them. What can I do???????
Thank you so much,
Isis
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