To: K-list
Recieved: 2002/02/05 07:07
Subject: [K-list] S & M
From: Charles Portugal
On 2002/02/05 07:07, Charles Portugal posted thus to the K-list:
Thanks for your views.
I also read some of your website last night and a few things came up for me
regarding the S & M scene.
A few months ago a good friend who was quite involved in the scene here in
London invited me out to a an S & M club with him and his Dom girlfriend. He
wanted me to go to something quite tame for my first experience but I said
that if I was going to go, I didn't want a watered down version. He was
quite nervous as we had been good friends for quite a long time and I had
only recently discovered this very big part of his life (he was going to
clubs 3 or 4 times a week).
I believe (or believed) I was very open minded and was really looking
forward to going. I talked with Simon about what to wear and what to expect
and he explained that people were either Dominant, Submissive or just simply
Voyeurs. I wasn't sure which category I would fall into but was happy to
play the submissive for the night and go on his Dom's leash with him for a
laugh. So I wore black leather trousers, a leather harness and a studded dog
collar with a heavy metal leash. I think I really looked the part and Simon
was dressed exactly the same. His Dom was purring at the prospect of going
out with 2 good looking guys on the end of her leash for the night and I
just thought the whole thing was hysterical.
We arrived at the club and the first thing I noticed was the way everyone
was dressed. There were people in complete rubber body suits with only a zip
over their mouth and slits for their eyes; a guy in a tiny cage on a shelf
just being poked with a stick all night; women and men with just nipple
clamps on; transvestites as well as people just dressed up very glam and
very beautiful with gorgeous langerie etc. The music was pumping dark house
and there were screens on all of the walls playing hard core porn all night.
I was told to call my Dom "Mystress" all night and she explained the rules
to me which I was more than happy to obey and play along with. So for the
first hour I had a great time. I'm a great people watcher and here were a
bunch of people from all sorts of backgrounds dressed up, expressing
themselves and having a great time. I wasn't too sure about the man in the
cage but at this point I tried to stay neautral as I really wanted to have
the experience. So I played the part and by all accounts I could have been
nominated for an Oscar. I fetched drinks, I kissed her boots, I grovelled
and begged and even got strapped to the cross for a light whipping!
But as the evening wore on and everyone started getting into it my mood
changed. I began to recognise that the vast majority of the people there
were actually taking it very seriously. I had thought it was one big stage
show and we were the actors but I was wrong. One guy who was obsessed with
our Mystress spent 2 hours on his hands and knees so that she could sit down
on his back. When I leant down and asked him if he was enjoying himself, he
looked up at me with sparkling eyes and said "Oh Yes..... I'm having a great
time." He also told me that his biggest turn on would be to clean her
apartment...... no sex!
I have always been one of these people that can walk into a room and sense
the energy right away. And after a little while the energy in this room
started to bother me. I was getting a bit bored of the game, so I took the
collar off and went for a wander around. Once on my own I sat down and
absorbed what was going on around me to try and establish where I fit into
all of this. I discovered that the submissives seem to like either physical
pain, humiliation or both. As much as I couldnt understand it myself I still
stayed out of judgement as much as possible but something really didnt sit
right with me. After a while I recognised that the energy in the room was
that of low self esteem and lack of worthiness. Not from everyone but in
general. I saw it as a microcosm of the way the world is out there and I had
always made it my aim to assist people in increasing their self esteem and
self worth as much as I could. I feel that unless you love yourself you
can't love anyone else and this world could do with a little bit more
love...... in my opinion.
The final straw for me was seeing a middle aged man wearing nothing but
smart black shoes and a pool ball strapped in his mouth (a la Pulp Fiction)
harnessed to the wooden cross. His very beautiful young Dom first gave him a
huge snort of Amal Nitrate and then took 4 or 5 large strides back and in
front of a large audience ran at him and kicked him in the balls as hard as
she could. She then repaeted this for 5-10 minutes. I couldnt watch and when
I saw him 15 minutes later his skin had gone comlpletely grey and he looked
like he was dead with his eyes rolling in his head. But he was actually
begging for more. Excuse me please for being judgemental but I came to the
conclusion that this act lacked a little love and that the man (and the
woman) were seriously damaged. At the time I was really angry as I saw this
as symptomatic of the dark side of the world.
I do believe that good/bad right/wrong do not exist but in the mind. So
there was nothing wrong with the actions of the people that I saw there that
night and I know that EVERYTHING is just energy and what I witnessed was
energy manifest in a different form. It was the taste of the energy that I
had a problem with. Its vibration was dark and dense.
Three days later was the September 11th attacks in New York and Washington
and all of those feelings from the club came up again as I watched CNN.
My personal view is that there IS a meaning and a purpose to life. I believe
that we are all a spark of divinity making its way back to God-dess. Not
that we ever really left, we just forgot who we were. I have always been
"spiritual"... (pls excuse the lable) but I found through experence that my
relationship with the divine - my closeness to truth and my level of
vibration has always increased in line with my actions. Its not wrong to eat
meat, its not wrong to smoke cigarettes and its not wrong to kill other
human beings. The question is who are you and where do you want to be both
as individuals and as a collective? Do we want to live in fear? Do we want
to destroy our planet? Do we want to live longer lives in good health? Do we
want to feel?
We can gain a lot of pleasure with quick fixes. I've satisfied myself with
sex, drugs and fast food in the past but the pleasure is only short lived.
Its only ever a quick fix. Surely this tells us that the energy present in
these things is there to offer us the alternative so that we can recognise
the light - to provide a polarity. And of course it is all a part of
Divinity because everything is Divine. But is it taking us where we say we
want to go.
I want to understand and please show me where I'm repressed and where my
blockages are if you believe that is where my resistance to this subject
comes from because I really do want to grow.
Thanks for listening. Ilook forward to hearing anyones views.
With love
Charles
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