To: K-list
Recieved: 2002/01/02 19:06
Subject: [K-list] Re: suicide stuff
From: joyful
On 2002/01/02 19:06, joyful posted thus to the K-list:
Reading this last digest I guess I'm in an enviable
position. Today my DR told me that if I lose 5 more
pounds I'll die. He's not being dramatic either. I'm
fighting like hell just to help this body and recover
from my lung problem, but last night I calmly
surrendered to dying. I prayed to *God* to let me die.
Today God told me thru my DR how I can easily and
quietly live out that choice for myself: stop eating
the blessed amount of food I can cram into me in the 7
hours a day I'm out of bed and not panting, coughing,
spitting up or fighting nausea. I've always wanted to
die quietly and peacefully in my sleep. I guess I'm
right there if I choose it.
But, I still get up in the mornings and do what I need
to do, and go to my DRs appointments which make me
feel a little bit better each time. I don't know why I
keep going, but I do. I don't know why I try, but I AM
trying really hard. I think I'll be ok.
Last summer I spent some serious time researching
suicide on the web to see how I could painlessly and
~effectively~ commit suicide. The majority of suicides
are not succesful, and then you suffer {physically}
worse than before the attempt. Suicide is painfull and
hard to do physically, spiritually, emotionally and
mentally. I have tried before. There is a reason
suicide is so hard to do. There is a reason that
primal fear of dying kicks in. It's so that we will
keep living.
I also remeber the imperative of K is surrender of
everything. Which means surrendering your life and
your death too. Some of us {wave} :) just need to be
taught that a bit more harshly I think. ;) Am I gonna
stay physical? I'll do what I can to keep going, the
rest is in the hands of Goddess now.
lovejoy
Rebeckah
PS: I also find it so amusing that the people who
value something the most are the ones who are fighting
hardest for the simple pleasure of it. Spend a day
with a respiratory impaired patient and learn how
precious your *difficult and complex* life is. I'd be
thrilled if I could easily do my own laundry again.
And I'm not as bad off as some people in the world who
can't even wipe their own ass.
PPS: And why not just quit your job, break your lease,
sell everything you own and move to Hawaii first? If
you're gonna do it, die someplace wonderful. Not to be
flippant, but you can ALWAYS walk away from life's
problems {except for physical illness}. Pack what you
own into a car and MOVE.
You are at choice.
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