To: K-list
Recieved: 2001/11/05 06:57
Subject: Re: [K-list] scars and pictures
From: José H
On 2001/11/05 06:57, José H posted thus to the K-list:
Wow Susan, Steve, Dana,
.....that's really quite an issue, those scars.
Thank you for your personal story Susan!
It really started me reflecting on scars again. You had quite a share in
your life. Interesting what you write about scars reacting differently maybe
due to different emotional states.
I got so used to those scars - but I also got used to picking out flattering
pictures as well.
Makes me wonder whether I should not find myself a picture that clearly
shows the three stripes like a tiger's claw on the right side of my chin
(left on the picture) and put it out there (too)
I always thought of those scars as "just the packaging" as well, often
thinking towards others: you might see those scars on me but you have no
idea how much bigger the scars inside of me are. I use that sometimes as an
introduction to my groups, when I teach dancetherapy/bodywork courses. I
need to say something about it (you see it quite easily when I speak since
the nerves around my mouth were damaged) and if I don't, it starts to make
stories in peoples head and they are afraid to ask about it.
I tell people I have those scars, but they belong to me now - and we all do
have our scars, whether inside or outside.
Actually I am happy I am a dancer in my heart and have no ambitions for a
flute - career! - and my partner will have to blow up the balloons for our
child in the future. (and as for other kinds of blowing for those of you who
wonder - no problem)
Still the subject of physical scars is quite an issue in this world of
outside appearances. It makes me sad sometimes when that is all that people
see and they (wrongly) conclude that my beeing shy or keeping out of contact
with them is caused by a minoritycomplex because of those scars. Even met a
psychiatrist once who thought like this.
Those scars do tell a story, I can tell you mine:
In april 1984 my mother died suddenly and unforeseen, in bed, probably
because of a brainhemorrage. That was definitely the biggest trauma. It was
total shock for me.
After selling the house and all the arrangements, my ex-boyfriend and me
decided to take a holiday, so we took my mothers car, that I just inherited,
and went to former Yugoslavia in July 84.
We spent some time over there, had a lovely week at an island in front of
the coast - but I could not enjoy it really. I remember looking into the
water one day, thinking I wanted to die too and follow my mother.
Hardly one week later we were driving through the middle of Bosnia on our
way to "married-in" family of my ex-boyfriend. I was not paying any
attention, my ex was driving. He was in the middle of passing another car
when apparently the one that we were passing started to race a bit. A
tractor came right at us from the other side, my ex braked and tried to
steer away, but too late.
We weren't driving fast anymore when the two collided, but some part of the
tractor hit the front window of our car, and big bits of glass flew inside
while i turned away, cutting right through and taking a few teeth with them.
My ex had nothing (- but a guilt-complex afterwards)
I was thrown into another car by a passing Bosnian who saved my life that
way, since I lost half my blood. I was stitched up with oldfashioned
stitches by a very caring surgion in a local hospital who worked on it
apparantly for five hours. My heart stopped for a few seconds and I was
reanimated and received liters of blood.
(I used to joke I have Bosnian blood in my veins!)
Had some more surgery later on in Holland plus lots of fine new teeth.
I always felt the accident was closely connected to my mothers death:
driving in her car - me wanting to die and join her - I don't want to think
so bad about her that she might have helped my wish a bit from her
ghost-state - but it did cross my mind. And I have always felt I might have
had a big hand in it myself, radiating the energy to cause the accident. I
have tried to free my ex of his guilt-feelings by telling him so - but I
don't know if it worked - he lives in Kentucky now.
Sometimes I do feel those scars are the outer sign of this big trauma of the
sudden death of my mother and the whole story i am telling you now - but
that is too difficult to explain in most cases - not on this list luckily!
Love to all of you and all of the scars and their stories behind them,
Jose
> All,
>
> I uploaded a picture as well. It's a little old, but should do the trick.
> Re:scars, I have my share, being a cancer survivor and all. One of the
curious
> things about the body is its resillience in terms of function and its
utter lack of
> regard for its own packaging. Though I suppose the packaging issue is
more
> something the conscious mind is concerned with...
>
> But every scar tells a story, and every line, and the gray hairs or lack
thereof. I
> tell people "it's not the years, love...it's the mileage." One would
think by now
> each of us could write quite a book.
>
> Steve
>
>
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