To: K-list
Recieved: 2001/09/29 14:44
Subject: [K-list] My own enemy....
From: Unit1021
On 2001/09/29 14:44, Unit1021 posted thus to the K-list:
Hey all,
This is a rant about things I cant understand. But maybe you know
about this. I'm not in the best mood now.. Might want to skip
it...not very uplifting.....not at all...Its pretty depressing
really... I just dont know what to do anymore...
I dont understand about my control. There are people in the world
today that I can see. They control there friends, girlsfriends,
everyone. They dont feel like I do, horrable. There are bussiness
people who go out of there way to destroy other people's lives. But
they have there minds and can do what they want.
But here I am. Even with all the knowledge and understanding and
connections I have now. I cannot feel good about anything. And I am
out for the good of the planet and everyone on it. Its not like I
cant feel good, its everyone around me thats killing me, twisting my
thoughts. I am a crazy happy person if I'm on my own, or with people
I like.
I know to love myself...
I know to stop myself from sending out love to others around me...
I know to talk to Goddess....
I know to let people be themselves and not get caught up in there
thoughts
I know to give everything away...
I know to thank Goddess...
I know to surrender
I know to do a lot of things..
People's thoughts are still in my thoughts. I ask for it to be
taken away, I ask for them to be taken away. I ask for me to be taken
away.
But I cant get it to stop hurting me. I ask, I beg, I plead.
I am them, they are me. I will see a reflection of me. I am. I am
all of this.
I can feel them still. Making my heart and mind black and closed.
I ask for help. Nothing changes... And I dont know why.... I dont
understand how I cannot be helped. I just feel like I am to sensitive
for the physical world. And not understanding enough for the spirit
world to help me.
I'm an outcast on every single level there is. I ask every day, and
send things up all the time. I feel them go. I trust completely..
Nothing.. I trust the nothing... Nothing..
I cant beleive that I am supposed to die like this. I cannot believe
that this is what I am supposed to do. I KNOW what I am supposed to
do. Every time I try to do it... I get beat down by whatever... Every
time I start to feel good... Something terrible happens. When this
happens EVERY TIME you start not doing anything at all. You start not
to trust anything. I dont understand... I dont understand... This
cannot be my life's purpose, to hurt so much I want to die all the
time...
There is no mercy for me it seems. If only I could get a clear
message that I could understand.... And it doesnt help to spend a day
sending things away and feeling good just to return and have those
good feelings taken away from you again in under a minute. If you
only knew how that felt....
I dont understand how I'm not supposed to understand. If I sit here
and do nothing, I will surely go insane. I have in the past. If I go
out and learn about everything, make things happen, get into places,
then I'm controlling things and I'm doing something wrong... That
gets me nowhere or worse, where I am now... This is a bad thing to
think about.. go ahead and try it...
I surrender everything about me. But I am still here.
I wish I could be happy like all those other people who can talk to
angel's and they laugh a lot and have fun, and have a good life and
are not bothered by anything. Or even normal people. They have small
minds and wants, but they have fun and there lives are much much
supirior to mine. But here I am, I can talk to Goddess, the straight
source! I have healed a big part of me just by asking for it. I can
feel the energy rush through me. But it doesn't help me in the long
run. What I really need. Whatever that is... It doesnt come out for
me.
I am trapped between worlds. I wish that I could be accepted on one
of them at least... I have nowhere to go... And I'm so tired of being
alone, outside, misunderstood, looked on as different. Knowing your
different, and not being able to find someone as different as you. As
understanding. And even if you do, to hurt inside to do anything.
I've been getting back into poetry lately... Havn't done that in a
long long time... My poems used to be funney..... Look at the last
word in every sentance of the first stanza for a secret message....
Twisting, turning, burning, I
Straining, pulling, pushing, try
Smashing headfirst, into my
Barrier at its hardest.
Weighted, tethered, chained, me
Standing, straightening, raising free
Knocked, kicked, drowned in sea
Trying, using, this broken key.
Climbing, rising, bloody grope
Biting, knashing, I need of rope
Mistaken thoughts, I slip from slope
Tearing, slicing, where is hope?
Outcast by outcasts
Stormy seas, no masts
Forgotten words, uncast
Dine on nothing, no repast.
Dancing, spinning, others smile
Working, living, life worth while
Blackened, chared, broken, bled
I am, from my place on sickbed.
Gifted, chosen, worker of light?
Dead, black, coffin sealed tight
One wish, one, to be heard right
Grant, give, take it on sight...
....Let me die damnit... tonight...
If only things had started out right....
Sean
http://www.kundalini-gateway.org
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