To: K-list
Recieved: 2001/07/27 22:18
Subject: [K-list] From Mystress...re karma judo practice
From: Serenasbliss
On 2001/07/27 22:18, Serenasbliss posted thus to the K-list:
You meant to send this to the list? It only came to me.. forward my
response, if you like..
At 02:06 AM 7/27/01, SerenasblissATnospamaol.com wrote:
>They were really needy, and very stuck,
>and for a while they used proximity to me to experiment with change
>and newness, but then they "decided" they mostly preferred to stay
>as they were, and they re-stuck themselves. Fair enough. But I got
>stuck with them.
Yes.. the dynamic I mentioned in the "Twin flames" post.. if you take
on stuff in an agreement to help them get clear, then they go into
resistance, you get stuck in their stuff and it can take some work to get
un-entangled from it.
>I think that moving past witch hunt fear is at this point for me largely a
>question of beginning to ~behave~ as a high priestess,
>as someone who can and does shift from duality to nonduality and back
>again, and uses Her abilities and gifts, to meet the various
>needs of the various situations She brings about.
Yes! Every action is either love or a cry for love..
>I could then understand that by acting as a high priestess, I put myself
>in a better position re witch hunts, not a weaker one.
>It isn't as if I am making myself more of a target; I am actually making
>myself less of one because I am using my power as She wills with greater
>skill and agility (rather than blocking Her within myself).
Exactly so!! Beautiful.
> > I also asked for, and received support from the K-list community
> that
> > showed me so much love, appreciation and acceptance it literally blew my
> > mind and opened some new chakras that I didn't know I had. (Bless you
>all!!
> > :) :) )
>
>I admire you for keeping yourself open, putting yourself and your struggles
>out there, asking to get that support. You let people help you and that is
>a gift for them too.
LOL!! Goddess did it. I had no other option but to break out of my
independence and ask for help. It was beautiful and it broke the pattern.
>I easily default to the wounded animal response to my problems-
>"I'm hurt so it is time to hide."
I understand.. for years I could not cry in front of people.. because
my mother used to turn the tears on and off like a faucet.. manipulative,
and I scorned that kind of emotional manipulation. Then came the misty
K-fired tears of joy.. and it became OK for me. Tears could be an
expression of beauty.
>Your explanation of the Shakti field impacting
>and drawing out others is the biggest help
>I've found for understanding the peculiar experiences I had as a child
>with how other people treated me. I've never lacked for validation
>about how unusual I was as a child, nor for external corroboration
>on how bizarrely I was treated- but I have never known the "why" of it
>and I've suffered a lot over that.
Oh, me too!! I remember, years after graduation, I met one of my
previous tormenters at a party.. he was rather drunk and trying to pick me
up. I asked him straight out why he used to treat me so badly when we were
younger.. really desperate to know what it was about me that attracted such
abuse.
His answer.. he didn't know. He said his own actions had haunted him
with guilt, he had spent a lot of time feeling terrible remembering it and
trying to understand why he had ben so awful to me. He did not know why he
did the things I did.. said I had been a nice girl and his own terrible
behavior ad bothered him for years afterward and made no sense to him. I
knew he was sincere. He did not succeed in picking me up, of course...
In a way, that answer was horribly frustrating.. I had wanted to know
WHY for so long, to have a reasons and even the tormenter did not have a
reason.
I spent so many years trying to somehow mash my square peggedness into
a round hole that would be accepted.. no matter what I did, it never worked
and so finally I decided that it must be some kind of strange gift.. I had
nothing to lose by becoming an outrageous professional misfit, as a Pro-Dom
and turning the rejection into an activist issue.
Finally, understanding the effects of the Shakti-field was a tremendous
relief. focusing inward helped, and I made a simple request of Goddess,
agreeing to be the vessel but asking Her not to send me people I cannot help.
>The answer to "why" was something I always
>sort of felt- I was different and special
I did not feel special. People kept telling me "stop acting like you
think you are so special" and if I could have found the "specialness" they
were speaking of, I'd have applied self surgery and cut it out with a rusty
knife, to fit in. It frustrated me so much because I did not know what they
were talking about.
>Your explanation of how people respond to a heightened shakti field
>helps me to understand the "why". It does not reduce the horror, but
>the explanation provides an enormous comfort to me.
I am glad! Understanding was a huge comfort to me, too. Another gift
from the border guards. ;)
> > Since I had also discovered that sometimes people whom I got angry at
> > ended up having some kind of "accident", I had learned to control/repress
> > my anger. The whole event with the border guards was so that I could work
> > out my stuff with something big enough~ part of the most powerful country
> > in the world~ that I was not afraid that my anger would harm them.
>
>When I was around 21, 22 I began having more and bigger k-experiences
>than usual, and I noticed this "accident" thing happening.
Yeah, recognition. I have two explanations for it.. one is "Goddess
protects Her own".. namely that the same Shakti field that brings out the
ugly behavior in others that gets me angry, also accelerates their karmic
payback for their actions.
The other is a discovery that some "bent" astral entities who could not
get past my guardian angels were trying to get my attention by doing me
"favors".. I asked my angels to transmute any such beings that my light
attracted before they could get up to any mischief, and things got a lot
better.
These days, I have really learned to trust my anger. It is part of what
I call "Priestess instinct".. an awareness of "wrongness". I have learned
the Goddess sometimes uses annoyance as a way to get my attention and
motivate me to act. I do not act on my anger immediately, but I sit with it
awhile, focus on it and surrender it, and surrender *to* it, exploring the
emotion and the cause till I get to the calm center, where lies the clarity
of insight into what type of "active surrender".. surrendering to action is
required of me... then execute it, from the witness state.
>I think this was when I started blocking my high priestess energy
>in earnest. Around this time I found a way to have conscious communion
>with Her and our explicit articulate relationing began-
> and she said she'd pulled most of the power
>until I was ready to handle it, because I
>was doing hurtful things with my energy (mostly hurtful to myself,
>but that counts just as much as hurts done to others, because we
>are all one).
Yes.. that is what upset me about the "accidents" too.. I don't need
the Karmic feedback from dark magic.
>I was so made
>as to have the potential to manifest much of Her,
>but in the past I wasn't ready, and
>the shutdown mechanisms sure hurt. I was like millipede bound
>up so I could only use maybe six of my legs. I couldn't walk very well
>and painful wipeouts were my norm.
>But this was preferable to me than using my thousand legs to run about
>and do harm.
Oho! I learned self-hypnosis from a book at age 12.. got a glimpse of
my own power that scared me silly, especially when added to the
precognitive dreams of myself as a Dominatrix. Terrified of my own power, I
used hypnosis to bind the Wiccan Rede "Do what thou wilt, but not harm", or
"for the good of all and harm to none" into myself at every level of my
being, to last until my death. I wanted to make it last even beyond death
but I got a slap upside the head that said "what happens after you die is
up to God."
After my K-fired ego death, (which was terrifying) one fragment of ego
remained, and it had me always worrying about possible harm coming from my
actions. The 18 month gap, was how long it took for me to trace the
splinter back to my 12 year old good intentioned road to hell, and follow
guidance and abundant synchronicity to manifest a ritual to clear it.
In the higher vibration the Wiccan rede showed its duality, persistent
"fear of harm".. which is a human judgment. That is something I felt but
could not believe as a stubborn frightened 12 year old who had been on the
receiving end of a lot of "harm". That old hypnotic ritual created a wall
around my soul.. a prison of separation that had no doorway out, but death.
Horrifying to realize what I had done to myself, at first.. there was no
way out, I had been so thorough in its creation. So I surrendered to
Goddess and asked for death to come to set me free.. trusting that Goddess
would find a better way. He came courting, as an amazing romance with that
aspect of the Divine Beloved. At the end of that 6 months courtship, I
outwitted my 12 year old self by sacred marriage to Hades, as
Kore/Persephone in a circle of 100 pagans.
She did not go easily into the light.. part of the preparation for that
ritual was mood swings that made me feel like I was starring in the movie
"terms of endearment." It was so strange.. the 12 year old within was
acting like a grieving, self pitying terminal patient, while my adult
spiritual self was having this amazing, ecstatic love affair with death..
the doorway to the light. Very bipolar.
The perfection of it tho, was that inside the wall, my soul was shiny
clean perfection and beauty. No karma. The Rede had done its work, all my
actions had been redirected into good, while I had a safe playground to
grow into my power.
>I think you really did do the witch hunt thing, in a biiiiiiiig way!
>And you got the big learning from it too, it seems.
Yes.. that is exactly what it felt like.. I had been wearing a ring
with a pentacle on it, and they had searched through my crystal bag which
also contained a vial of my own moon blood mixed with alcohol as a
preservative.
The conversation is funny in hindsight.
BG <suspiciously> Where did you get the blood?"
Me: <drily> "It comes out of my body every month."
>After I posted asking for help, I realized I had neglected to ask Her
>for clarification , and so I sat down and did a written meditation
>about it. It is such a luxury to have anywhere to go to discuss this
>stuff- but I can't let the luxury distract me from the "basics" of my
>life, which is that I take everything to Her and She tells me what
>to do about it.
Yessss!! Serve Her, and have none before Her. Not even me.. :)
>I was only doing little bits of the karma at a time, because I wanted
>to ~understand~ all the karma crap this couple was shooting at me...
>my desire to understand the karmic gunk and explore all the
>tangles meant I could only use the technique in slow motion.
LOL!! Yes, ego wants to know, and it slows things down.. I posted
about that in my response to Cleocatra about the spirals.. in a post that
has not yet appeared on the list, for some reason. I'll look it over
tommorow, see if it needs an edit.
Also, it is important to get ALL the stuff, at one sitting, if you can.
If you just cut the top of the weed, it promptly grows back from the root.
That is why I commented that I am often too lazy to be so generous. Sitting
immobile for 8 hours processing my druids' depression is one thing.. doing
it for some idiot with an attitude is quite another. Being that I'm a dom,
and all.. my first impulse is usually to resist.. reflect it back at them
and shove it up their ass.
>So She said that if I was willing to relinquish the satisfaction and
>gratification of understanding ~all~ that karmic crap, she would happily
>provide me sort of a Cliff Notes on the interesting karmic stuff
>(kind of like reading karmic tabloid press, I think!) and the rest
>could just get judo'ed without me "seeing" what I was
>judo-ing. Otherwise, with the quantities of incoming karmic crap
>from just this one couple, I could look forward to feeling heavy and
>unresolved and stuck around these particular relationships for, like, the
next
>fifteen years.
LOL!! Yes, this is basic to most karmic surrender, yourself or judo.
Ego wants reasons, and if you stop to indulge ego, it will spin stories
forever. "Basic stories", or BS for short.. :) Better to surrender the
junk and Goddess gives back insights. It is only when the stuff is out of
the way that you can see clearly what is behind it.
That is why I usually surrender stuff as abstract shadowy shapes,
rather than needing to know what it represents. Goddess will tell me later,
if it is important.
Similarly, some people cling to the idea that the stuff is "lessons"..
life is not about lessons, it is about experiences of love. We grow up in
school, and end up thinking that life is school.. but on a soul level, you
already know everything.
The only thing that is useful, sometimes with stuff that comes up over
and over, is to examine it to find the *patterns*.. the stuck fish cycles,
so you can be mindful to break out of them. Know Thyself!
>I thunked it over and decided that the karmic Cliff Notes
>offer was a pretty good deal, especially
>since most karmic crap is pretty banal and uninteresting, the same thing
>over and over and over and over... So I said "deal",
>and I did the technique and got my nice little insights into this
>couple as She promised, but also had the feeling of doing the
>technique with my "eyes" shut, and that was okay.
yup.. leap of faith, shut your eyes and jump.. Goddess handles the rest.
> So that was
>yesterday afternoon and so far, no recurrent heaviness.
Yaaay! You are a quick study!
But of course, being sub.. your natural instinct is to turn aggression
into bliss. This is just a new way to do it, and likely you will become
much better at it than me. I think, this Karma Judo trick is the
information you were really asking for, when you asked me to mentor you.
You will be the one to refine the basic outline into a fine art of
amazing healing. Allowing people to release their anger, aggression, etc,
onto you and making it into ecstacy and huge healing. I am getting a
glimpse of what you will do with it, and it is incredible!
An amazing place that I have gone to, on 2 occasions.. and am afraid to
do again. It knocked the recipients into eyes-open unconsciousness and
enslaved one of them for several lifetimes.
I will send you a story..
Blessings..
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