To: K-list
Recieved: 2001/06/19 07:26
Subject: [K-list] Look who's talking...
From: www.siiya.net / prod. musique & multimedia web
On 2001/06/19 07:26, www.siiya.net / prod. musique & multimedia web posted thus to the K-list:
> Hi all,
>
> Tonight was a beautiful and warm summer night as my city can sometimes
> offer. I spent most of the day, all of yestederday and all of the day
> before meditating, making contact with weird zones stuffed with passed
> memories, my nasal cavities, another space over my upper teeth, another
> in my forehead, another under my nose...
>
> I was thinking about the investment it has been to stock all these
> emotions everywhere in my body, and I tried to remember doing this.
>
> No memories. Was not a conscious thing.
>
> But I can remember what I was not doing and what I was doing instead of
> doing what should have been done.
>
> I feel crush by the weight of all the meditations I have to do to purge
> myself. Height years... Methodically, with discipline... With
> dedication. Still pretty heavy stuff but I see what has been done...
>
> Am I vertuous? well... let's say I'm pissed off of all the tricks I
> tried to escape reality, so successfully I went to the extreme and was
> left with no choice but to go on reverse...
>
> Imagine this 7 years old little guy, sensible and feeling inside like a
> little king, feeling he deserves the best, right now.
>
> Everybody had something he had not. He was fearing not to be liked if
> he wasn't the best of all in all circumstances. So he tried to be the
> best. So he just failed. So he began to feel emotions that were not
> supposed to be felt by a little king... shame, guilt, fragility,
> vulnerability, jealousy, isolation, solitude, etc.
>
> This little kid made a choice then... When he was going to bed, the
> body filled of all these unconfortable emotions, he experimented that
> fantasizing that he was a superhero, rescuing the frightened beautiful
> little girls of his class attacked by evil people, was relieving him of
> his suffering...
>
> So he did this methodically, experimenting every single little variation
> on the theme of being "great", mounting very big stories in his head
> during hours before sleep. With discipline, during years and years and
> years, "healing" his poor ego with illusions... until he discovered
> drugs and alcohol.
>
> With acid it was easier, but on the 150th trip in 18 months, went to
> far... All these unwanted emotions that had often lost their
> "provenance" bursted into the conscious, causing a major breakdown.
>
> Psychologist, psychiatrist, pills.
>
> Did'nt work, find my own medecine: heroin.
>
> What a drug... so powerful it unlocked all my lower chakras after the
> first puff. Got this effect only the first time though, after it went
> crazy.
>
> After two years I had to be stopped, I was going to die very soon.
>
> At this point, I was a completely fucked up guy, like I can see so many
> today, with no memory at all of why he is so fucked up, with no
> direction and no sense in his life.
>
> Had a spiritual experience in a house of therapy with the AA method.
> God was the only thing left to try, it worked. I used God has a drug,
> like all the people I know that use God. God worked, God works, thanks
> God.
>
> I was feeling good, I was not at all less fucked up... It was a lot
> more subtile, but I was in the same state of absence in my life than
> when I was on drugs, minus the hallucinations and the dreams.
>
> Panic attacks came back, the worst scenario to me. Never thought they
> could be helpful, the only thing the docs and psychiatrist did was
> trying to shut them out. Very intelligent people, trying to do with
> pills the really same thing I did when I was 7 and older eith drugs: a
> big and dangerous diversion...
>
> The reality is so simple... But it has a bad taste of déjà vu...
> Look's fancier if I go in another therapy and try this breathing method,
> this hand healing method, this new kind of therapy...
>
> So I have to do today the job I skiped when I was a child, and if I do I
> will slowly but surely have a life. If I did then I would have a life
> for long. No need for spirituality, just living. Life is about living,
> not about leaving...
>
> I'm reconnecting with what is the simple life of one male human on
> earth, and for human I think this is simple perfection. A life where
> nothing is totally bad, totally good, totally black or white, where a
> murder is also a source of food and where "pathologic" panic attacks
> leads the way to understanding and experiencing our true self. A life
> where the laws of nature applies with all that it implies; tenderness
> and care for the "progeniture", survival of the specie, try to do life
> the most confortable it can be and not trying to live the life of
> anybody else. All the stuff in ideas and philosophy is of no use for
> that.
>
> I am often pissed off and when emotions make me feel to much dirty
> inside, I have the desire to kill me. But I know that when I think
> about that, It's because I'm close to touch the hearth of the
> problem... so... I take my courage and pass trough another one.
>
> This is my reality, shared with you, with the only intention of sharing,
> cause I have interest in sharing...
>
> Benoit
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