To: K-list
Recieved: 2001/03/15 10:17
Subject: [K-list] Re: Fiona's Mother
From: Divine Goddess
On 2001/03/15 10:17, Divine Goddess posted thus to the K-list:
I must agree with Jose.
My grandmother sounds just like yours, Fiona, and my mother similar
but now I see things differently.
I felt and experienced despair, pain, everything that your post
describes in all its cruel faces. I was even convinced that I would
never be able to have children because I was terrified of
transferring my horrendously toxic imprinting to children. It was the
best birth control program that could be used by any woman. I was
afraid of also creating relationships with men that reflected the
relationships of my family.
The only way I could find relief was to move far, far away although
my mother could reach out with a virtual knife and rip my soul to
ribbons in her anger.
I pushed everyone away. But I found I didn't have to be victimized by
my genetic heritage and things began to change once I entered my 30s.
I was able to trace things back through multiple generations on my
mother's side. Once I began to heal myself it also began to heal my
family, the principles of resonance.
I also began to slowly see my family in a new light as my heart and
body healed and I forgave and forgave and forgave and forgave and
practiced the discipline of reconciliation. The most important thing
I had to do was forgive myself for hating myself for being born into
that kind of family. When I could release myself from my prison of
self- hate my life began to change and the light began to shine on my
family and me.
Forgiveness is not just about forgiving others…that is such a
small part of the process. But for most it is an essential first
step.
Forgiveness is about forgiving me, healing me. Forgiveness is not for
changing others. I can't do that. My forgiving them will not change
them or make it better. I can only forgive myself. Then it doesn't
matter whether they change or not.
Where I used to see ugliness, cruelty, manipulation and misuse of
power in my family I see people who dearly want to be loved and
understood by those they love in their toxic way. They are willing to
use any means available to them to prove to themselves they matter to
you and that you love them.
I am a realist too. It has been 10 years since I began self-healing
and I still live 1500 miles away from my family. It is a protective
measure. Easier for me to deal with if I can't hear their physical
voices. But I visit them now…they love it and cherish me more
although I have to feel the arrows of shame slung my way because I
won't come 'home ' to them. But those arrows don't really sting like
they used to. I cherish and adore my family now too. I would have
never thought that possible in my lifetime…ever.
I have found it is my choice to give people the power to hurt me. My
family is very strong energetically and they do sincerely love me in
their own inside out, backwards, lopsided intense way. I can
appreciate that now and love them back outside in.
I can triumph over my biological heritage no matter how entrenched
and enmeshed. I have a Catholic heritage and a vicious Christian
fundamentalist heritage too, but all these things made me strong and
who I am today.
Powerful is the maternal line. It helped make me what I am today.
I bless and give thanks for my life and that crucible of alchemy that
transformed me to be who I am today.
With deep understanding and love,
Susan
--- In Kundalini-GatewayATnospamy..., José <jose.gitaATnospamw...> wrote:
> Dear Fiona,
>
> There are so many mothers like yours, and their destructive
emotional
> behaviour is really something to deal with. My grandmother was like
that and
> I was partly raised by her, I know how hard it is to get out of
that
as a
> child raised by her. Still, I cannot agree with this:
>
> > My post wasn't just about my mother. It was also about the
> > genetic mother in every female who will not allow another female
> > to have what she does or can not.
>
> I wouldn't even want to be a mother if it was like that, and I
still
do. The
> only "thing" I would not allow another woman to "have" is my
partner. But to
> be serious: they are all allowed to try: it's his responsibility in
our
> relationship to keep making the choice to be with me.
>
> I just had to react to that!
>
> Love, José
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