To: K-list
Recieved: 2001/03/15 00:30
Subject: [K-list] The silent assassin
From: Fiona Tulk
On 2001/03/15 00:30, Fiona Tulk posted thus to the K-list:
Self Euthanasia .. the silent assassin
My mother wants to die .. she has told me so.
It's her 69th birthday and she wants to die.
She has consciously chosen it because that's what Nanna did. After
Nanna got to her 69th birthday she went downhill - emotionally and
physically. She shut the door to people calling. When Poppy died,
her words to me were .. "God should have taken me before him" ..
and she resented him dying and leaving her alone.
Made no secret of that.
My mother has just shut the door to her friends.
She is practising her own brand of Self euthanasia .. silently,
slowly, consciously killing herself. She has said so.
She is not sick, has never had any life threatening illness, is
mentally sound and physically able .. with only some curvature
of the spine.
Her decision is wilful and conscious. She has decided she will die
.. now, before Dad, so she isn't left alone.
And she will make all the people around her pay .. with their own
health and their own lives .. through her prayers .. even to the
point of nagging Dad so he has another heart attack or stroke
so he dies first. to fulfil her mother's patterns ..
Her Self euthanasia was exacerbated when she could no longer
control my life. She knew she had lost when my life didn't fit her
vision for HER future .. not mine.
When she knew she would not have the lackey to her every whim
that she was to Nanna in her old age.
I told her I would support her but I would not and could not
physically do what she did for Nanna.
"Oh no I would never expect that" .. she's a very poor liar. She
does expect it and I know it is part of her prayers that I will be
punished for what I've said.
Haven't done anything .. just said it.
The mirror comes full circle .. the words she used as missiles
have found their homing beacon. Self euthanasia as a professed
matriarch martyr is her only way of wielding power as she longer
sees any purpose in her life .. no-one she can control because
in her control of other people is the central point of her martyrdom ..
Her 6yo grandson is "a bit thick, is going to be difficult
not as bright as his sister" .. her attitude towards all males.
Her litany of "I do all these things for all these people .. but
people just use you" translates to 'they owe me and they are not
paying'.
The martyr losing her control over other people leaves her with no
reason to live and she consciously wills her death to make them
'pay'.
She wants to die and she wants to take me with her.
"You'll know what it's like soon enough".
Yeah - maybe in another 30 years or so.
I'm the great disappointment to her. No children. I couldn't.
Even if I'd got pregnant her disapproval and the agony of re-living
what she and Nanna went through would have been too much.
No grandchild could had survived, particularly a female who would
have inherited the full force of the genetic coding.
Her words to me that "Intercourse nearly killed me" ..
was the vibration of my conception and her legacy to me.
Living has always been a struggle for her. "How are you surviving?"
prefaces every conversation. She doesn't listen to any advice about
her health - doctors, according to her know nothing - she knows
better.
She clutches at me to kiss me when she leaves. It feels revolting
.. and smells of decay.
She has problems with Chris. He tells things as they are and she
spits ..
Her prayers and thoughts fall like mortar shells on the house.
And out of my own unconscious self judgement that I have somehow
hurt her - I let the shrapnel in .. fragments that poison my body.
She has tried to kill me - three times.
My body was paralysed and bedridden so she had to look after me.
.. play the martyr and have full control. Her life had meaning.
It happened the three times I got anywhere near to actually
leaving her and being with a male. I was physically frozen and
paralysed. My body wasted away. I literally couldn't move.
Stayed in my room .. my bed .. until she had regained control.
She will not believe anything until she has seen it.
And she will never see me.
The matriarch demands the sacrifice of the daughter's life - to
make up for her own lost dreams and hopes.
There is no direct female grandchild to carry on the mtDNA.
Never had the chance. Her disapproval, her prayers would have
aborted any baby I may have knowingly or unknowingly conceived.
The foetus couldn't stick ..
her disapproval would have flushed it out.
And if that hadn't worked ..
cot death would have sufficed.
Nothing like an angel in heaven to get kudos for a wanting
matriarch.
But then, she did want me to live like a Nun ...
So that left only me and any poor unsuspecting males who looked my
way. They never stood a chance.
And now because I'm such a 'disappointment', I must pay by looking
after her (and her bitter complaining about life) in her senility.
It is her conscious choice to shut out the 'struggle' in her life.
And if she can't have my life she'll take whoever else happens to
offer her support or sympathy.
Support and sympathy are a chink in the armour ..
the Archilles Heel
Her favourite line is, "Father will pay"
Father .. Dad? Priest? god?
Take your pick. Anyone who took away her church
imposed illusions of virginity and purity.
Hard to have compassion when I know she wants to take me
or anyone else close .. to her grave with her.
She still believes there is a Heaven and she will have her
'reward' .. even though the Pope said there is no Heaven ..
she believes .. because he's a man and 'what would he know'.
I know a child will die for its mother .. I've seen it so.
But I am not going to be crippled by someone who is absolutely
conscious of what's she's doing. She's told me she knows ..
The mtDNA is a silent assassin triggering a re-run of events in
the bodies of its victims. I can now see clearly the re-enactment
of Nanna's death wish in the body of my mother.
And it was her legacy to me ..
to live and die in exactly the same way.
To get to 69 and not be able to face the re-birth of the 70th
birthday and all of the unconscious birth memories that it brings ..
because the flip side of birth is far too close and the fear of
death and judgement too great.
The 'fires of hell' is a very real belief in my mother's body and
the mantle of 'original sin' has crushed her spine.
Only an act of will can change it for me ..
but it feels like pulling a dead foetus out of my body
marked with the name 'mother'.
The umbilical cord was never fully cut .. it hangs as a chain
rotting and fetid between three generations.
There is fear that I can't make the change and that is my mother's
fear .. because she didn't and won't.
There is a fear deep in my body that even after death she'll be so
shocked at what she experiences that the shock will keep her
trapped in the ethers until there is a suitable genetic body in
which to re-incarnate.
And she will be vicious in the re-birth that she couldn't face in
an adult body and unbending in her self righteous indignation ..
and so the loop will begin again.
It is too late for her now. She has made her choice
Now I have to make mine.
A re-run of Nanna and Mum's life
and their slow self euthanasia ..
or a life of my own.
Self euthanasia begins after birth when the child first shuts down
and can be halted with every major rebirth ..
puberty being a major opportunity to change the patterns.
My identity has, in the past been so strongly linked to Nanna
and mum's that even after all this time and all this conscious
clearing I am only now beginning to realise that my own possibility
is an empty page ..
now .. and only now .. I can pick up my own pen ..
Fiona Tulk
Hobart Tasmania
___
The background behind this process can be found in
"The World is my Mirror"
<http://www.anunda.com/fiona.htm>http://www.anunda.com/fiona.htm
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