To: K-list
Recieved: 2000/11/20 15:31
Subject: Re: [K-list] the mystery
From: Sylvia
On 2000/11/20 15:31, Sylvia posted thus to the K-list:
Dear JB,
Paul put it so well- it is truly
> a pleasure to be with you on the street... in the rain, the wind...
> and among the beautiful fallen leaves.
Thank you JB.
I am touched too by what is unspoken in your words.
>> The gaze touched thru the eyes,
All is love - there is much flowing to you from all of us. :)
I'd like to share this with you if you like - its an offering that is sent
with love.
Its lengthy [sorry]..re a dog + 'mystery'
My daughter was assaulted at school a month into her graduation year. The
physical wounds healed quickly but not the feelings of violation and being
unsafe inside. She became deeply depressed - and yes at times contemplated
suicide. She had much courage and would pick herself up and pile into her
study frantically trying to catch up- then it would all get too much and
she'd swing back into depression so deep no-one could reach her in.
She met a puppy in a pet shop or rather they met each other. He was one of
several golden cockerspaniel pups - the first time I had seen her smile in
such a long time. Yes I bought him for her - a beautiful openly + generously
affectionate pup full of the joy of living who could reach her where nothing
else could.
Time passed and things changed. We moved to our new [rented] house and had
to keep the pup at my parents place. She got a job, moved out of home.
It was increasingly difficult having our Pepper housed where he was and I'd
exhausted all other options. Eventually we had to admit that he needed a new
home. The tears were all mine - she had moved on and out into the world - so
his job had been done I suppose. I waited for a while but then knew that the
time had come and rang the newspaper to place the 'free to a good home ad'.
The girl I spoke to was wonderful- she had me talking about him, sharing,
reassuring. We talked about the sort of family situation which would be best
fo him and so on. Ideal - a family with young school age children who could
give him lots of cuddles and where someone was home to be with him most of
the time.
She advised me not to let him go to anyone unless I was sure, and to ask
them to let me know if ever a problem arose such that they couldn't look
after him anymore.[She said that some people might have a dog put down if
they had to move overseas! etc.] The next morning the ad appeared in the
newspaper as ordered, but with an additional [free] insertion - "needs lots
of cuddles."
The first phone call I received was at 7-45 am from a man who did not match
my preconceived criteria. He had remarried- new wife with her teenage son.
The son had a 10 year old dog who was 'not much good to him'. 'Andrew'
wanted a dog just for him - a dog he could take for long walks on the beach
every day. There was something in his voice. We made an appointment for 10
o'clock and he pleaded with me not to let him go to anyone else before he
got there. The phone rang non-stop- unanswered. I felt such a heaviness
when it rang so I ended up taking it off the hook. When he came, Pepper was
out the back with a bone. He was always timid with strangers especially men
so this was remarkable- Andrew said "Oh he's gorgeous! + Pepper bounded
right up to him and into his arms then danced around him playing. So it was
decided.
Andrew invited me to keep in touch and rang to let me know how he was
settling in. He rang me about six weeks later too. He'd been in hospital for
a few days and wanted to let me know that all was fine. I felt there was
something deeper/ unsaid in that phonecall. About 6 weeks after that he
kept crossing my mind. I wanted to do something for him - thought maybe I'd
get out some old photos of Pepper and send them to him.
On the saturday morning I was working - feeling increasingly uncomfortable
as I had the night before too. I finished at lunch time and drove to the
local lake- to the soothing balm of the water. Suddenly I was crying - an
overwhelming sadness welling up from the depths. I just couldn't stop. It
was really bewildering. Such sadness and regret. After about an hour of
this, I thought I'd better go home but I stopped on the way at a shop and
bought a newspaper for no [conscious] reason. I sat in the car still in
tears absently turning pages trying to settle enough to drive home.
Something leapt off the page in full focus - a death notice for Andrew W.
I couldn't remember his surname but I knew it was him. He had promised to
let me know if there were ever any problems where he couldn't look after
Pepper anymore- and he kept his promise.
From then everything picked up pace. There was an urgency- an emergency-
overwhelming sense that I had to go to Pepper, find him, he needed me
desperately, needed to be held tight in my arms.
I flew home and grabbed Andrew's address. [Yes it was his surname] I drove
all the way down to his place near the beach. Found [was shown] his vet as
soon as I got there. [We]Drove to the beach and searched there. Drove around
the streets near his house searching. Back to the vets where I stopped for
awhile wondering how I could ask about him there. Back to his house.I parked
in the side street opposite for hours, basically torn - being urged to find
a way to go in even to make sure he was alright, not being able to intrude
like that, 'hearing/feeling' Pepper crying and frightened and feeling the
desperate need to have him in my arms. Towards dusk there was some sort of
settling and it was ok to go, though there were still some lingering doubts
and something more, but there was a compassionate release.
The next morning was calm. I went back- there was still something. I was
shown a favorite restaurant with memories of good times and friends, the
florist shop where he bought flowers for her, his doctor's rooms with
memories of a hard physical struggle to get there, a house with childhood
memories, his church with its music, the way he walked with pepper to get
the paper in the mornings. Re-visiting a last time. To the beach. He loved
the beach. The long walks he took with Pepper to the south- he was happy and
modestly proud to show me that. Contemplating the view of the city across
the water to the north, and the water- the beach, the light dancing on the
waves alive in the air - such a wistful regret - and joy in living, such
light and love and joy in living! Seeing it all with his 'eyes' The tinge
of regret at all he would miss - such love + tenderness in the dancing of
the light and completion -
The next day I got an email from a young friend who has recently moved
overseas and is very lonely. She had just got a cockerspaniel puppy.
My reply:
>> we've been having THE most beautiful weather!
>> I learned of the death of a friend on Saturday.. funeral today... makes you
>> look at the world with new eyes -
>> seeing the sun sparkling on the rooftops,
>> on the leaves of the trees, the water...
>> went to the beach on sunday - beautiful views of the city + the bay - deep
>> blue sky, sun dancing sparkles on the water, people out in boats, swimming,
>> paragliding, walking, families out for picnics, kids playing..
>> Dropped in on some friends later and watched the sunset together - just
>> beautiful...had a great night..
>> +got your news about pup first thing Mon am... soooooo good to hear!
>> such joy in just being alive! + so much more to see + do!!
>> Ah ... the world is our oyster!!!
>> all day the 'sun danced sparkles'
>> funny about that :)
>> there IS so much joy - to see to be to experience
>> such wonder in living.. truly!
>> :)
He had shown me this.
On the Monday I plucked up courage and rang his wife. I knew it was right
now. I took a deep breath and simply told her that I had 'felt' Andrew's
death before I read it and that I had sensed that Pepper was upset. I asked
if there was anything I could do to help with him. She thanked me for
telling her[!] She told me how much he had loved Pepper [now 'Dougal'] and
that he brought such happiness to him during his illness- cuddling up to
him in bed - in hospital too. Pepper had been distraught and had been
staying at the vets. She had decided to have him put down at lunchtime on
Saturday and had been going to do so immediately. At dusk she had finally
decided to give him a reprieve of a few weeks trial to see if she could cope
with him - and he without Andrew.
I went to the funeral. No sense of him there at all except in the music. The
service was for them not him. For me, I found out facts about his life, but
all seemed dis-connected from who he essentially was. I had an image of
half a dozen pale yellow roses before and after the service. I tried to
find some to buy, thinking they were meant for her, but couldn't find any
anywhere. Now I write this, I feel they were for me for some reason.
Pepper/Dougall got a mention in the service-"his great love for his dog
'Dougal'. The minister said it awkwardly as though he didn't understand why
he had to put it in. Pepper/Dougall is faring well- 'a generously
affectionate pup full of the joy of living who can reach where nothing else
could' with another job to do. :)
The light often dances sparkles for me where I go reminding me
and I wanted to say this to you too: -
there IS so much joy - to see - to be - to experience
such wonder in living and beyond.. truly!
:)
with love to you,
and all,
Sylvia
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