To: K-list
Recieved: 2000/08/18 09:24
Subject: [K-list] Healing Garble
From: Dolores
On 2000/08/18 09:24, Dolores posted thus to the K-list:
Hi everyone!
How are you all? Wonderful I hope.
Well... once again I am humbled by the depth of the Life force, and
the universe. Somtimes, it is a hard dose to swallow... This one is
for me.
Since I began my awareness path, a few years ago... I had always been
intrested in truth, good health and freedom from suffering. It just
seemed important, to embrace the ugliness of my mind, and heal it. I
only recently realized Kundalini was apart of this grand
transformation. And, I am very very happy... to have this knowledge.
In my research of Kundalini, these past couple weeks... I have begun
a new journy inward, one I was not expecting.
While working with my loves deep and dark past, it reflected back to
me, my own unhealed childhood truama. I have taken a few steps back
from working with my love, and realize it is best to help him by
example. Which is usually the way it works!
While reading up on Kundalini, I understand that it can also be
connected or considered a sexual energy. This makes sense to me, on
such a high level. I am a 25 year old girl, who has never faced the
sexual abuse in my life. I have tried, and thoughs who I went to for
help, turned away from me. I just began to get used to pretending it
wasn't there. Although, this has had a terrible effect on my intimate
life. By not dealing with it, I am falling into a cold pattern of a
non-sexual self.
It seems that in order for me to fully embrace this Kundalini, I must
resolve this sexual fear, and pain. It seems that the Kundalini is
helping me go into myself and begin to heal. For many reasons, I can
not and will not turn back now.
Although, the flood gates of emotion are open, and I spent lastnight
crying like a little girl, feeling alone and un-loved. I gain a
direct perspective of how others suffer, and turn away from the
healing, because it hurts so intensly. I am greatful for this view.
I spend so much time helping others heal, that this is really
throwing me off kilter. Although, I know I will be fine. But, needing
someone to help me, is hard... because I know the person is me. No
other will understand my need for comfort as well as I do. So, as I
went to sleep lastnight, feeling abandoned by the world... I wrapped
myself in a blanket, and sung myself to sleep.
I am sharing this with you, because I feel a deep infinity with this
group. No other group of people understand this side (which is a huge
side~ Kundalini/Spirituality) of me. I share this because you are
part of me now.
I think and feel with my whole being, that it is imparative to be
honest. It is very easy to shy away from sharing the healing stuff,
because we are vulnerable and afraid of rejection. I think, once all
the truths are out in the open, we are free to move forward...
See, I could look at this as a horrible triggered reaction to
Kundalini... but the truth is, it is saving my life, my loves life
and my caged tiger has a chance to soon be free. It is dark and
scary, and totally worth it in the end. I have to listen to my higher
self, my guides and trust they are touching me, when I need to feel
held... singing to me, when i need to be nurtured, and proud of me,
when I look in the mirror and say "I love you, ".
Thank you, for this place to share my journey. I read of yours with
hope, joy and pure excitment. With this kind of forum, we are
changing the way life is lived, and showing an example of living
mindfully and truthfully. Our sons and daugthers will be raised with
less and less suffering... I go inside, knowing... my future daughter
and son deserve to be free of my sexual fear. I refuse to pass this
on, I refuse to keep it. I am going to work it down into such small
pieces that it turns into sand. I will paint it and make a beautiful
mandala from it, in honor of my freedom.
I bow to you all!
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