To: K-list
Recieved: 2000/07/04 20:04
Subject: [K-list] Breaking up is hard to do.
From: CJ
On 2000/07/04 20:04, CJ posted thus to the K-list:
What the heck?!!
This is really weird, El. I know you don't know me....my posts have never
been interesting enough to warrant a response from you. Bummer in my book,
but what can I say? Obviously the inspiration hasn't come to me yet. But
the paragraph here is why your input was something I looked for.....
< I have another talent which is harder to own. I see things that aren't
<supposed to be seen and I say things that aren't supposed to be said.
<Articulating these hidden, silent things is a deeper level of championing
the
<underdog. To give voice to forbidden, imperceived or unconscious thoughts
<and feelings requires a warrior's courage, endurance, and often,
aggression.
<Without this, one could not stand against the tide of popular ideas and
<acceptable behavior long enough to speak.
I do that too - to you and the others on the list. I just lurk about it
instead of the warrior thang. But then - I don't consider any of you the
'underdog'. To do that I would have to take sides, I think, and that's a
difficult task for me.
<One rule I break is that I don't always play nice AND I admit it. There are
<plenty of people who break the "be nice" rule, but they rarely confess that
<they're doing so. Few here have never broken it. Sweet and gentle Hillary
<is one exception; Percyval has an almost unbroken record (LOL). There are
<some others...
Is playing nice a rule here? I had no idea!!! I thought telling it like it
is by folks who walk it like they talk it was what you get here. There are
distorted perceptions and misunderstandings - but they seem to come more
from ignorance than anything else. There are so many ppl in my life who
break that 'be nice' rule and don't acknowledge it - even if it is exposed
to them. That's hard to take when it comes from those I care about, and
it's probably a more comfortable existence than mine. But why compare
yourself to them? It sounds like you're saying that who you are is a
problem for the list. What??? (You don't know how many times I've said
your mantra, btw. ;) lol)
<I'm unusually honest about who and how I am, which makes me an immediate
<target for people who aren't. All the folks tripping over themselves for a
<chunk of the list spotlight aren't "hams" like me, because they never
<admitted that they were. Anything you say can and will be used against you.
<Not just here. That's an in-the-world rule. A good training rule for the
<soul. I've learned to check my heart before opening my mouth, and do my
best
<to say even the things said in jest with integrity.
You know as well as I do that honesty is very refreshing. To do something
different, or to apologize for it, or to leave because of it, seems strange.
eeewwww the oh so scary list spotlight - I might get nailed by the clique
that always posts, like *El*!! <g> I've just recently gotten a 2nd line for
the old computer, which has *empowered* me to switch from digest to
individual emails - and to even post every once in a while. I thought I was
scared, but really it was just too inconvenient, and when I finally could, I
still didn't have a whole lot to say about what's written here. When I did
write - I got ignored! Imagine that! All this came to a head and *nobody*
*even* *noticed* my introduction!!!! So I had to sit here all alone with my
smashed paradigm. :( Growth, right? teeheeheehee.
<Yep, tons of projection hitting the fan. And the usual catch-22 tactics of
<gang attack, followed by accusing the victims of hostile, paranoid delusion
<when they try to defend themselves. Oops, did I say "victim"? We all know
<there are no victims, silly me. I meant to say "the vile person who
deserves
<being attacked." Which isn't really attack because good spiritual people
<never attack anyone, they merely point out the ways in which the vile
person
<is completely wrong, defective, pathetic, disgusting and worst of all, a
<,blubbering bad-tempered cry baby who mistakenly believes they're being
picked
<on.
Here I thought ya'll were just trying to keep the list lively!
<Invigorating list lynchings end in one of two ways. The vile person gains
<some on-list friends who speak strongly in his/her behalf, which then turns
<into a civil war. The war eventually either loses steam and fades out on
its
<own, or Mystress steps in and makes everyone sign a truce. The other way
the
<lynchings end are when the vile person fights against all odds until
<exhausted. Then they disappear from the list... sometimes resurfacing to
<post much later, sometimes never to be heard from again. I've never seen
<anyone withstand a group attack without a very strong (or several strong)
<supporters standing by their side. You want to talk games: that's the game.
Yup - but only a few play that game - you are one of them, why do you play
it? You had an expectation that others would join in the foray and that
expectation wasn't met, but if you reflect you might see that your posts
were hitting the list like a bird caught in a garage. Who could keep up?
<I am under no illusion that poor me is the object of hatred from all 375
<members (or however many are aboard now) of the K-list. Most of the members
<are silent. Who knows how they feel? There is just a small vocal faction <
<after me, each for their own who-knows reasons. I've been more defensive
<than confrontational lately, although trying to keep up this Bruce Lee
<survivor routine may be making me too edgy.
Why are you making youself do it? Just stop - is the last word that
important? Or is closure an issue you're trying to work through?
<thread has been suggesting. I don't know if I'm taking a vacation from the
<K-list or vacating permanently. I'll see where the Spirit leads me.
You've been here a long time - if you feel you need to make restitution to
those you've decided you were too hard on....I know you know you can release
it and be free of the guilt you're feeling. It doesn't have to define you
forever.
<I have come to love so many of you as family. Wim is like an annoying
<brother who bops me around sometimes; I do likewise to him. Many of those
<who speak on list are dear to me. Maureen, Percyval, Hillary, Jerry, Lynda,
<Rob, Jill, Harsha, Lou, Am, John, Kaura, Michael, Froggy Jacques, Kathy,
<Augustin, Sharon, Paul (I pray all goes well with your surgery and healing)
<-- I will forever treasure your friendship. (And I am doubtless omitting
<names of beautiful souls here that have offered me kind words and love...
<Please forgive my atrocious memory.)
<if a knight in shining armor or a warrior goddess has enlisted in the cause
<of "save the El," I throw you garlands of roses and my most humble
gratitude.
<I'm still going; it's time, but I will carry your love in my heart always.
I'm none of those; I know this is coming from left field. That's where I
hang out.
<El
Peace,
carla
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