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To: K-list
Recieved: 2000/07/01 22:38
Subject: Re: [K-list] critters, hounds... and anger
From: Jag

On 2000/07/01 22:38, Jag posted thus to the K-list:

At 04:17 PM 7/1/2000 -0400, ckressATnospamaol.com wrote:
>Wim left to be with his dying father a week ago and I've been too busy to
>read my email for the past few days. How invigorating to come across a "you
>both suck" vote. Can't say I didn't open the door for it, LOL.

Not exactly "you both suck", just a vote for ending the game publicly. You
know, I like playing and using masks and all that, it's really fun, but at
some point it just gets rather sickening and I wonder what's being avoided
with these games. If you guys really want to capture the audience, show
something rather than hiding.

> Never ceases
>to amaze me how many people think that ending their post with "Love" or
>"Blessings" or some such sweetness and light "I'm a good person" jargon will
>cancel out a kick-somebody-in-their-teeth message.

I never intended it to cancel it out. *shrugs* I rather dislike
game-playing when it seems something's festering underneath, when the
game's no longer a game. Love, well, I do love, rather easily, rather
passionately, and rather bluntly. The true mark of any type of love, in my
opinion, is honesty. Can you really tell me that my rear looks as big as a
semi in this dress if I ask? If you can't, it isn't love. You asked for
the vote, I voted. Be careful what you ask for....*g*...especially when
there's a Cheshire Cat willing to give it to ya.... :)

>The mark of self-authenticity isn't that everyone will like you.

Exactly. :) Which is why I said what I did. You may like it, you may
not. But you got the vote....eventually someone's gonna start
throwing tomatoes if you stay onstage long enough...

>I kept my
>"real" persona behind the scenes and mostly presented an edited, relatively
>bland and easily digestible El to the public (which means to all but my
>closest friends) for much of my life.

*nods* I know exactly what you're talking about...I've done it, and in
some touchy instances still do it...but my ability to hide is weakening by
the day. Which was the cause of some major "what the hell???" from family
members the last couple of months...but it really doesn't matter at this
point. It's not so much a decision as an inability that's growing stronger
with time combined with an anesthetic that protects from the negative

> K has been steadily eroding my masks
>for the past 9 years. More and more, I've been showing the world (including
>this list) an unapologetic, unmuzzled, self-revealed me. Doesn't mean I'm
>perfect. None of us are as individuals.

I like your sense of humor...it's almost as twisted as mine.

<snip sainthood>

I used to think that way too, but I felt a part of me that was wanting to
defend myself. That part of me used to scare the dickens out of me partly
due to the drilling of certain scripture. I was certain I was
doomed. Then all the experiences with K from early childhood onward...I
finally attempted to suppress it and be a good little christian. When I
came on the list a few years back was when K came back with a vengeance...I
made friends with the inner bitch, but am finding it harder to understand
the inner child, as I was never really a child.

I agree with you on anger, even though it took me while to come around to
it. I grew up in a home where my mother was physically beaten and I was
physically, sexually, and emotionally abused. I feared anger, or any type
of strong emotion; I lived in a shell where none of this was really
happening, but it was happening and it was because I was bad. When all
this came back up with K, I thought I was going mad. Every memory I'd
suppressed was coming up all at once, and I couldn't stop it. I've found
that warrior nature that was mentioned by someone (I forgot who)
earlier...it was that nature that I was fighting against, that I thought
was so horrible. In my reality it is a way of turning anger into something
productive rather than destructive.

I cannot even begin to describe what has happened the last few months, and
I don't really want to at the core of myself. A present for me, perhaps.

Love (oops! there I go again)
Jag the Duck :)


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