To: K-list
Recieved: 2000/06/29 14:17
Subject: Re: [K-list] Abuse Poll results
From: Druout
On 2000/06/29 14:17, Druout posted thus to the K-list:
Dear List,
There were 20 responses to this poll. 14 people replied Yes and 6 replied No.
Question: What form did this abuse take?
Physical 10
Sexual/Incest 9
Emotional 8
Rejection/Abandonment/Neglect 5
Psychological/Mental/Intellectual 4
Verbal 2
Demonic/Ritual 2
Excerpts:
I was abused when I was 12, and again when I was 17. I originally
saw it as a sexual invasion, but later realized it was a power/control
issue. Both individuals were men of high standing in different churches;
the latter was the minister. No, not catholic; presbyterian and multi-
denomiational liberal protestantism. They used basically the same script;
targeting and then programming me as an isolated pre-teen or teen, and
then providing me the cameraderie I desperately needed.
************
Phyisical, emotional, sexual and I beleive intellectual. I'll try to
explain the last one as I'm not sure about it. I was a high IQ child,
reading fluently at five, which is when my memories start, ( prior to 5 it's
a blank) and I can remember being introduced to paradox repeatedly in a way
that was supposed to develop my mind and perhaps it did, but subjectively it
felt like my mental gears were seizing up and it hurt.
***************
Yes, father beat me daily, used to give myself contests to see if I could
make it less than 3 times a day without crying or being physically abused.
<snip> I was left in that cold bathroom for over 24 hours, probably a couple
of days. <snip> I drank the cold stream of water from the bathroom faucets .
<snip>I stayed quiet in that bathroom, just me and the light strreaming into
the little window. Watching the dust playing in the rays, they became my
friends and playmates. <snip>I waiting for death with an open mouth and an
open heart and felt wonderful. Hunger went away, fear gone. 12 more hours
and the door was pushed open. <snip> there I was, sitting quietly with my
little new friend, the sunlight. He got scared, said I looked weird, like an
angel. sitting in the sunbeam.
***************
I was physically, emotionally, and sexually abused and rejected as a child..
**************
Yes, beatings, sexual abuse.
**********
I dunno how my mom pulled it off, but she had an eligible & wealthy
UPI photojournalist pick her up from Dammasch Hospital (of 'One Flew
Over the Cuckoo's Nest' fame), & they picked me up from my dad's new
"family". My dad's new wife had despised me, & her 3 daughters from
another marriage were always favored. I would tell my dad she was lying
so she could lock me up in a room by myself for days, after beating me
for sh*t she would make up out of her head, & when my dad came home he
would also beat me. He never believed me, he believed her.
After a long string of Catholic schools in 4 different states, when I
became of puberty, he threw out my mom (who was strung out on speed &
really WAS an edgey bitch), & began sexually abusing me. I was put in
the place to be mother to my 2 little sisters, very young then, & I was
only 13 & 14. Sexual abuse every night, beatings & almost killing me by
day, making me pose nude for him,
**********
Yes,horrible life threatening.
**********
i was emotionally and physically abused by the man my mother married
from the age of 11 to 18. I was also spiritually and psychically
tortured by demonic oppression from 12 to early 20s; also include
sexual molestation by dark entities. I believed I was insane
and at times was suicidal.
*********************
I was physically, emotionally, and sexually abused as a child by an older
brother and neglected by my parents.
***************
Unless you consider having to sit in church and listen to a hate-filled
preacher scream that we were all sinners who were going to hell, no. If
so, then yes. But not inside my family or by my family's acquaintances,
friends, or strangers, and not direct physical abuse...
The preachings scared me terribly though and I did feel scarred by the
really dysfunctional ideas this ranting and raving man had to say...I
never understood why my grandparents and parents wanted to go to church
to hear this shit.
*********************
Emotionally yes. Not sure about anything else.
I tend to believe now that yes I was abused and so were others in my
family. But it was a part of some type of ritual abuse, and I can not
remember. <snip> it was exploring these ideas in
my mind that seemed to trigger my spontaneous kundalini event. I believe
that the reaction of my family to lock me up in a mental hospital was their
way of shutting up anyone who brought up the possibility of abuse in the
family. This in and of itself is quite abusive. I believe that the ritual
abuse was sexual but also involved programming.
I only wish that the abuse was clear cut and clearly remembered, then I
could heal and move on. But we all have some purpose in living out our
lives.
*************
Add me to your yes list, in the physical, emotional, and
sexual categories.
***********
Mental, emotional, physical and occassionally sexual.
<snip> I was often told things like 'you
should have been strangled at birth', was chased round the house, throttled
- where I thought I would be murdered. <snip> Most childhood illnesses were
always treated with an enema administered by my father - this was his
panacea for all ills.
************
There was a great deal of various abuses in my background, but I believe the
effects of incest & other sexual abuse left the most harmful scars for me to
overcome.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Question: How did you deal with this abuse?
Excerpts:
I initially saw these as sexual events. I doubted my
sexuality, then experimented for a few years. I eventually came back to
my current hetero standing. <snip>
The events forced me to think about stuff rather deeply and carefully. I
learned to take the words and beliefs people say and doubt them without
that affecting my attitude against people. Basically, you can say I had
to grow up emotionally; since this was such an embarrassment, I went through
the whole transition alone. Of the 3 people I've ever discussed this with,
only one was of assistance, and only because they'd gone through the same
abuse (different type, same impact).
*********
Dissociation. I think this is what Angelique refers to as the witness state.
For me it was 'get out of body pretty damm quick' I observed as if it were
happening to someone else.
************
I invented games, I went into myself, I left my body, I traveled to other
places, I sometimes went to a church and stared at pictures of Mary and felt
her presence inside of me and her strength. She has always been with me and
is now. She became my mother and my being to replace the one I had but was
too afraid to be.
I lost all fear of death, I have no fears today except for the compassion of
the wrongs done to others. I am too removed to be affected. I don't have an
ego, it died in the bathroom.
Physically, I became very strong and a good fighter. I don't know how this
happened but I think it was a gift of goddess so I could protect myself.
*******************
I stopped feeling and seeing. I shut down completely.
*******************
Repressing it, and subconsciously passing it on to others... (attempting to
do to others what was done to me) The sexual abuse almost, luckily it could
stop at the platonic form, was soooo close though, thank God for the help I
got. The beating, just one time beat my son and that scared the hell out of
me... Got me to start transforming myself...
***************
Dealt with it by learning to speak telepathically with my fraternal twin
, leaving the body as an empty corpse and physical surgeries in later
years to correct bodily trauma.
************
I discovered the Witness State. I could dispassionately remove myself
from the abuse and become the objective observer. I learned I was
more than my body or my experiences. Fortunately, I did not
fractionate into multiple personalities. If I had not found the
Witness State I think I would have. I learned to travel to other
dimensions with my spirit.
***************
I minimized it; it was no big deal. I didn't really even know it wasn't
okay for people to treat me that way. Once when my brother was beating me
up in the living room, my mother was in the kitchen. Afterward, I went in
and asked her why she didn't do anything. She said I had to be tough. So I
always thought the problem was that I wasn't tough enough; I still do. I
still have trouble just allowing myself to feel my feelings; instead I try
to be "tough". plggh!
*********************
I became a super sensitive child, "the good example" kid...
****************
i dealt with the abuse by withdrawing into myself.
**************
I closed down completely and hardened myself to the world. I spent my
teenage years being permanently depressed and often considering suicide
myslef. I dont think i did 'deal' with it at the time of the abuse as I was
unable to. <snip> In my early twenties I began to seek help for myself,
whether it be books, meditation etc.
I think k. was going through partial awakenings at this point.
I finally went for therapy a few years later - which I think was mainly
important simply for admitting to another human being how fucked up I had
become, as I had tried desparately to keep a very polished exterior for many
years whilst dying inside.
Therapy helped to a degree. But I now realise that I was experiencing many
early k. symptoms, heat, emotional torrents, exhaustion, depression.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Question: Do you think it was the primary reason for your K awakening?
Yes 5
No 3
I don't think so/I don't know 3
This was not the primary reason for my awakening. It tilled the ground,
forcing me to wake up and take an active part in my life. It showed me that
life may not be what I think it is. It didn't cause my awakening, though.
Neither did my NDE. Neither did my years of meditation.
I'm beginning to think that awakening happens at its particular season,
regardless of what you do. All these things may facilitate the process, and
certain attitudes and
practices will provide greater acceptance and an easier ride, but you can't
make a seed a tree unless it's ready.
*************
Yes in that some of the stuff I've learned about K seemed to be happening
for me for as long as I can remember, but I think I had a block at the
throat that one day got 'blown away' and now it goes up and down freely
instead of taking a more snaky route.
***********
Yes, that and severe Rheumatic fever, pronouced dead also around 6 years old,
but had NDE - <snip>
I became a detached servant of Goddess, she has always been with me. and now
he is gone, and I am fine, and I am here feeling her energy. therapy did
wonders, had an angel, Mark, no longer needing to be Kali, now took the form
of one called Hillary [this is no relation :) ]
Thank Goddess for my experiences that awakened me.
***************
Yes, it was awaken or leave my body. I chose to awaken.
***************
Yes!
**************
Yes, it did drive me to yoga & meditation, only I had blocked out my
whole childhood & including my 20's & '30's, & have only recently. the
past couple years, have begun to remember. All that crap which was
*stuffed* for survival's sake has begun the process of pain & torture
that I had no time for, until recently. Every little trigger - I cannot
even be in love with anyone because I am overwhelmed with the emotional
pain I need to go thru & purge. Sometimes all it takes is a smile...
<snip> Because I really want to go out & have fun deep inside,
but won't let myself. I guess it's the *adult* & *inner child*relations.
My *adult* tortures me by the reclusiveness & total isolation from
people. Even when I want to mingle, it's totallyt theatre arts any joy
I might glean.
Writing this has helped relieve the tension of abandonment &
isolation.
*********
This had nothing to do with Kundalini.
***********
Don't think so...it certainly drove me inside myself. I received
Shakitpat almost 15 years later.
**************
I don't know, but I really hate this question. I would rather have had a
happier childhood and be a shallow but happy person than to have gone
through that. I think there are better ways or reasons for a K awakening,
like having mentors, etc. <snip>To actually answer the question, it seems to
me like when no one is there for you, you learn to find the resources within
and/or develop more of a connection to the spiritual world, because the
physical world isn't meeting
your needs. At this point, I am started to feel clearer and more connected.
In other ways, many ways, I feel like the abuse cut me off from my essence
and I severely limited my experiences because of fear. What I knew what
pretty scary, so maybe what I didn't know would be even worse, so I have
stuck pretty close to home in geography or social life. Only recently, I am
starting to try flutterin my wings a little. It's pretty scary sometimes,
but other times it's wonderful.
***********
It does not seem that it was the primary reason for K awakening. But
major blocks in the flow of energy through the chakras will tend to back up
and result in the self-healing process of kundalini releases. If one is
sensitive and 'spiritual' in nature, whether by genes or past-lives or
whatever frame of reference one wants to use, then if one is abused and
causes a disruption in this flow then it seems a spontaneous k awakening
makes sense. I do not believe it is caused by the abuse - or that all
abused souls will react that way. <snip>
But in another way of answering this question - yes the abuse was the
primary factor in the sense of otherwise i might have been brought up in a
nurturing environment and might have strong k flow without really ever
recognizing it as K. The abuse created a dam - K burst through -
*********************
I don't know. I had removed a hell of alot of blocks during therapy and
mainly working on myself by myself. I fell into a very deep depression for
several weeks which culminated in great shifts of energy and emotional
blocks which went through the whole chakra spectrum in about a 2-day period
and finalised with energy bursting out of me in every direction with the
feeling of expanding beyond myself like a balloon - I had no idea that this
might be k. at the time - once the fear of this experience subsided, utter
bliss took over and i felt so incredibly and totally alive for the first
time in my life.
Therapy then became superflous as my therapist became baffled with now
ever-present body jerking that I was experiencing and intense heat and other
(what I now know to be) k.symptoms.
I do wonder if removing a great amount of crap, opened me up enough to allow
k. through.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Other remarks:
I've heard a number of people theorize that survivors of
abuse have an advantage in spiritual attainment because they learn early the
skill of leaving the body. Staying grounded during the abuse would mean
emotional death so they figure out how to leave and, therefore, get glimpses
of other worlds
************
I marvel at human resilience! I can't begin to know how I would have
managed
or "turned out." I get an image of a wider, deeper chasm in the self
with abuse (and other such atrocities). A wider chasm to face, to
figure out how to cross, to build a bridge from the heart to the
universe. Maybe the Warrior Suit helps for a while, eh?
**************
One can look at this in several ways - if you believe that all is as it
should be - then it was just part of the grand plan you had when arranged
this lifetime - (lessons learned etc). If on the other hand you believe
that there are competing forces and that just like in a chess game a move
results in a counter move then - abuse could be a way of trying to stop
those who are spiritual or to turn them into abusers.
*****************
I have practice shamanic healing (Harner method
style) for around twenty years, and one of the techniques is called soul
retrieval. When a person undergoes a very traumatic experience, a part
of the person (we call "soul-fragment") leaves; a protection mechanism
to escape further damage.
*******
I knew a woman who was even more neglected than I was; <snip> This woman's
spiritual connection seemed much
clearer and stronger, to the point of hearing voices, etc.
**********
One of the things that many have a hard
time understanding was why I say that there is a place for hatred and that
neither G-d nor I will just accept everyone unconditionally.
**********
You don't. God Does.
**********
This problem is much more widespread than most realize or will
admit. Often others who know about it will not put a stop to it because they
don't want to expose a family member. What is most unfortunate is that often
yesterday's victims become tomorrow's perpetrators.
*******
All this has made me wonder abut a couple of things. One of them is if
childhood abuse somehow correlates with troublesome k-awakening. I had a
relatively good childhood and my "awakening" has been quite pleasent. Mainly
intellectual problems. I wonder how much a "devoted" or "whole-hearted"
attitude play role int the process. If someone is abused in childhood it
might be (at least sometimes) easier to devote oneself to Somehting More
Holy, God / Love / Any Higher. The intensity is higher than usaually but
there migh be more emotional controversies? More k-symptoms? Could it be
that the inner spirit is more responsive to the intensity for deeper /
better life then it is to ány mental frameworks?
********************
There seems to be an effortless, easy going "life is good" energy in most
people who have had supportive families of origin, regardless of how tough
their current situation may be. Conversely, no matter how well we're doing
now or how much healing we've undergone, those of us who endured a painful
childhood have an element of struggle or a sharp-edged quality in our
personalities. I think an abusive background develops a degree of warrior
energy in the psyche. We had to fight for our existence, for our right to be
here. I feel this energy even in abuse survivors who adopt very optimistic
life philosophies.
******************
I've just had an epiphany about this facet of my growth <snip> My epiphany,
btw? It's the sexual vs control nature of this whole series of events. The
abuse had nothing to do with me; it was those guys and their non-The abuse
had nothing to do with me; it was those guys and their non-appropriate ways
to exhibit their influence in life.
**************
For several years I was the contact person for an incest survivor
group. People unwilling to attend a group were often willing to talk on the
phone...so they'd call me. Most of them would want me to share "my story". I
soon learned that this made them doubt their own recovery, thinking their
stories weren't as credible as mine because their details weren't as bad or
horrible as mine (kind of like, poor poor me, & shame on them for even
thinking their abuse was bad.)
************
Now when a memory surfaces I try hard to
hold and comfort my younger self and cry the tears that belong to a previous
time, sort of like catching up. So I wrap my arms around myself, and rock
myself gently and weep what feels like an unshed ocean and pray for healing.
And I salute all who ever and where ever and when ever find themselves doing
the same.
***************
There is a buddhist quote I like but cant remember exactly (please feel free
to correct me!) something about the greatest lotus growing from the muddiest
waters... which makes me think about survivors of abuse.
Love to all abused or unabused!
END
I want to thank you all for participating both publicly and privately. I'm
rather speechless as to how brave you all have been and continue to be.
Love, Hillary
************************
ABUSE POLL
In a message dated 6/23/00 4:24:00 PM Pacific Daylight Time, ckressATnospamaol.com
writes:
<< Both of them were emotionally abusive to each other and
the rest of our family. My mother was physically abusive to me too >>
AND,
In a message dated 6/21/00 4:17:45 PM Pacific Daylight Time,
aurasphereATnospamhome.com writes:
<< During that early experiences of myself being discarded, thrown away
literally, I discovered that the only thing that is the truth is that death
does not exist.... that was my discovery... Also I, the self, was not
affected.. >>
Dear List,
The sensitive issue of Child Abuse has been an undercurrent on this list
over
the years. I believe it to be one of the "triggers" to later awakening.
Question: Were you abused as a child? What form did this abuse take?
How did you deal with this abuse?
Do you think it was the primary reason for your K awakening?
Please feel free to E-mail me privately.
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