To: K-list
Recieved: 2000/06/28 03:20
Subject: Re: [K-list] Abuse Poll
From: J F
On 2000/06/28 03:20, J F posted thus to the K-list:
>Question: Were you abused as a child?
Yes
What form did this abuse take?
Mental, emotional, physical and occassionally sexual.
In my early childhood I think the abuse came more from my mother, as she
vented her frustration about being in an unhappy marriage. I remember
several times if I misbehaved she would drive me to the motorway and tell me
she was going to leave me there. Tell me that I would be taken into care by
social services, pouring milk over my head. - these are just things that
stick in my mind.
When my parents split when I was 9, that was when the abuse began from my
father. I was constantly told it was my fault that my mother had left. Or
that it was to do with the fact that me and my brother argued etc. My
father would threaten suicide frequently. I was often told things like 'you
should have been strangled at birth', was chased round the house, throttled
- where I thought I would be murdered. My childhood illnesses were never
properly treated. I had asthma from about 9 and it was not until 12 that I
was treated medically - when it became an emergency. If I was having an
asthma attack my father would make me walk briskly and tell me it was
because i ate too many sweets. He would apply a cold towel wrapped in a bin
liner around my chest - this was how he thought asthma should be treated -
this was alternative medicine gone mad. Most childhood illnesses were
always treated with an enema administered by my father - this was his
panacea for all ills.
It goes on..
A custody battle over myself and my brother took place between my mother and
father which my Father won. I chose to live with him as at 9 or 10 (I cant
remember exactly) I was promised no end of things that kids want and didnt
want to change schools.
For a time, when I wanted to see my mother she would tell me I had chosen to
live with my father and slam the phone down and that I probably wouldnt see
her anymore - guilt guilt guilt.
She also threatened suicide to me on a couple of occassions when her second
marriage failed 2 yrs later.
Once my brother went to University when I was 12 it was open season for my
father and the psychological/mental/verbal abuse got far worse- but I was
becoming older and wiser.
>How did you deal with this abuse?
I closed down completely and hardened myself to the world. I spent my
teenage years being permanently depressed and often considering suicide
myslef. I dont think i did 'deal' with it at the time of the abuse as I was
unable to.
After leaving home as soon as possible I remained in a closed-off state for
several years. In my early twenties I began to seek help for myself,
whether it be books, meditation etc.
I think k. was going through partial awakenings at this point.
I finally went for therapy a few years later - which I think was mainly
important simply for admitting to another human being how fucked up I had
become, as I had tried desparately to keep a very polished exterior for many
years whilst dying inside.
Therapy helped to a degree. But I now realise that I was experiencing many
early k. symptoms, heat, emotional torrents, exhaustion, depression.
>Do you think it was the primary reason for your K awakening?
I don't know. I had removed a hell of alot of blocks during therapy and
mainly working on myself by myself. I fell into a very deep depression for
several weeks which culminated in great shifts of energy and emotional
blocks which went through the whole chakra spectrum in about a 2-day period
and finalised with energy bursting out of me in every direction with the
feeling of expanding beyond myself like a balloon - I had no idea that this
might be k. at the time - once the fear of this experience subsided, utter
bliss took over and i felt so incredibly and totally alive for the first
time in my life.
Therapy then became superflous as my therapist became baffled with now
ever-present body jerking that I was experiencing and intense heat and other
(what I now know to be) k.symptoms.
I do wonder if removing a great amount of crap, opened me up enough to allow
k. through.
There is a buddhist quote I like but cant remember exactly (please feel free
to correct me!) something about the greatest lotus growing from the muddiest
waters... which makes me think about survivors of abuse.
Love to all abused or unabused!
Jay
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