To: K-list
Recieved: 2000/06/24 23:23
Subject: Re: [K-list] Re: Abuse Poll
From: Yahseyes
On 2000/06/24 23:23, Yahseyes posted thus to the K-list:
hehe, lets try this again...
<< Question: Were you abused as a child? What form did this abuse take?
Yes, father beat me daily, used to give myself contests to see if I could
make it less than 3 times a day without crying or being physically abused.
Physical and Verbal abuse was rampant in my tenement household. I was an
only child, father was alcoholic, mother was beaten, broken spirit,
constantly verbally, and scared to death of him. she was so scared she would
offer me to him when he needed to beat on something. I was only a baby., a
toddler
I was sacrificed to my father by my own mother.
He used to do weird things like hitting me if he found me cuddled with a toy
in bed, come near my bed in the middle of the night with a rubber monster
mask and wake me, he once shot an air gun off by my ear when I was watching
tv to see me jump and then he would laugh. I don't know why.
One day, he hit me so many times I went down on the floor, I was less than 5
or 6 years old, then he kicked my body around the floor like a mop, I think I
went unconscious, he just kept kicking and kicking me like he hated my
lifeless body over and over. He kicked my body into our flat bathroom which
had a swollen door and frame from the paint from the summer heat in NY and
slammed it closed so it stuck with me inside.
I was at first terrified. My mother was afraid to call for help, she was
more comfortable viewing me as a sacrifice to a beating. He was drunk and
couldn't open the door. He didn't try anyway. I was left in that cold
bathroom for over 24 hours, probably a couple of days. I was terrified, then
I realized death was for sure and that was all that could happen, death
became a friend to be waiting for, so I waited. I drank the cold stream of
water from the bathroom faucets and stared at the rays of sunlight coming
into the bathroom window.
My cries stopped. He must of thought I finally died. I stayed quiet in that
bathroom, just me and the light streaming into the little window. Watching
the dust playing in the rays, they became my friends and playmates. The
tears stopped rolling. I waiting for death with an open mouth and an open
heart and felt wonderful. Hunger went away, fear gone.
12 more hours and the door was pushed open. He must have been working on how
to explain I died and got stuck in a bathroom to the police, no police were
with him. but no, there I was, sitting quietly with my little new friend,
the sunlight. He got scared, said I looked weird, like an angel. sitting in
the sunbeam. I slowly turned toward him and looked at him with an adult's
look of disgust. From that day, he has been very scared of me until he died.
>How did you deal with this abuse?
I invented games, I went into myself, I left my body, I traveled to other
places, I sometimes went to a church and stared at pictures of Mary and felt
her presence inside of me and her strength. She has always been with me and
is now. She became my mother and my being to replace the one I had but was
too afraid to be.
I lost all fear of death, I have no fears today except for the compassion of
the wrongs done to others. I am too removed to be affected. I don't have an
ego, it died in the bathroom.
Physically, I became very strong and a good fighter. I don't know how this
happened but I think it was a gift of goddess so I could protect myself. He,
my father, was a special forces killer Air force from W.W.II, he had killed
many soldiers, he was trained specially to kill in hand to hand combat, he
showed me many moves. I started using them against him when he attacked me
or my mother.
He was afraid of me on that level also. I would take my body and fly across
the room and insert my teeth into his chest and hang on pulling my weight
backwards so he would fall forward. pieces of his chest hanging in my mouth.
Trying to hook around his aorta so I could pull it our of his neck, feeling
his heart so close to my teeth, trying to penetrate his chest. He was full
of scars from me, a result of his own teachings of his own horrible way of
living given back to him by his only child. It gave me satisfaction to know
I was hurting him and stopping the beast from hurting others. He had made me
a detached opponent. I had no feelings towards the possible chance of his
death that I was bringing about even though he was my own father.
He was a horrible person with a hidden good heart that was very confused. He
was also abused as a child. Had I not believed that in my soul, I would have
killed him easily.
>Do you think it was the primary reason for your K awakening?
Yes, that and severe Rheumatic fever, pronounced dead also around 6 years
old, but had NDE - a number of them, the bathroom memory is probably my
first, and lived. around same time as this event.
I became a detached servant of Goddess, she has always been with me. and now
he is gone, and I am fine, and I am here feeling her energy. Therapy did
wonders, had an angel, Mary, no longer needing to be Kali, now took the form
of one called Hillary, who you know about.
Thank Goddess for my experiences that awakened me. thanks Hillary for
allowing me to tell this nightmare to give my Hillary a mention.
Love Lou
Please feel free to E-mail me privately.
You can use your discrimination, I trust your judgment and whatever you
decide.
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