To: K-list
Recieved: 2000/02/03 00:00
Subject: Re: [K-list] Compassion for Angelique.
From: Mystress Angelique Serpent
On 2000/02/03 00:00, Mystress Angelique Serpent posted thus to the K-list:
From: Mystress Angelique Serpent <serpentATnospamdomin8rex.com>
Wrote this yesterday.. feel better today.. send it on, anyway.. >>>>>>>
OK, if it's all about me then it's all about me. You asked, so I'll tell
you what's up with me.
Maureen, El, Harsha, I'll tell you all about what my problem is, in
excessive detail, and you can advise me what to do. You are wise.
I've been going thru another growth spurt, and as a result of this my
empathic sensitivity is reached new levels that I am not yet accustomed to
handling.
I do what my K-fire demands, and not much else, being a lazy sort. If
you three want to be my guru and tell me what to do instead of me listening
to my inner wisdom and doing as I think best, then tell me and I'll do it.
Be Goddess for me.
For most of the time Tony has been on this list, I ignored him. Why?
Because I already know he is resistant to me.
When I focus my attention on people, to understand them, I feel empathy
with their pain. The more I focus on them, the more information I get, I
unify with them and take on thier Karma by autopilot, till I am aware of
aches and heartbreaks that they carry from things they have long forgotten,
that they are not sensitive enough to feel.
If they are receptive, I don't mind the empathy because I am
compassionate and if I can release thier pain from myself, it will lift
from them, too. I can see beauty in it, and it goes, and there is even
greater beauty in the resulting growth. Spectator sport on the list:
watching people grow. Great, isn't it?
With the empathy their emotions have become my emotions, their karma is
my karma, and if they resist growing, then I'm stuck with it till they let
it go. Other folks emotions are incoming all the time..but mostly they pass
thru like a flicker of awareness. If they stick my logical mind may try to
apply the emotions to my own life looking for the blockage, when I feel
them, because I cannot tell whose is which, .. but usually I look and
there is no source in my own life.. that's when I figger out that it isn't
mine except it seems to be getting shared with me, whoever it used to
belong to, its now mine and I take a time out to try to fix it with
surrender. I don't care who it belongs to, I care that it goes back into
the light.
If they are resistant, sometimes the pain won't go away until they agree
to surrender it. Sometimes it takes me some work to break off the empathy,
and free myself. Especially if I have taken on stuff to the point where my
higher perceptions are blocked and I'm blind. I'm blind and separate and
I'm stuck in somebody else's Karma like Chapel perilous trying to find my
way out again. The deeper I'm stuck, the less likely I am to remember how
I got out last time, because my higher perceptions are mucked up with
empathy with their blockages.
If it won't go then I get more interested in who it's coming from..
sometimes I can simply shield myself but sometimes if Goddess won't take it
then it is because She gave it to me in the first place to be a gift for
somebody.
If I can disconnect from them I can usually shut it out and clear myself
unless it is triggered again, and some days when I'm PMSing I get
somebody's whole life story from thier name in my inbox. As List Mistress
the delete key is not much of an option. If I delete Tony from *my*
mailbox, I'm wiping him from the archives, too, and I don't want to censor
him that much. If I block and filter every person who is in pain and
resisting Shakti then I will no longer be in tune with the list..
I get info from the list, too.. I am in service to the list or I
wouldn't ask for votes. Obviously there are others who are even less
patient with Tony than I am, (who wrote privately to thank me for mocking
him, because it made thier own empathic burden lighter) and I get thier
emotional input as well.. projected at me with expectations to DO something
with my magical list Mystress wand. Like, I've taken 4 catnaps in the
course of writing this post because I keep getting overwhelmed and having
to stop.
If surrender doesn't work and I cannot get clear, then it is a message
that action is required.
There needs to be recognition before there can be release.. if they are
stuck in denial then I can become a desperate woman.
Tho I may try my best to stay aloof from where I'm not wanted, I am a
slave to Goddess and sooner or later the pain from the empathy will kick
over into endorphins, and you all will be treated to the show of seeing the
alpha wolf chewing off it's own leg to be free of the empathy trap that
compassionate good intentions got it into, as it tries to rip the empathic
torture out at the source so it can be unified again.
Water finds it's own level. Empathy means I take on thier karma and they
take on shakti and we meet in the middle to try to communicate. Except the
pain that is normal separation for them is like being blind and getting
beaten up, to me, and lately I have been asking Goddess to spare me empathy
with people I cannot help.
Empathy with resistant people brings out the alpha wolf to chew a leg
off to set me free.
I take on the Karma and grow a new shadow that forms itself into the
Wolf that you see. If I choose compassion, and empathy, instead of the
detachment of unconditional love, I take the risk of becoming a reflection
of someone else's karma, so they may see it and give it love. Wolf reflects
the ugly mirror, the duality of actions.
What do you call an act of compassion, that gives up all ego appearances
of "what spiritual people do" to offer "tough love" by giving a hard slap
upside the head to someone who appears to be crying out for the attention
in a way Goddess will not allow me to ignore?
Yes, it does feel good at the time, to feel the wolf's teeth and reflect
back the shit and be free.. String teeth tearing flesh toget at themeat of
the issue. Even tho my horrified detached intellectual mind knows what goes
around comes around and it really is my own leg I'm chewing off and I'll be
crawling off to my den after, to go be in a coma for a while and heal,
esecially if the desperate action is not effective.
My own fault, of course, for getting involved and caring about stuff..
Yes, and compassion to be the devil's advocate even knowing that a lot
of white lighter fuzzy bunnies will completely misunderstand why I am doing
what I do, and add to the situation of my empathic difficulties with their
own projected beliefs of my cruelty.. and that point I will run away again
into unconditional love of lurking and sending blown kisses from the
emotional safety of Nirvana. Shrug laugh don't care.
Till eventually heaven gets boring and I decide to meddle, again, and
come back to being a human being, who cares about stuff.
Life as a ping pong ball can be stressful. Where is the middle path?
Where is the passion in compassion? Unconditional love feels like nothing,
if it had an emotional quality it would not be un-conditional. Sure I can
leave my body and see it all from a Goddess' eye view, unless I'm stuck in
Hades via empathy due to my own "Good intentions" of compassion...
Somethings got to give, the energy has to go somewhere and maybe a camel
that has a temper tantrum will live to carry straw another day. Goddess
take it, it is a gift for you.. There is no need for heroes so I'll find a
nice boddhi tree to sit under blissing out for the rest of my life or until
I get bored of sitting there being and decide to go back to doing.
Goddess has it handled and so I'm chucking it all to run off to paint
pictures in Fiji like Gaugin. Thats what I always say when the camel is
groaning from too many straws.. sensitivity to projected expectations that
comes along with the empathy.
I'm thinking Goddess take the empathy and I'll fuck off to Nirvana
forever but I cannot help but think that we incarnate to be human and have
feelings, and care for each other. I think that the path of shutting down
empathy to avoid pain would eventually lead to the kind of disassociation
from human values that leads to devaluing human life, that leads to letting
people starve to death because it is thier Karma.
I had that thought the other day.. a commercial for Christian Children's
fund came on with it's deliberately evocative images of suffering and the
witness state observation crossed my mind that the starving child on TV
would be free from suffering if it were dead and re-unified with the
Divine. No judgments. The detachment of the witness state can appear very
unhumanitarian.
I observed this thought, that is unconditional love from the Witness
state but looks like deepest shadow if you see it from the view from below
the heart.
I sighed, at the realization that most folks who are not familiar with
the Witness state would probably interpret the idea as socipathic... and
moved my consciousness back to the heart, back to being human, to empathy
and compassion instead of unconditional love... and wondered what
non-christian funds there are, that will feed them without raping thier
culture, thought of the hunger site and reminded myself I have some food
bank donations to deliver.
If you choose to be compassionate and jump in to help a drowning person,
lifeguards know that sometimes you have to punch thier lights out, so they
stop struggling or you will both drown. Of course it is obvious that it is
no good being a lifeguard unless you have a good right hook and are
prepared to use it.
If every time you do use it, there is a crowd that screams "assault" then
sooner or later you're gonna give up the lifeguard biz and sell the pool to
some other well meaning shmuck. Who maybe won't guard it, they'll just put
up a lot of warning signs to take care of legal concerns and fish out the
bodies later.
Compassion for Tony broke my silence to engage empathy and write to him.
Empathy with the grief he is repressing with his "Hero " veneer makes me
want to smash it to pieces like lancing a boil so it can drain, and we can
both be free from what I took on by being "Compassionate" and opening my
empathy to the suffering that he denies and displaces.
Sure, I have other options. I can hang out in the Witness state or
higher, and be Goddess solving everything with a blown kiss of Shakti, and
not get involved, like Harsha does. I do that a lot, in fact. Goddess has
it handled. Miracles -R-Us.
Whole different world above and below the heart, eh? Dimensions and
universes. I'm trying to decide where I want to live, and why sometimes the
empathy works and sometimes it just hurts..
What's the difference between compassion and unconditional love? Compassion
will reach out a hand to pull you out of the hole, even if it means taking
the risk of being dragged down in there with you.
Unconditional love knows you need nothing, and are Divine, and will sit
on the outside witnessing perfection and writing poetry to your God-self as
you climb out by yourself. If your Divine Self decides to exit the hole
by dying in it, then it is the Will of Allah.
That's Tony's question mirrored perfectly, is it not? Amhisa. To act or
not to act. To judge or not to judge. Compassion or unconditional love. The
road to Hell is paved with Good intentions.
I don't think I'm being too quick with the cane, I simply offer a
reflection. Tony has been offering scorn to the people who offer him
compassion, and mocking his fellow listmembers for as long as he has been
on the list. Seems like he values scorn, as a communication method. Seemed
worth a try..
He has often expressed the opinion that no-one on the list is even
experiencing Kundalini awakening, we are all experiencing Prana. So why
does he even want to be on this list? To convert us to followers of Sai
baba.. or is it against SB? Why does he need to convince us of anything?
I think I should trust Alpha wolf at his first growl of wrongness, and let
him free to do his work reflecting, instead of bending over backards trying
to be compassionate till I snap and disassociate. I shoulda smacked Tony's
fingers long before this. By his own hero paradigms, if I'd flamed him
brainless the first time his patronizing hubris annoyed me, then perhaps he
would have been "saved" from Sai Baba sooner. Instead I chose tolerance.
LOL!! See what I mean? Sorry, I'm just not myself today.. Second
guessing the past is not my style. I know better than that...Manifesting
Tony's shadow side is not exactly the most pleasant experience I can think
of.
Amhisa.. do a dance on the razor's edge that is the middle path. To act
or not act, that is the question. Yadda yadda.. it is all perfection, of
course, perfectly designed to drive me right out of compassion and back
into the emotional safety detachment of unconditional love.
Send me off to the woods to create a kundalini retreat where all the
extra sensitive people can be together and love the rest of the world, from
a safe distance with soft kisses of Shakti.
Of course, it's all about me me me.. all a reflection of myself. Know
why? Coz pain from empathy with the Karmic crap of other people makes me
awol. I choose to get involved and then they won't let it go. I end up
wondering why I chose to get involved and contemplating compassion VS
unconditional love.
Every time I offer "tough love". I've got folks you telling me I'm
wrong. Thanks for the bizillionth vote of non-confidence. All the self
appointed list watchdogs trying to rein in the rabid wolf, out of thier own
judgments about what love supposed to look like... projecting even more
crap for my empathy to process. If you guys thing listening to tony
bitching and whining is so much fun then I hope this post gives you much
satisfaction.
Thanks too, to my supporters..
For the record, I didn't ask for a vote about whether to throw Tony off
the list. If I were serious about tossing him off the list, I would have. I
asked for a vote about whether he has his head up his ass. Perhaps I should
have called it a poll... a survey. :)
Compassion sometimes is being willing to look like a rabid wolf to try
to reach someone. Christ kicked ass a few times, too. He snapped from pain
of empathy and went awol on at least two occasions, with the traders and
cursing a fig tree to death. Guess what, the Master is human.
Maybe you can't feel Tony's pain, but I can. There's this Hero veneer
he's using to block it and redirect it but frankly I'd like to crack that
veneer like a nut and lance the boil of anger that is underneath it. Not
for Tony, for myself. To set myself free from empathy with it.
In the meantime my rant has had a *very* predictable side effect of
Tony getting warm fuzzies from all the fluffy bunny hypersensitive people,
defending him from the big bad wolf Angelique, and giving him their love
bombing attention, validating his victimhood, which hopefully will serve to
speed up his process so I can be free of it sooner.
The middle path is that I'm not going to run off to Fiji. I'm going off
to the remote wilds of the BC rainforest to live in a Mansion the size of
the Winter palace of the Czar, and anybody who has enough faith in me, to
be willing to make the pilgrimage, is probably receptive enough to be good
company for Aloha wolf... lead a horse to water.. if it's travelled
thousands of miles because of spiritual thirst, it is more likely to be
receptive to water of life. I will have plenty of guest rooms.
Blessings!
PS: Never mind about me needing a new Guru.. Goddess provides..
As I debated whether to send this or delete it, slave #1 druid just came
home from work. He went to a "7 Habits" workshop today, because his boss
thought it would be a good kind of corporate charm school, so he would
quit asking annoying questions in meetings that nobody knows the answer to,
and pointing out the ideas that won't work. He is an Engineer and you'd
think they would kinda want him to do that kind of thing, but anyhow...
he discovered he already knew the 7 habits, so well that the reason he is
sometimes less than charming is he gets impatient with people who don't..
Alpha wolf as Dogbert.
he wrote a mission statement "To enjoy life". They thought that was too
short and simple to be a valid life mission, so he added "and find inner
peace", which is from his Kung Fu class.
Watching all the ther people in the course writing essays and pondering
the meaning of thier existence, he also realized that I am right, he is a
wise and enlightened being. I teach best what I most need to learn, and it
works great coz Goddess sends me brilliant students...
He also took 2 principles together, win/win and abundance, and created
a third, which was not in the course, but was exactly what I was looking
for, in all of this bitching and whining and wrestling with why sometimes
empathic healing works, and how to tell if it will before getting involved
with stubborn unreceptive idiots who will cause me pain.
The druid principle is: "You cannot create win/win agreements with
people who are in scarcity consciousness".
That's it, that's the difference between people who live in the
universe above the heart and the one below. People who look at the world
thru their lower chakras only understand win/lose. That's why they cannot
comprehend consensual BDSM Tantra without insisting there must be a victim
somewhere. Above the heart, there are no victims. Try to tell it to someone
who is attached to thier victim attitudes, get crucified by them. Ah so.
There really are two worlds, and I'm leaving the world of losers and
victims behind. Ta-ta!! I'll send it Shakti-kisses by remote with the
detachment of unconditional love and enjoy empathy games with those who are
my kind because they live in the world of winners and perfection.
A wonderful formula, that's the dimensional communications gap of faith,
and the reason why random acts of kindness sometimes become road to Hell of
good intentions. Why loans to third world countries don't work, and why
you cannot *give* someone self esteem.
Why victims continue to be victims no matter who thier Guru is, and their
decision to be the victim of the Guru, is totally predictable, especially
if the deeply cherished scarcity consciousness issues are challenged by the
responsibility implied in accepting thier own Divinity.
The druid formula is why whatever you do for a scarcity conciousness
personality will never be good enough, and they will always distort a
win/win to make a loser someplace, to validate their cherished beliefs.
Well, I'm gonna let them have thier beliefs and eat them too. I was never
much impressed with the idea of the Boddhisattva vow, anyhow.
The mass consciousness shift predictions of the Earth splitting into two
worlds, and one world ascending and the other descending, is true, on a
dimensional level. Both worlds occupy the same geographic space and
timeline but perceptually they are two separate universes, and they
co-exist in balance because the Shakti kisses of those in the winners world
have Divine will behind them and the victim scenarios of the losers are
self-defeating. Natural selection will do the rest. It will be as Goddess
wills.. thou art Goddess. Whether you know it or choose not to.
When I was 17 I visited the guidance counsellor who was teaching the
section of my religous studies course on Mysticism, to ask about why I
seemed to have the symptoms of awakening mentioned in the lesson.
He couldn't tell me much and suggested I go to an ashram. Somehow I ended
up explaining to him that life works best when it is consciously selfish,
follow your bliss. I'd learned it from Richard Bach..
Selflessness is an illusion and Mother Theresa takes care of lepers
because it makes her feel good about herself. He told me he loves to teach
because he learns so much from his students.. that's what Richard Bach
says, too..
Since it was apparent to me that I was already wiser than he, and
because he did not trust his own advice enough to go with me to an Ashram,
I did not take his advice and I still have never been to one, in person.
Richard Bach also said that he writes books because if people don't like
the book, they can burn the book instead of crucifying the author.
Richard Bach is a perfect guru because he has no interest in followers
whatsoever, and would rather they leave him alone. He hates writing and
only does it when Goddess gives him an idea so brilliant he becomes
enslaved to it till it is complete.
I'm gonna go back to being enslaved to writing this Tantra course, now
that I have managed to free myself from empathy with Tony.
It is a win-win. People who have not scarcity consciousness will
symbolically pay me an infinite amount of money to read my words, because
we picked the price to be sideways infinity symbols: $88.88 usd.
I'm going to name Tony's head-up-ass yoga position. "Reverse Oroborus",
and add it to the course. I'm thinking of Wim's comment about the phase of
K. when you grow an eye in your asshole so you can look at your own shit.
When you have symbolically *realized* the Reverse Oroborus position, by
the discovery that you have attained it, and all you can see is your own
shit, that is when you are in the best position to see God by using your
new found flexibility to seek bliss in the regular Oroborus position by
loving yourself. The Oroborus is the symbol for infinity, which is a snake
eating it's tail. ;)
LOL!!! Thanks for the patience with my process.. y'all are excellent
Avatars.
Mystress Angelique Serpent, http://www.domin8rex.com
Vancouver, B.C., Canada. Officially the most beautiful city in the world.
8) :D ;) :0 :) ;P ;) :D |* ;) 8D :)
<<<< I would rather live in a world where my life is surrounded by mystery
<<<< than live in a world so small that my mind could comprehend it.
<<<< -- Harry Emerson Fosdick
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