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To: K-list
Recieved: 2000/01/20 18:27
Subject: [K-list] All One equals ALONE
From: Ckress

On 2000/01/20 18:27, Ckress posted thus to the K-list:

From: CKRESSATnospamaol.com

This seems a fitting topic for the moon eclipse. I caught a very interesting
program on TLC the other night called "Life After Death." During a segment
on rare, hellish NDEs, there was a depiction of the God/Self/Source
experience I had 32 years ago. The narrator began this portion by intoning:
"Darkness, Void, Vacuum, Loneliness, Absence, Nothingness, Nonexistence..."

Nancy Evans Bush described a near-death-experience that happened to her 35
years ago. A voice or awareness informed her: "You never existed, you will
never exist. You're not real. Nothing you ever knew existed. Nor does
anyone you think you ever knew, nor your life, nor where you live. You made
it all up." She goes on to say, "This meant that not only did I not exist,
but the baby and her year old sister [her children] didn't exist. Your
mother, your husband, nobody you know exists. You're not real, and nothing
you know is real."

She concludes: "I found it instant holocaust." Yet she was compelled to deal
with this awakening for the rest of her life, and slowly came to terms with
it: "There is a gift in these experiences. Now, it's not a gift we want to
get, but if we're stubborn and hang in there, we work through a lot of
issues. We come to discover our religious faith in incredibly deep ways that
we couldn't if we just dazzled around on the happy level. So what I'm trying
to do is go beyond the idea that pain = bad = punishment = hell = eternity =
despair. Because the alternative to despair I think is joy, which is
different than happiness. But the paradoxical nature of this is that in
order to get to real joy, we have to be able to accept suffering as part of
us. And I know that sounds bizarre. But I didn't make up the rules... and
it just seems to work that way."

Whoever wrote the script for the TV program obviously found it inconceivable
that Nancy had a genuine revelation of Self/Source, so the narrator inserted
the explanation that Nancy's story exemplified one of the hell experiences
that Stanislav Grof says is the product of a terrible childhood. Wrong on
every count. Grof actually discusses the type of awakening Nancy experienced
on a tape called "The Cosmic Game." On this tape, Grof distinguishes between
experiencing deities and divine personages (Buddha, Jesus, Shiva, Kuan Yin,
Divine Light, etc.) and experiencing the core God/Self -- the I-AM of pure
consciousness. Many of the people who have this core experience (which a
friend of mine calls "God-in-the-Void") seem to be exhilarated by the
absolute freedom of realizing that everything and everyone is an illusion.
But some -- like Nancy, me, and others I've met who are more
love-and-relationship oriented -- are devastated by the eternal aloneness of
Self/God. And I've run across a number of people who have had this
experience but buried it in rationalizations afterwards because they couldn't
bear to carry the knowledge of eternal emptiness in which nothing/nobody
really exists.

I must know mostly heart-centered people, because the few people I've
personally met who awakened to the "you don't exist, nothing is real, nobody
you love is real" Source/Self have been mentally and emotionally eviscerated
by the experience. For me, while still in the egoless God/Self state, there
was a spontaneous shift into the joy that Nancy later discovered was the
second half of the equation. So I didn't spend years working through
"issues" to get to that completion. For me, the joy came during the
experience of God/Self's ecstatic love for all creation -- even while acutely
aware that all creation is maya, dreamstuff, nothingness.

So I came "back" from it both reverberating with love and shattered by the
knowledge of God/Self's solitary predicament. I know several people who spun
into psychosis after this awakening because they couldn't handle the
implications. I know a woman who couldn't allow herself to accept that
ultimately nothing but consciousness exists, so she twisted it into believing
that she was God which everyone else secretly knew. She convinced herself
that everyone hated her, since she was solely responsible for all the woes of
the world. As harrowing as her egocentric delusion was (she would scream and
weep with grief and guilt and horror for weeks on end), it was less painful
to her than accepting that at the level where she is God, there is nothing
but God... and no "others" to hate her or to LOVE her. That there was no one
in existence to love her was the absolute worst, as she had an insatiable
need to feel adored by other people. I felt more grief in the discovery that
the people and creatures (animals, nature, etc.) I love were all illusions
than in finding out that there isn't really an El nor is there anyone else to
give a rat's ass about me (not even a rat, LOL!).

People imagine that non-duality means perfect bliss, yet my experience of
non-duality was a paradoxical fusion of all opposites: ecstasy/agony,
joy/sorrow, existence/nonexistence, form/formlessness,
abundance/desolation... Non-duality isn't the absence of things we don't
like, but the presence of everything on all-levels and no-levels
simultaneously. It's an "and" instead of an "or" state of being in which, as
John Muir once said, "Everything in the universe is hitched to everything
else." Thus, All-One equals alone equals nothing-is-ever-alone equals
All-One equals alone... and round and round and round in a never-ending
cosmic spiral-loop.


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