To: K-list
Recieved: 1999/08/30 00:08
Subject: [K-list] alone
From: v
On 1999/08/30 00:08, v posted thus to the K-list:
Dear Richard,
I find myself singularly unavailable to anyone, ever - just that I
have survived, & don't want anyone near me anymore, from anywhere.
I find myself unable to be myself to anyone, for any reason, & I also
find myself crying alone every night.
I don't want to be me, I can't afford myself & am filled with
hundreds of people's past hurts, & when alone, I cry for them.
And when in discussion I am not witty as I feel, or any reasons to
pay attention to me (thankfully); I'm just another miserable soul alone
& unheard.
When I was younger I used to pretend that someday - someone way
smarter & nicer than me would eventually meet me & take over.
Now I know, there's no one else, it's just me & I am failing.
It's just me - just us - some group mind whom the meanest & the
stronger & more beautiful takes over, & us nicely *wishy washy* people
fall away & are replaced by the 'nancy-pants'.
I am so sad, I cannot differentiate between why I am myself, & all of
you are someone else.
I apologize; I wish it wasn't me; I wish I had fallen in some love &
was lost in pleasure, not trying to alleviate my own hysterics.
Good day & good night; peace be with you (unlike me),
valerie
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