To: K-list
Recieved: 1999/08/10 22:34
Subject: [K-list] Secret Shame .....
From: Christopher Wynter
On 1999/08/10 22:34, Christopher Wynter posted thus to the K-list:
The following was written by my partner, Fiona, as part of her own remembering
process ...
Secret shame
My whole life spent trying to gain approval of others and get 'forgiveness' for
my secrets to ease my shame. So many years - so much energy has gone into
hiding the shameful secrets of my life, feeling absolutely split down my centre,
knowing I wasn't being true to my essence.
The shame . put upon me by Mother -- that I was a girl - not in the mould that
she wanted.
The spiritual quest for enlightenment is not about becoming 'enlightened'. I
already am. It is about unburdening my 'secret' onto anyone who I think: a)
will listen, b) might have an answer and c) couldn't really see me anyway. If
I thought, for one minute, that they knew my secret - the shame I carry - I'd
run away.
The secret shame of my very conception when I went totally unacknowledged by my
Mother's mind for many months. The secret knowing that was impregnated in the
foetus - Mother didn't acknowledge the embryonic me so I wasn't really wanted
and coming into the body was not a good or safe place to be.
So began my search for someone, anyone, to approve and acknowledge the embryonic
me -because that's where I got frozen in a state of shock. Anything that has
come after has simply layered more shame/guilt/grief upon the initial shock of
realizing that having chosen to re-incarnate, chosen my parents, that even
though it was my choice -- Mother didn't really want me in her body, she could
have miscarried me. Mother had the power of life and death over my embryonic
state. She could have killed my body. This is my secret.
I wear the scars of my mother's shame - because on some unconscious level she
knew. She knew I was in her body but she couldn't or wouldn't acknowledge me.
She knew she carried a life in her body but the idea was abhorrent to her
upbringing.
She denied she had a body - as I have denied. Her shame of her body became my
shame.
My 'secret' is a universal secret. The one everyone knows on some level but
never talk about .
Part of me has become my judge and jury, my own worst enemy, constantly judging
that I could never, ever be good enough.
The secret I carry is -- that my Mother's body didn't want me inside her .
I searched the spiritual pathways trying to gain an understanding of why/how the
sacredness of my life could have become so distorted, how my body and my
beingness could be so abhorrent to my own Mother. When I knocked on the door of
the Church - I got my answers. Control of the mind and not allowing the
body/unconscious to shed its 'secrets' has become a learned behaviour ..
The biggest secret, the greatest irony, is that my essence is untouchable, but
the shadow, the shame, inherited through the DNA had become the impenetrable
embryonic sac, which up until now, the waters had never broken through. My
'birth' has been delayed for way too long .
Up until . yesterday, when a little boy, without words, but simply through the
expression of his being, said come and play. Come and play with the innocent.
I see the reflection .
I honour the gift.
with respect
Fiona
Hobart Tasmania
fionaATnospamanunda.com
"The Plain Man's Spiritual Notebook"
http://www.anunda.com/anunda.htm
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