1998/05/23 10:15
kundalini-l-d Digest V98 #397
kundalini-l-d Digest Volume 98 : Issue 397
Today's Topics:
Re: kundalini-l-d Digest V98 #393 [ jenny.hillATnospammail.utexas.edu (Jenny) ]
Special offer: Computre, GSM Phones, [ turapiATnospampo.jaring.my ]
Re: kundalini-l-d Digest V98 #394 [ jenny.hillATnospammail.utexas.edu (Jenny) ]
new person alert [ "Beth" <bethkATnospamband1.bandwidth.net> ]
Unidentified subject! [ James Paterson <rockyATnospamww.co.nz> ]
Unidentified subject! [ "zarcon pitom" <zarconpitomATnospamhotmail ]
TRANSFORMATIONAL LOVE [ AES3DDD <AES3DDDATnospamaol.com> ]
Re: TRANSFORMATIONAL LOVE [ "zarcon pitom" <zarconpitomATnospamhotmail ]
Re: Scared/Help [ kristin <kristinATnospamaol.com> ]
Date: Sat, 23 May 1998 01:52:41 -0500
From: jenny.hillATnospammail.utexas.edu (Jenny)
To: kundalini-lATnospamlists.execpc.com
Subject: Re: kundalini-l-d Digest V98 #393
Message-Id: <v01530502b18c18a456d9ATnospam[128.83.128.79]>
Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii"
>
>------------------------------
>Date: Fri, 22 May 1998 13:32:27 +0100
>From: "Jan Barendrecht" <janbarenATnospamcorreo.infase.es>
>To: <amckeonATnospamhsmail.nfld.k12.mn.us>
>Cc: <kundalini-lATnospamlists.execpc.com>
Jan wrote:
> A few years ago I was approached by a big drunk who had only one goal:
>processing me into minced meat. Any action (talking included) would have
>triggered him into action. So I did nothing - not moving one muscle of my
>face. The man became more and more furious, banging a wall, trying to induce
>fear. Then, he started using abusive language like filthy Tibetan. This made
>me almost laugh but I could suppress it. By now, the man was out of means to
>provoke and went away, demolishing objects on his way. One doesn't have to
>be empathic to defuse situations like the above - a cool mind and a warm
>heart, plus the enhanced creativity and imagination that K. brings should
>do.
Jan--
I like the "cool mind and warm heart"--the cure for just about any
situation, I think!
One time I was in on a dark street in a "bad" part of town, fumbling for my
car keys and feeling very vulnerable because it was a rare occasion when I
happened to be wearing a somewhat revealing dress and high heels. Suddenly
a big guy stepped out from behind some bushes and came toward me. I could
sense very *bad* vibes coming from him-- he was really menacing and think
he most certainly meant to do me harm.
Fortunately I'd been learning martial arts from some friends, and they
taught me two very important things. One was a set of techniques to disable
an attacker by doing him great bodily damage, but the other more important
thing was how to become calm and centered and to project Chi in the midst
of danger. Somehow, I actually remembered to become quiet in my mind. I
turned and shifted my weight to a fighting stance, took a deep breath and
became very quiet. Part of my mind was reviewing the various techniques
like how to break his pharnyx, but the other part realized that I was able
to transcend his mental distress and mine and that there didn't need to be
trouble.
I remember aiming something like a laser beam of chi at his throat. We
stood facing each other for a minute and finally he asked me if I had any
cigarettes, I said no, and he turned and walked away. I got in my car and
started shaking, and continued to shake and come down from adrenalin for
the next several hours, but I remember understanding, for the first time,
that what occurs on the energy level is more powerful than what occurs on
the physical level.
Your story also reminds me of a story a tai chi teacher once told. My
teacher was a big, strong American guy, and when he was getting pretty good
at martial arts, he used to walk around ready to kick ass at the drop of
the hat, a real "tough guy." Then he went to Japan, and one day he was on a
subway, and a drunk, belligerent man got on. The drunk was terrorizing the
whole car and this American guy figured it was about time to kick the
drunk's ass, but before he could do it, a little old man walked over to the
drunk. He said, "Hey, your a big fella and it looks like you've had a few
drinks. Were you out having fun?" The drunk yelled "Hell no! I just lost my
job and my wife wants to leave me and I want to beat someone up!" The old
man sat down on a seat and motioned the drunk to come sit beside him. He
said "why don't you tell me all about it" The man started talking and broke
into sobs, and the old man sat with his arm around him while he cried.
Eventually the drunk sat up, dried his eyes, thanked the old man,
apologized to everyone on the subway and left.
My teacher realized he was in the presence of a true martial arts
master--the little old man-- for the truest test of a martial artist is not
to fight, but to transform energy. That is when my teacher truly began his
understanding of The Way.
Jenny
****************************
the tao which can be spoken of is not the tao
****************************
Date: Sat, 23 May 1998 15:08:51 +0800 (MYT)
From: turapiATnospampo.jaring.my
To: kundalini-lATnospamexecpc.com
Subject: Special offer: Computre, GSM Phones, fax and copy machines.
Message-Id: <eaep.3.1.reg.rafA17.35938,6317810185ATnospamsmtp.jaring.my>
Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN charset=US-ASCII
--- THIS IS NOT A E-MAIL LIST ---
------ YOU WILL RECEIVE THIS E-MAIL MESSAGE ONCE ------
TURAPI (M) Sdn. Bhd.
Kuala Lumpur ( Malaysia )
E-Mail: turapiATnospampo.jaring.my
http://www.putra.net.my/turapi/Index.html
Date: 23rd of May, 1998
Dear Sir/Madam,
TURAPI (M) Sdn.Bhd. is a Malaysian trading company established in Kuala
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TURAPI (M) Sdn Bhd offer quality IT products from world-renowned sources.
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NOKIA 9000 COMMUNICATOR........770 Usd " " " " "
ERICSSON GA 628................150 Usd ( 1 Ni-Cad Battery, 1 desk-top charger )
ERICSSON GH 688................225 Usd ( 1 Ni-Mh battery, 1 travel charger with
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ERICSSON GF 788................300 Usd ( 1 Ni-Mh battery, 1 travel charger with
adaptor )
ERICSSON GF768.................295 Usd ( " " " " "
PHILIPS GENIE..................299 Usd ( 1 Lith-Ion Battery and 1 charger )
NORTEL 1820....................188 Usd " " "
NORTEL 922 ....................237 Usd " " "
All the above Gsm Phones comes with international warranty card and are
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Motorola are made in Usa, Nokia in Finland and Ericsson in Sweden.
FAX MACHINES:
RICOH FAX 180.............205 Usd
RICOH FAX 880MP...........395 Usd
RICOH FAX 1700L...........530 Usd
TOSHIBA TF 428............194 Usd
TOSHIBA TF 601............320 Usd
XEROX 3006................196 Usd
XEROX PRO 610F............950 Usd
GESTETNER 9743............417 Usd
GESTETNER 9765............690 Usd
GESTETNER 9763............819 Usd
GESTETNER 4210..........1,090 Usd
COPY MACHINES:
XEROX XC 1245........................810 Usd
XEROX VIVACE 160 1T ( 1 Tray ).....1,080 Usd
XEROX VIVACE 160PL ( 3 Tray )......1,180 Usd
XEROX ABLE 1321DT (1 Tray ).......2,350 Usd
XEROX ABLE 1321PL ( 4 Tray ).......2,850 Usd
RICOH FT 3713 .......................995 Usd
RICOH FT 4015......................1,100 Usd
RICOH FT 4422 .....................1,350 Usd
COMPUTER PARTS:
MOTHER BOARDs
Intel TRITON Pentium With 512 KB TX, QDI Jumperless....60 Usd
Main Board Pentium II Legend 440 LX. QDI ..............83 Usd
ASUS TX/P4 Pentium Board.............................. 63 Usd
Wytek Triton II Pentium 512KB TX Plus..................43 Usd
MEMORYes
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64 Mb SDRAM,.......65 Usd
128 Mb SDRAM,.....136 Usd
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PENTIUM 166 mhz MMX ............... 75 Usd
PENTIUM 200 mhz MMX ............... 78 Usd
PENTIUM 233 mhz MMX ...............103 Usd
PENTIUM II 233 mhz, 512 Kb.........141 Usd
PENTIUM II 266 mhz, 512 kb.........185 Usd
PENTIUM II 300 mhz, 512 kb.........290 Usd
PENTIUM II 333 mhz, 512 kb.........379 Usd
PENTIUM II 400 mhz, 512 kb.........655 Usd
HDDs
QUANTUM 2.1 Gb, U-DMA.............89 Usd
QUANTUM 3.2 Gb, U-DMA............109 Usd
QUANTUM 4.3 Gb, U-DMA............121 Usd
QUANTUM 6.4 Gb, U-DMA............188 Usd
WESTERN DIGITAL 3.2 GB,U-DMA.....112 Usd
SAMSUNG 4.3 Gb U-DMA.............115 Usd
CD-ROMs
LITE-ON 24 X With 256K Buffer...35 Usd
LITE-ON 32 X With 256K Buffer...40 Usd
PRINTERs
HP DESKJET 890 COLOR........................328 Usd
HP LASERJET, 6L.............................303 Usd
CANON BUBBLEJET 250 C,......................108 Usd
EPSON 600 DESKJET...........................215 Usd
EPSON 800 DESKJET...........................280 Usd
EPSON STYLUS COLOR 400......................124 Usd
EPSON STYLUS COLOR 600......................191 Usd
EPSON STYLUS COLOR 800......................338 Usd
OKI LASER WIN 4.............................172 Usd
HP LASERJET 6P .............................482 Usd
VIDEO CARDS
SVGA S3 VIRGE 3D 4MB, DX....................24 Usd
MATROX MILLENIUM II, 4 MB..................118 Usd
MATROX MILLENIUM II, 8 MB..................165 Usd
SOUND CARD
SOUNDBLASTER CREATIVE, 16 BIT, VIbra, OEM...23 Usd
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Sincerely Yours,
TURAPI (M) Sdn.Bhd
Marketing Dept.
Date: Sat, 23 May 1998 03:13:29 -0500
From: jenny.hillATnospammail.utexas.edu (Jenny)
To: kundalini-lATnospamlists.execpc.com
Subject: Re: kundalini-l-d Digest V98 #394
Message-Id: <v01530504b18c2d372c52ATnospam[128.83.154.66]>
Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii"
>------------------------------
>Date: Fri, 22 May 1998 11:05:10 EDT
>From: kristin <kristinATnospamaol.com>
>To: kundalini-lATnospamexecpc.com
>Subject: Scared/Help
>Message-ID: <2a31809e.35659427ATnospamaol.com>
>
>
>
>For sometime, I thought I was reaching the light at the end of the tunnel, and
>so on, but recently, it seems like I have fallen back down to the bottom. This
>time though I question my strength to find my way out. I feel lost in my own
>world, my own body. I am not sure about anything, I more than confused. I am
>also so scared. I do not know anymore.
>I keep trying to remember the way I felt when I saw the light, and so on, but
>I cannot find it, I have no clue where it has gone, or where I am going. I am
>so scared.
>Kristin
Hi Kristin--
I'm one of those "lurkers" on the Kundalini list... I don't always have
time to read the list, much less write in, so I'm not sure all that you've
been going through. It sounds like you must've had a Kundalini awakening or
some type of Kundalini experience that has disrupted your life and made
things seem difficult and scary. Have I got the right idea?
Anyway, I had to write, because I know exactly the feeling you're
describing. I think you also wrote in a later post than this one that you
can't take it any more and you want a way out. I really know that one, too.
I've survived countless days when I didn't think I would make it through
another one... or at least I didn't WANT to make it through another one.
I'm going to suggest a few things, because they are things that have helped
me. I don't know exactly what it is that is making life seem so hard for
you, but it sounds like mostly it's just that you're having emotions or
mental sensations that are disturbing, Is this so?? or are there actual
physical events going on that you find difficult and perhaps need to be
addressed in some way?
Anyway, the thing I think helps the very most, is if you can find someone
around you that you can talk to about this stuff. What's really important
is that whoever you talk to-- they need to be able to just sit and listen
without getting alarmed and trying to "fix" you in some way.
You might know someone that you feel like you could confide in, and I would
approach them by saying " I'm going through some really hard things, and I
need someone to talk to, and I'd like to talk to you about them. I would
like you to agree to just listen to me and not get alarmed, and not offer
suggestions of how I could get better. Just think good thoughts about me
while you listen and tell me any good things about me you can think of, or
tell me that I'm important to you, or that you love me."
I know that might seem like a lot to ask of someone, but maybe you have
someone who could do that. If not, I know of an organization of people who
get together and take turns doing that for each other... it's called
"co-counseling" and depending on where you live, there might be people near
you that you could get in touch with.
Another thing I suggest is figuring out a way to work with a guide, or an
angel... I learned how to work with some spirit guides who are healers,
their specific task is to help people who are becoming spiritually awakened
to make it through the difficult transition. I learned how to do this from
a book call "The Co-Creative White Brotherhood Medical Assistance Program"
by Machelle Wright. (It's known as the "MAP" book, and by the way, it's
great help for folks who are having a hard time with physical symptoms
associated with K arising, like headaches)
You could pray and meditate and ask to be sent angels or guides or
guardians to help you through this period, or just ask God or Goddess to
help you. Also, if there's an animal you're close to, they can really help
a lot... you can tell them over and over how hard things are and they'll
just keep loving you and loving you.
Another thing to try would be herbs or flower essences. The spirit healers,
from that book I mentioned, like people to work with flower essences to
help stabilize their emotions during periods of spiritual growth and
transformation. One kind of flower essences are called the Bach flower
remedies, and you can usually get them at a natural food/health food
store.. or you could probably order them from the Bach flower remedy
book... I think you could get that and the MAP book from Amazon books
(www.amazonbooks.com)
Lastly, there are some herbs that might help... particularly St. John's
wort, Kava Kava, Passionflower, Skullcap, and Avena (extract of Oats)
The other important thing I can tell you is that when emotions come up and
you want to cry, or scream, or whatever-- it will help if you can let
yourself do that, and while it's going on, remind yourself that you're not
going crazy, you're just healing some old stuff. After a time of crying or
whatever has passed... make a huge effort to walk around and notice as many
good and lovely things as you can, actually this is a good thing to do any
time it seems like you just can't take it any more...sometimes doing this
will bring on a bout of weeping, in a very cleansing way... When your mind
starts to wander back toward fear-- force yourself to look at things around
you... notice how they're made in the smallest details... and find things
that are beautiful, splendid, magnificent to look at or listen to or
smell.... Nature can be a big help... There must be a tree somewhere you
can admire, or a sky full of gorgeous clouds or stars, some music that
lifts your heart.
Well, sweetie, I send you warm thoughts and much love. Hang in there, I
know you can make it to the point where you can see why it was all
worthwhile!
Jenny
****************************
the tao which can be spoken of is not the tao
****************************
Date: Sat, 23 May 1998 01:20:39 -0700
From: "Beth" <bethkATnospamband1.bandwidth.net>
To: <kundalini-lATnospamexecpc.com>
Subject: new person alert
Message-Id: <9805230817.AA04744ATnospamband1.bandwidth.net>
Gosh, so many messages awaiting me.
In a nutshell: Female, 37, white American. I have been a student at
Nityananda Institute (Swami Chetanananda) for a year and a half. I am
getting the very easy, safe, self-guided tour. I haven't gone insane or
done any irreparable harm to myself. It is really easy when you have an
excellent teacher. He seems to know just how much I can handle. I can't
handle much at a time.
At this particular organization, they purposely don't give you many
details, they don't tell you what color lights or what kind of gods or
goddesses you're "supposed" to see; in fact, they don't mention the word
kundalini; and in fact, the guru doesn't refer to himself as such. Even so,
I have had experiences of different colors and pictures that match a common
framework of other's experiences on this list. And I've certainly had
experiences I didn't expect to have, and no one told me I would have them,
so it's not all suggestion.
I haven't had any explosions. So far my big revelation is waking up and
smelling the coffee and noticing my Inner Self. I really like it.
One thing that's bugging me is everyone talking about K. as female. My
Inner Self doesn't feel female at all. Am I weird? Maybe the Inner Self is
not the same as Kundalini.
I am feeling something, maybe more than one thing, that feels very male.
How could my Inner Self be male or female? How could I, as a woman, have an
Inner Self that's male? But then, it would be only natural for me. I've
always felt like a guy inside, even though I'm heterosexual.
Several times, when I've had the most intense experiences of my Inner Self,
I've also had intense experiences of feeling someone else, some totally
other person, wake up inside me and he was very surprised to find himself
in a female body. And then later he let me in on this little secret: he
chose a female body so that he could have sex with men more easily. Is my
life really about living out this other person's fantasy?
Well, great, I was a gay man in a previous life. Again, not a big surprise,
it's certainly occured to me before. When this first happened, I was
freaked out, and it didn't happen from my nice gradual teacher, either, it
happened after an encounter with someone who is similar in abilities and
nature to Mystress Angelique Serpent, only not so up-front about it. Having
a hole blasted in my head and my tender little brahma knot cracked open was
scary and emotionally painful, and I sure wasn't ready to know about any
past lives. But that was 6 months ago, now I'm blase about it. Obviously it
was what I was craving, and still crave, although I know that the slow,
gradual way is the healthier way for me.
Anyway, hello.
By the way, isn't it lucky that we are not in the middle of a civil war, no
thugs trying to force us out of our homes? Isn't it lucky we have time and
peace to contemplate our navels? Isn't it lucky we can walk outside without
worrying about snipers or bombs or mines? Take a walk, relish our freedom.
Bye now.
Date: Sat, 23 May 1998 20:48:54
From: James Paterson <rockyATnospamww.co.nz>
To: kundalini-lATnospamexecpc.com
Subject: Unidentified subject!
Message-Id: <3.0.2.16.19980523204854.2f6f43f2ATnospamww.co.nz>
Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii"
>>=========================
>> RE: "TV-Network Pays YOU!"
This is the reply I sent to the above ad received via the list. I shall
also report his address to my ISP.
I was tempted to send a 100 copies without puting unscribe in the subject.
"The site you sent to is about kundalini and while I can not speak for the
other people on the list I find it offensive to be sent advertising
material on a site which already contains heaps of stuff to sort through to
find you want to read. If you were paying the operator of the list for the
privilige of using it I could perhaps accept that, but still would not like
it.
If this sort of thing spreads the amount of stuff on these lists would be
come so great as to make them unusable. The result could be that some of
the freedom of the internet would probably have to be limited in some way
to control it.
The other thing that annoys me is that my ISP is very heavy on spamming but
you have crept your ad in via a List I am on."
Date: Sat, 23 May 1998 06:22:32 PDT
From: "zarcon pitom" <zarconpitomATnospamhotmail.com>
To: heartzenATnospamlistserv.servtech.com
Cc: kundalini-lATnospamlists.execpc.com
Subject: Unidentified subject!
Message-ID: <19980523132233.22735.qmailATnospamhotmail.com>
Content-Type: text/plain
wonder of it all
young boys young girls killers all?
beating deaths
shooting sprees
is the cause, watching too much (tv) televison
did the parents not give the children "a good talking to"
violence violence all around
is television the source where it can be found
did the parents "spare the rod and spoil the child"
is spanking the answer or is it a sin
what will it take to let the truth in
what evil lurks in the heart of man
so sad so sad so many lives affected
answers needed yes that's true
what happened to physicals going to pray
for guidance and forgiveness from the Universal Consciousness
for love abundant and understanding
shake your head in disbelief.....okay
do something to make the change this day
where's my belt some would say
i'll teach that whippersnapper a thing or two
is that the answer i ask you
what other ways can be found
to save the children so they do not drown
violence everywhere what a shame
protect myself, where's my cane
i ask you now think upon an answer
the children, the leaders of tomorrow, need your help
think carefully
weigh each thought
the world's future is upon you all
List leaders, Mystress Angelique Serpent and Gloria Greco
i beg you to provide a guiding hand
i was i am i will be
zarcon
i am of the ages
______________________
Get Your Private, Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com
Date: Sat, 23 May 1998 12:03:39 EDT
From: AES3DDD <AES3DDDATnospamaol.com>
To: zarconpitomATnospamhotmail.com, heartzenATnospamlistserv.servtech.com
Cc: kundalini-lATnospamlists.execpc.com
Subject: TRANSFORMATIONAL LOVE
Message-ID: <d0b3494e.3566f35cATnospamaol.com>
Dear Zarcon, Anita here. In my current experience as babysitterfor above
average as well as special needs children of emergency care cases, I find only
one answer to all problems and that is to love them, validate them, encourage
them and praise them. There are times, however, when a stern word is
necessary, i.e. when the two-year old starts to run into a busy street. Tuning
into the need of these little onesis a joy. I know it's not me doing it since
I am a witness to my actions as much as the children are. It could also be
that when God was taken out of the schools, he was replaced by violence and
guns. And violence on T.V. may be adding to the problem. Gloria could probably
write several volumes of books on what children need. Let go and let God is
also always good advice. In closing, the words to the song 'WHAT THE WORLD
NEEDS NOW, IS LOVE, SWEET LOVE' comes to mind. I mean the kind of love that
Jesus had for us when he laid down his life for us, that transformational love
- that is what we all need to give. Love, Anita. One for all and all for one.
Date: Sat, 23 May 1998 09:21:34 PDT
From: "zarcon pitom" <zarconpitomATnospamhotmail.com>
To: heartzenATnospamlistserv.servtech.com, AES3DDDATnospamaol.com
Cc: kundalini-lATnospamlists.execpc.com
Subject: Re: TRANSFORMATIONAL LOVE
Message-ID: <19980523162135.3683.qmailATnospamhotmail.com>
Content-Type: text/plain
>
>Dear Zarcon, Anita here. In my current experience as babysitterfor
>above average as well as special needs children of emergency care
>cases, I find only one answer to all problems and that is to love
>them, validate them, encourage them and praise them. There are times,
>however, when a stern word is necessary, i.e. when the two-year old
>starts to run into a busy street. Tuning>into the need of these >little
onesis a joy. I know it's not me doing it since I am a witness >to my
actions as much as the children are. It could also be that when >God was
taken out of the schools, he was replaced by violence and >guns. And
violence on T.V. may be adding to the problem. Gloria could >probably
write several volumes of books on what children need. Let go >and let
God is also always good advice. In closing, the words to the >song 'WHAT
THE WORLD NEEDS NOW, IS LOVE, SWEET LOVE' comes to mind. I >mean the
kind of love that Jesus had for us when he laid down his >life for us,
that transformational love - that is what we all need to >give. Love,
Anita. One for all and all for one.
Yes Anita.....It is truth "What the world needs now is love sweet love"
is an excellent thought.....the problem comes in turning thought into
deed.....Love seems to be sparingly given in modern times and in some
instances witheld until the recipient carries out part of a plan or
instruction set. Is that parental guidance...love? Physicals are
confusing...seldom say what they mean.....do they mean what they say one
wonders.....how far astray from love have many gone.....and what a long
journey back they must travel.....Yes Anita What the world needs now is
love sweet love.....Yes indeed it most certainly does.....For this is
part of why i am here as a guardian of truths, a teacher to
some and an observer to many.....seek love through all means.....love is
good.....
who is the bearer in your life
who is the messenger/deliverer
the known factor is you are/can be the recipient if you so want
List Leaders Mystress Angelique Serpent and Gloria Greco have taken upon
themselves a big undertaking and are to be congratulated for their hard
work.....Each does good in her own way.....Each serves a need.....Each
fulfills a purpose.....Their responsiblity is big.....
"What the world needs now is love sweet love" is a nice song. It needs
to be translated into action, do not you agree?
i was i am i will be
zarcon
i am of the ages
______________________
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Date: Sat, 23 May 1998 12:53:14 EDT
From: kristin <kristinATnospamaol.com>
To: ImtgxxxATnospamaol.com, kundalini-lATnospamexecpc.com
Subject: Re: Scared/Help
Message-ID: <9ec28860.3566fefbATnospamaol.com>
Imtgxxx writes:
>When ego is being chipped away, it literally feels as if you are dying.
>Somehow, someway, you have invited Love/God into your life, and now
everything
>that is not of Love/God is being regurgitated up and out of your life. This
>Love thang is very foreign to your system apparently. Much like when a virus
>invades your body, you get ill and feel awful and must throw up at times to
>feel better. You are bringing up everything that is unloving about you. I
>know it doesn't feel so good right now, but if you have the awareness of what
>is really going on, then it makes it so much easier to cope with. And if you
>REALLY think about it, this is a time of rejoicing! Part of your ego is
>dying! yayyyyy!
I sure hope its part of ego dying and not me, because I sure feel like I am
dying slowly. It scares me.
>You are learning to Love, and to begin to love, you must first love yourself.
You >have been emotionally dependant upon others to give you this love up
until now and >you know it hasn't been all that you needed. Once you begin
working on being >your own emotional support system, then the Universe will
know you are serious >about loving yourself and will come and support you in
every which way it can.
I am learning to love, because my whole life, I was shorn that love is pain,
and pain is love, nothing else though. I have never been dependant on anyone
though, because if I became dependant I found I would get hurt more. What I am
dependant on though has been my ski racing, I always found it as something I
loved, and made me feel loved. I though my whole life was ski racing. If
someone asked me who is Kristin, I would say a ski racer, an nothing else. I
also would put all my pain and suffering behind when I was skiing, I would
never think of anything else except skiing, and excelling, but it was not good
though, cause all my pain just built up. Now that skiing has been taken away
for a long period of time due to my injury, all my pain and suffering that I
have hide for years, has come out, and I am also finding that I am not Kristin
the ski, I am finding things that I put behind so many years. I hope that made
some sense.
>And if you do want to continue being the frightened and helpless child, then
go >ahead.
I do not want to continue like this, but I feel like I can't get out though,
like I am locked in a prison, but this is prison of my life. It scares me
beyond belief.
Kristin
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